We have all had those moments in marriage when you feel super disconnected to each other. Maybe life has gotten busy, stressful, priorities have shifted, and trials have hit. Where did the passion go? Where is the romance you were suppose to have or feel your whole life? Is it gone forever?
The answer is NO.
You can bring back the emotional connection and passion back into marriage. We have several times, because marriage is not always up. Life and marriage has down moments and that is totally normal! They key is figuring out how to bring it back and keep it alive. It actually isn’t that hard if you both are willing to communicate with each other and put your marriage on the priority list.
Here are some simple things you can do to bring back the sparks when marriage feels dull and you feel disconnected.
It is the small romantic moments that create large lifetime intimacy.
Buying your spouse a new fancy car or diamond ring, or even taking your spouse on a vacation are all good things. But they don’t fix the issue for more than a week or two. It is the daily little things that create long term intimacy. Saying I love you daily, touching your spouse on the butt or arm, holding hands, complimenting, and most important is spending time together. Little moments make for large memories. If you stop doing the little things you did while you were dating, you are not going to have a happy marriage.
Try this 7 day challenge:
- try to touch your spouse at least 2 times each day
- kiss for 5-10 seconds daily
- tell your spouse that you love them once a day minimum
- turn off all technology 30 minutes before bed and talk to each other each day
- leave at least one love note this week
- plan a date night you will both look forward to
- write a list of 10 reasons why you first fell in love with each other
- write a list of 10 things you still love about your spouse
- make a small bucket list of things you want to do together
- talk about physical intimacy and one thing you can both do to spark it up
- reminisce about your wedding and falling in love at the beginning of your relationship
- spend at least 20-30 minutes on the free Ultimate Intimacy App conversation starters
We would actually suggest every single day. It is that important. Research shows that some couples only spend 7-10 quality minutes a day in good conversation. Just think, what if you doubled that, tripled that or took the time before technology to actually connect daily with each other. Put down your phones, turn off social media, turn off the TV, take out your airpods and TALK! Communication to marriage is the oxygen to a body. Do not stop talking to each other and connecting daily. Make sure your spouse knows you care about their day, their challenges and feelings, and make sure they know how you feel about them!
Quit assuming and start being curious again.
You need to ask your spouse questions, “how do you feel about this?” “how do you want this?” “what would you like today?” Sometimes in marriage after a matter of years we think that we know them, and assume too much. It is always important to be asking them new questions because well.. people change.. and it shows that you care when you ask. We like people to ask us stuff. If we assume we know all the answers about our spouse, then the conversation also stops… and that is the number one killer of intimacy and relationships.
Connect with emotion. Empathize.
You might listen to your spouse. You might actually hear your spouse. But are you feeling with them? Are you understanding them and relating to them? Are you empathizing with them? We all want to be heard, but we want to know that our spouse is really trying to understand how we are feeling too. It is not enough to just listen.
Being in love is more important than being right.
We had a situation in our marriage where I was mad, and wanted it to be shown because I was actually right about it. And my spouse actually admitted I was completely right about it. But… I kept making the point time after time again that I was right. What did that do for our marriage? Absolutely nothing, it actually started to damage our relationship.
Being right does nothing except break you apart from being a team. It doesn’t make you a better person, smarter or more intelligent. When one person is trying to win an argument, and one person does win, the team loses because it was not a team effort. In a team event, the whole team has to win, not one person. When you can agree that a mistake was made, both parties acknowledge that they are willing to move on, forgive or let it go, now that is team work. Marriage is teamwork and you can never win until you are both on the same side working toward the same goal.
So… say you’re sorry more often.
Just do it. Say it. It can be hard for certain personalities, but when you get married, that can be one of the most important things you can do for each other and your marriage. If your not good at saying sorry.. practice. No one is perfect and even if you have a good marriage, there are still plenty of times that you are going to do or say something that will need forgiveness. Want to be a team? Say you’re sorry when you make a mistake, even a small one. It shows love, loyalty and affection.
Don’t put off asking for help if you need it.
Don’t wait until its too late to get some help or advice if you need it. We all come from different backgrounds and marriage is the union of two completely different people. It is hard to be married. But there are so many people, resources, therapists, coaches that can help even if it is just for one problem you are facing. Ask for it and don’t let your pride get in the way. Order some books, or do some research. Your marriage is worth it!
Make sure you have self love. Be happy.
Read this article HERE about why self love is so important to a relationship. You cannot love others until you love yourself and that REALLY shows up in a marriage. Take the time for yourself to find yourself, love yourself and spoil yourself once in a while. You deserve it and your marriage deserves it. Every relationship needs balance.
Have healthy boundaries and self time.
Even when married, it is super important to have some alone time, friend time, and hobby time. Don’t give that up or your marriage will suffer. Each spouse needs to have that balance and that does not mean that you put it before your marriage. Marriage comes first, but a healthy marriage does has private time.
Sex is so important for your marriage!
One of the first thing couples do when they are stressed, upset, tired, or disconnected is stop having sex. That is the first thing to go, and the worst thing that should go. Physical intimacy is the one way that we can actually become ONE. It is so important, but doesn’t happen when emotional intimacy is lacking. 8 reasons why sex is so important, read HERE.
Doing all these emotionally intimate things listed will hopefully bring back the physical intimacy.
Be kind. Show Christlike love.
More than anything, Christlike love is number one. Love your neighbor is the great commandment and that more than anyone… is your spouse! If you love them, you will treat them with kindness, respect, and charity. You will put theirs needs on your priority list as well as they will put yours. This creates an amazing marriage. The closer you grow to Christ, the closer you grow to each other.
Don’t forget to check out the FREE download Ultimate Intimacy App to strengthen your marriage!
The Ultimate Intimacy App
- Fully Customizable bedroom game with 4 levels
- Over 200+ non graphic positions to try
- Hundreds of Conversation starters
- Love quiz
- Intimate Extras
- Printables and coupon books
- hundreds of marriage resource articles
- and SO much more!
Download it free in the app stores or go to ultimateintimacy.com for more info