Even in the healthiest marriages, there are habits and behaviors that quietly erode connection and intimacy without either spouse fully realizing it. These aren’t always the obvious issues like infidelity or constant fighting, often, it’s the subtle day-to-day interactions that create distance over time.
Marriage experts like Drs. John and Julie Gottman have studied couples for decades, and their research reveals that it’s usually the “little things” the unspoken slights, poor communication habits, or emotional neglect, that ultimately break down a relationship.
Here are five major turn-offs in marriage that spouses often don’t recognize, but that can significantly damage emotional and sexual intimacy:
1. Constant Criticism (Even When It’s “Constructive”)
Most people think they’re helping when they point out what their spouse could improve. “If he just listened more…” or “If she wasn’t always late…” But to your spouse, this often feels like a character attack. The Gottman Institute’s research shows that criticism is one of the “Four Horsemen” of relationship breakdown, and frequent criticism leads to defensiveness and emotional withdrawal.
Why it’s a turn-off:
Over time, being constantly corrected or “helped” makes a person feel small, disrespected, and unappreciated, all of which destroy intimacy.
What to do instead:
Replace criticism with a request. Instead of “You never help with the kids,” try “I would love your help with bedtime tonight. I’m feeling overwhelmed.”
Gottman stat: In successful marriages, the “magic ratio” is 5:1 — five positive interactions for every one negative interaction.
2. Not Being Emotionally Present
You may physically be there, watching TV together, eating dinner side by side, but if you’re mentally checked out, your spouse notices. Scrolling on your phone during conversations, not making eye contact, or giving one word answers might seem harmless, but they send a clear message: you’re not important right now.
Why it’s a turn-off:
Emotional intimacy is the foundation of sexual intimacy. When a spouse feels ignored or emotionally disconnected, desire fades.
What to do instead:
Practice “turning toward” instead of “turning away” — a Gottman concept that means responding with interest when your spouse makes a bid for connection. Even simple acknowledgments like “That sounds hard” or “Tell me more about that” go a long way.
Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, says emotional responsiveness is the #1 predictor of a lasting bond.
3. Dismissing Their Feelings (Even Subtly)
It might come from a good place, trying to help them feel better, but saying things like “It’s not that bad,” “You’re overthinking it,” or “You always do this,” can feel incredibly invalidating.
Why it’s a turn-off:
When someone feels emotionally dismissed, they learn not to open up. This creates walls, resentment, and a lack of trust. And when emotional intimacy dies, physical intimacy usually follows.
What to do instead:
Validate first. You don’t have to agree, but you can say, “I can see why you’d feel that way.” Then ask questions instead of offering solutions unless they ask for advice.
4. Neglecting Basic Grooming or Self-Care
This one’s tough, because life gets busy, bodies change, and marriage brings comfort — which is beautiful. But there’s a fine line between comfort and complacency. Feeling physically attracted to your spouse isn’t shallow; it’s part of keeping the spark alive.
Why it’s a turn-off:
When a spouse stops caring for themselves entirely — no effort to dress up, no hygiene, always in pajamas — it can signal to their partner: you’re not worth the effort anymore.
What to do instead:
Self-care is not about perfection; it’s about intentionality. Put in effort not just for yourself, but for the relationship. Sometimes, even small changes like brushing your hair, wearing a scent they love, or dressing up for date night can rekindle connection.
A Psychology Today survey found that 75% of respondents said physical attraction played a role in their desire for sexual intimacy in long-term relationships.
5. Weaponizing Sex (or Avoiding It Altogether)
Using sex as a bargaining tool, withholding it to punish, or avoiding it due to resentment are subtle but devastating behaviors. Likewise, expecting sex without emotional connection or ignoring your spouse’s needs creates pressure instead of passion.
Why it’s a turn-off:
When intimacy becomes a power struggle instead of an act of connection, it damages trust and emotional safety — the two key ingredients to a passionate sex life.
What to do instead:
Talk openly and often about your needs and desires. Address any resentment outside of the bedroom. Rebuild emotional intimacy by showing love in everyday ways, physical affection, small surprises, compliments, and initiate sex not as an obligation, but as a gift.
The Gottman Institute found that couples who maintain a healthy sex life report higher satisfaction in all areas of their marriage, including communication and conflict resolution.
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Final Thoughts
It’s easy to blame big events for the breakdown of connection, but it’s usually these subtle, consistent behaviors that shape how spouses feel about each other day in and day out. The good news? Awareness is powerful. Once you recognize what might be turning your spouse off, even unintentionally, you can start making small shifts that lead to a big transformation.
Marriage is not about perfection, it’s about progress, growth, and intentional love.
If you recognize any of these habits in your own marriage, don’t be discouraged. Every couple goes through seasons where connection is harder. The key is to talk about it, make changes together, and commit to doing the small things that create emotional and physical closeness.
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