This article was reposted and used with permission from the 80/80 Marriage
One year ago, we thought this would be the year of — well — everything going back to normal.
That’s not exactly what happened. And, if anything, we’re learning that the ‘new normal’ can be summed up in a single word: uncertainty.
Whether our kids will be at school in person in a week — uncertain.
Whether Covid will ever disappear and fade into a bad memory — uncertain.
If you’re like just about everyone we know, all of this uncertainty may have taken a toll on your marriage.
Maybe you fight more.
Maybe you’re frustrated more easily.
Or maybe you find that your sex life mirrors the uncertainty of a world in constant chaos.
We’ve heard variations on all of these themes from numerous couples. And now that we’re about to enter a new year, we think it’s time to invest in building new habits in marriage that will help you make the most of 2022.
So here’s our list of the five most powerful habits to begin building in your life together as we start this new year.
1.Focus on the positive
John Gottman, a preeminent marriage researcher, purports to be able to predict the likelihood of divorce with over 90% accuracy. How does he do it? It all comes down to what he calls the 5-to-1 ratio. Couples that interact with five positive interactions for every one negative interaction are likely to stay together. Couples that get caught in a cycle of negative interactions, on the other hand, seem destined for divorce or lifelong unhappiness.
University of Utah Sociologist Daniel Carlson’s research points to another foundational marriage skill: communication. His studies show that communication leads to a more egalitarian division of labor, which in turn leads to greater relationship satisfaction as well as more and better sex.
3. Divide your labor
It’s great to interact positively and communicate well. But recent polling shows that an equal distribution of household labor ranks among the top three reasons people cite as keys to making marriage work. The Pew Research Center notes that over 60 percent of married people view sharing household tasks as essential to the success of marriage. In one woman’s words, “I Like Hugs. I Like Kisses. But What I Really Love is Help with the Dishes.”
4. Be friends with each other
Gottman’s research points to one other important insight: couples with deep friendships report higher levels of marital satisfaction. The reason? Friendship is correlated with deeper levels of understanding, admiration, and mutual respect.
5. Have sex at least once a week
Researchers have long suspected that sex is correlated with relationship satisfaction. However, the research of psychologist Amy Muise shows that the link between sexual frequency and relationship wellbeing stops at having sex once per week. It’s what researchers call a “curvilinear” association. The more sex you have, the more your relationship satisfaction improves — that is, until you hit once a week. From there on out, relationship satisfaction stays the same, no matter how much mind-blowing sex you have.
Nate and Kaley Klemp are authors of the new book The 80/80 Marriage: A New Model for a Happier, Stronger Marriage, a New York Times Editors’ Choice selection. To download their free PDF guide to Epic Date Night, tap here. This article was reposted and used with permission from the 80/80 Marriage.” Also check out their great book “The 80/80 Marriage” and free relationship guides HERE.