Check out podcast episode 77 The 7 Myths That Keep Couples From Having More Frequent And Fulfilling Sexual Intimacy.
MYTH – BELIEVE THAT TO HAVE SEX.. YOU HAVE TO BE TURNED ON
If you and your spouse are always waiting for the stars to align (both be turned on at the same time), you might be waiting days, weeks, months or even years. That is a called a “Miracle”. Very seldom are both spouses going to be in the mood and “ready to roll” at the exact same time. Having said that, that doesn’t mean you can’t help them get in the mood. Rather than making sex about sex, make sex about emotional/spiritual and physical connection, love, energy and strengthening your relationship.
Do you think I get excited about jogging several miles each morning? No way! But I love how I feel afterwards and know it is impacting me in a positive way (I am going to be in better shape, more healthy, mentally and physically, stronger etc). Same thing about sex, find the motivation and the “why” you should have sex. Once you get started.. you will be glad you are doing it 🙂
This is also why scheduling sex works for many couples. If it is not on the schedule, it won’t get done.
MYTH – BELIEVE THAT SEX ALWAYS HAS TO BE AMAZING/MIND BLOWING FOR IT TO BE ENJOYABLE (and if it’s not amazing every time, then why do it)
Some nights, we are tired, worn out and stressed and we know sex is going to be a different experience that night. Maybe it is less foreplay, and we jump into sex quicker. Maybe a sex aid is used to help your spouse get in the mood quicker. All of that is ok! The important thing is that sex is made a priority to connect. I liken it to a saying: “Golf is like sex, when its good, it’s great, and when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good” 🙂
Sex doesn’t always have to be mind blowing!
Forget about what kind of sex you are having and just have it! Sex is just like practicing an instrument or sport. The more you do it the more you will get good at it and the more enjoyable it will become. Our sex is 100x more amazing now then when we were newly married! We continue to learn and grow. The key is to keep doing it and connecting, and communicate with your spouse about what they want in the bedroom.
Quote from Sexy Marriage Radio – “Married sex is bad on purpose. This is because really good sex requires growing up, a.k.a. humility, maturity, generosity, and at least a developing sense of self-respect – and this generally develops later in life when wrinkles, cellulite, and gray hair enter the picture.“
MYTH – WOMEN TAKE LONGER TO GET AROUSED THAN MEN
Many studies have been done that show women can get sexually aroused and in the mood physically just as fast as men can. However, sex for women is much more physiological and mental as they have to be in a good mental frame of mind to get in the mood for sex.
This is why it is so important for husbands to start early in the day. Send your wife sexy texts, tell her how much you love her, leave her a note, have a great conversation with her, help her around the house. A woman’s biggest sex organ is her brain so if you want to turn on your wife, meet her emotional needs. Bottom line it is just a different kind of arousal for women and they have to be both mentally and physically aroused.
MYTH – BELIEVE IT’S YOUR SPOUSES RESPONSIBILITY TO GET YOU IN THE MOOD (so if your spouse doesn’t get you in the mood, you dont bother with sex)
Getting in the mood for sex is up to you. It’s your choice and only you can control. It’s not your spouses job to try to constantly get you in the mode. You want to be the kind of person that turns your spouse honor inspires arousal in them, but it is not your job to get them in the mood. Sex is something we have to learn on our own by understanding our own bodies, and desires, and then expressing them to our spouse. It is also important to understand your “desire style” and and express that to your spouse.
Having sex and getting in the right frame of mind is a choice which you have total control of.
MYTH – BELIEVE MEN WANT SEX WAY MORE THAN WOMEN DO
Men think women just dont want to have sex so they don’t try very hard to pursue it. In most cases this is not true! Women want sex, and they want their husbands to pursue them! If the man isn’t pursuing, then he is not going to be getting sex that often. The key is pursuing “the right way”
Studies show that women want sex (or think about sex) as often as men do, however because sex is so much more mental for a woman, and women sexual response cycles are generally a “RESPONSIVE” desire meaning both the body and the mind need to be aroused. If men take care of their wive’s needs, then the wife will be in the mood for sex much more often.
We have MANY women reach out to us and say they are the higher drive spouse in the relationship. Men, women want to have sex with you, but there are things you need to do to get them in the mood!!
MYTH – BELIEVE SEX ALWAYS FEELS GOOD AND IS AMAZING FOR BOTH SPOUSES
If you are not both being satisfied in the bedroom, that is ok. You can work together to get there.
I had envisioned what I thought sex would be like before Amy and I got married, and it has transformed and our sex life is different than I thought it would be (in a very good way). I thought sex (penetration) would feel good and be amazing for both of us and we would just be having great sex all the time! Although we do have great sex that is satisfying for both of us, it is a lot different than what I thought it would be.
- What feels good to me doesn’t necessarily mean it feels good to her.
- Sex is something you have to test, try new things, practice and figure things out (experiment)
- It is so important for couples to openly COMMUNICATE about what they want sexually in the bedroom. What their fantasies are, what turns them on and feels good, their favorite positions or techniques etc etc.
- The woman has a clitoris and the only purpose for that is for pleasure!
- Most women cannot have an orgasm through intercourse.
Sex takes practice and you need to experiment and discuss to find out what feels good for the both of you to make sex amazing.
*Check out our amazing Sexual Intimacy Marriage Course to open up the communication in the bedroom and experience “Ultimate Intimacy”
MYTH – BELIEVE YOUR SEX LIFE SHOULD BE JUST LIKE WHAT WE SEE ON TV OR MOVIES.. and if it’s not, something is wrong with your sex life
What we see in movies, or TV is not real. Amy has never thrown me against the wall and had her way with me. haha. TV portrays sex a certain way and makes us feel that if our sex life isn’t like that, something is wrong with us. The truth is that sex is different in every relationship and it is between the couple. Some couples do things that others couples wouldn’t feel comfortable doing and that is totally ok. It is important to realize that the best sex in your relationship is what you both feel comfortable with and enjoy, and your sex life probably looks different than some other couples sex life. Find what works for you and focus on building “your” relationship and don’t worry about what other couples are doing.
I think a lot of people turn to pornography because they want sex to be like they imagine it or see it on TV, movies etc. This is all a mirage, its fantasy. That doesn’t mean you can’t have mind blowing sex, but it happens differently. It takes practice and work to get there.
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