Parenting is one of life’s greatest joys but it’s also one of the greatest challenges to a marriage. It’s easy for couples to slip into a routine where the children’s needs consistently come first, leaving the spouse feeling neglected or disconnected.
Research from marriage experts, including John and Julie Gottman, suggests that couples who prioritize their relationship even while being attentive parents tend to have more resilient, fulfilling marriages and create a healthier environment for their children.
Below are seven signs you may be putting your kids before your marriage, along with practical strategies for recalibrating your relationship.
You may also enjoy the podcast we did on this subject titled: The clear signs you are putting your kids first.
1. You and Your Spouse Rarely Have Alone Time
When was the last time you went on a date night or even a simple walk without the kids? If time together as a couple only happens after the children are asleep and you’re too exhausted to truly engage, your marriage is likely taking a backseat.
The Gottman Institute emphasizes that regular, intentional couple time strengthens the emotional connection, which is the foundation for a lasting relationship. Couples who share even small, meaningful moments of connection are three to four times more likely to report marital satisfaction.
What to Do:
- Schedule weekly couple time like you schedule your kids’ activities. Treat it as nonnegotiable.
- Start with thirty-minute windows for conversation, coffee, or a walk together without phones or interruptions.
- Use micro-moments during the day to check in emotionally, like a five-minute chat while dinner cooks.
2. Parenting Decisions Always Take Priority Over Marital Needs
If every discussion, plan, or family decision automatically defaults to what’s best for the kids, your spouse’s preferences may never get heard. According to family therapist Terri Orbuch, PhD, couples who consistently prioritize the relationship over parenting conflicts report higher satisfaction and lower stress, which benefits both the parents and children.
What to Do:
- Introduce a relationship first mindset: before big parenting decisions, ask, “How can we meet both the kids’ and our marital needs?”
- Rotate decision-making: alternate who leads discussions about kids’ activities, meals, and schedules to ensure both voices are considered.
- Practice compromise with your spouse outside of parenting debates, strengthening negotiation skills that improve your teamwork overall.
3. You Feel Guilty Doing Anything as a Couple Without the Kids
Feeling selfish for wanting alone time with your spouse is a red flag. Couples who avoid time alone out of guilt risk emotional disconnection. The Gottmans highlight that guilt around personal or couple time can erode intimacy, leaving both partners frustrated and resentful.
What to Do:
- Reframe your thinking: time together as a couple isn’t selfish, it models a healthy relationship for your children.
- Start small: a quiet coffee or short outing with your spouse can gradually reduce guilt.
- Communicate openly with your children about your need for couple time. Children thrive when they see parents nurturing their bond too.
4. Most of Your Emotional Time and Energy Goes to the Children
Parenting naturally demands emotional energy, but if your spouse routinely comes second, your partner may feel invisible. Couples who share emotional labor, such as supporting each other through stress, listening to daily concerns, or celebrating wins, report stronger satisfaction. John Gottman’s research shows that feeling seen and validated by your spouse is a key predictor of marital stability.
What to Do:
- Set aside fifteen minutes daily for an emotional check-in with your spouse. Ask about their feelings, challenges, or successes.
- Divide emotional labor: alternating who handles school updates or doctor visits can free energy for the marriage.
- Express gratitude for each other regularly. Simple acknowledgments like, “I appreciate how you handled the kids today,” reinforce connection.
5. You and Your Spouse Function More Like Co-Parents Than a Couple
If your conversations revolve around logistics, school, meals, homework, without discussing dreams, goals, or intimacy, your marriage risks becoming transactional. Marriage counselor Dr. Sue Johnson emphasizes that couples must nurture attachment and emotional responsiveness, not just coordination, to maintain a strong bond.
What to Do:
- Schedule a couple conversation each week unrelated to kids. Discuss your goals, hobbies, or fun ideas together.
- Ask open-ended questions like, “What’s something exciting you want to do this month?”
- Reintroduce physical affection. Hugs, handholding, and kisses help reinforce emotional intimacy beyond parenting duties.
6. Your Kids’ Schedules Dominate Every Aspect of Family Life
Sports, music lessons, homework, and playdates can consume every free hour. When your relationship becomes a secondary priority, marital satisfaction declines. Research from the National Marriage Project shows that couples who intentionally carve out time for themselves despite busy schedules have higher marital stability and report better co-parenting.
What to Do:
- Create a weekly calendar that blocks out couple time alongside children’s activities. Treat it with equal importance.
- Learn to say no to activities that overextend the family. Prioritize quality over quantity.
- Consider shared family activities that include couple bonding moments, such as family walks or cooking dinner together, allowing connection without sacrificing parental responsibilities.
Check out this other great article: Kids before spouse in marriage? No way!
7. Your Spouse Feels Like They’re “Last on the List”
One of the clearest signs you’ve put children ahead of your marriage is when your spouse expresses feeling unimportant or replaced. Feeling undervalued can lead to emotional withdrawal and conflict. Dr. Howard Markman, co-founder of the PREP, notes that couples who address feelings of neglect early are far more likely to restore closeness and reduce resentment.
What to Do:
- Have an honest conversation. Ask your spouse how they feel and listen without defending your actions.
- Recommit to mutual priorities. Identify one or two actions each week that make your spouse feel valued.
- Celebrate milestones together, anniversaries, birthdays, or even small wins. Recognizing your spouse as a priority reinforces connection.
Final Thoughts
Putting children first is natural for loving parents but when it consistently comes at the expense of your marriage, everyone suffers. The marriage experts consistently emphasize that a strong spousal relationship benefits children by modeling emotional stability, conflict resolution, and deep connection.
By recognizing the signs above and taking concrete steps to nurture your marriage through dedicated couple time, emotional support, open communication, and shared decision-making, you create a family dynamic where both the children and the marriage thrive.
Remember, a thriving marriage isn’t about perfection, it’s about intention. Make your spouse a priority, and you’ll find that your children benefit from a happier, healthier home where love and attention flow in balance.
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