By Ultimate Intimacy
Let’s be honest—oral sex is one of the most vulnerable and intimate acts in marriage, and yet, for many couples, it’s also one of the most intimidating. Whether it’s because of moral concerns, past trauma, embarrassment, or just not knowing what to do, many married couples struggle to feel comfortable giving or receiving oral sex.
If that’s you—take a breath. You’re not alone. This article is for the husbands and wives who want to grow in their physical intimacy but aren’t quite sure how to take that step.
At Ultimate Intimacy, we’re all about helping you feel confident, comfortable, and connected in your marriage—emotionally, spiritually, and physically. So let’s talk about how to break through the discomfort and experience a deeper level of intimacy with your spouse through oral sex.
Why Is Oral Sex So Uncomfortable for Some?
There are a variety of reasons why one or both spouses might feel uneasy about oral sex:
- Moral concerns – Some people were raised with the belief that oral sex is “dirty” or sinful. But scripture gives no specific prohibitions against it within a loving, married relationship. What matters most is mutual consent, love, and honor between spouses.
- Sanitation worries – It’s not unusual to be concerned about cleanliness. Some spouses worry about taste, smell, or hygiene.
- Past sexual trauma – If you or your spouse have a history of sexual abuse, certain acts may feel triggering or unsafe. If this is the case, be gentle and take things slowly—healing is possible.
- Insecurity or awkwardness – It’s totally normal to feel unsure of what you’re doing or to worry about how you look, taste, or smell. Vulnerability takes courage, and learning together is part of the beauty of marriage.
- Lack of perceived importance – If it’s something you’ve never experienced, you might not understand why it matters to your spouse—or how it could benefit you both.
So Why Even Try?
Because intimacy is about connection, trust, and love—and oral sex can powerfully deepen all three. When done in a loving and respectful way, it:
- Creates deep physical pleasure
- Strengthens emotional connection and trust
- Feels incredibly personal and vulnerable
- Shows your spouse you desire and delight in them
- Builds mutual satisfaction and gives you new ways to serve and love each other
Still hesitant? That’s okay. Here are tips to help you feel more comfortable—whether you’re the one giving, receiving, or both.
Prepare Mentally and Emotionally
Before you jump into bed, take time to prepare your mind and heart. This might mean journaling through your hangups, praying about it, or simply talking yourself through the truths: “This is safe. This is good. This is something I can learn to enjoy with my spouse.”
If moral concerns are holding you back, study what scripture actually says (or doesn’t say) about this kind of intimacy. You’ll find that God designed sex to be pleasurable, mutual, and sacred between husband and wife. Oral sex can absolutely be a beautiful part of that.
Have Honest Conversations
The most powerful intimacy builder? Communication. Let your spouse know what you’re feeling. Be specific. Saying “I just don’t like it” leaves room for confusion, while saying, “I feel self-conscious” or “I’m not sure how to do it” opens the door to connection and understanding. If you have a hard time talking about sex, check out our amazing “Let’s Talk About Sex” Card Deck!
Ask your spouse what they enjoy, what feels good, and how you can love them better. Offer feedback to each other without shame. You’re a team—exploring this together.
Prioritize Cleanliness
This one’s easy and incredibly helpful. If sanitation is a big mental block, take a warm shower or bath together beforehand. Use wipes, freshen up, and maybe even try a light, clean-smelling body lotion (avoiding anything scented on or near genitals).
Feeling and smelling fresh can help both of you feel more relaxed, confident, and focused on enjoying the moment instead of worrying.
Go Slow and Ease Into It
There’s no rush. Oral sex doesn’t have to be the first thing you do—or even the main event. Start with kissing, touching, and slowly working your way down your spouse’s body.
This gradual build-up gives both of you time to relax and feel safe. It also helps the receiver feel desired and the giver feel more connected.
Use Your Words (Gently)
Yes, even during. Tell your spouse what feels good. Ask what they want. Don’t be afraid to say things like “a little slower” or “that feels amazing.” It doesn’t have to be a monologue—but communication during oral sex helps both of you feel seen, heard, and satisfied.
Try Different Positions
Some positions may feel awkward or uncomfortable. Others might feel more natural and allow better access and enjoyment. Don’t be afraid to move around or try something new.
For example, if kneeling causes strain, try lying side-by-side or having the receiving spouse lie down while the other gently explores. There’s no wrong way—as long as you’re both comfortable and enthusiastic.
Check out all of the amazing positions within the Ultimate Intimacy App our get our sex position card decks!
Make Eye Contact
Don’t underestimate the power of a glance. Even if it’s just once or twice during the act, looking into your spouse’s eyes can take things from physical to emotional. It reminds you both: this isn’t just about pleasure—it’s about love.
Learn the Techniques
No one is born knowing how to give or receive oral sex. Like everything else in marriage, it’s a skill you build together.
Read articles (like this one), explore resources that align with your values, and don’t be afraid to ask your spouse what feels good. The more you learn, the more confident you’ll become—and the more fun it can be for both of you.
Final Thoughts
Feeling unsure about oral sex doesn’t make you broken. It makes you human. But with love, communication, and a willingness to learn, this can become one of the most intimate and satisfying parts of your physical connection.
Your bedroom is a place of exploration, play, and deep love. Take your time. Be patient. And remember—you’re not just learning a new skill… you’re discovering new depths of closeness with your spouse.
Want more ideas to spice up your foreplay, explore new positions, or build emotional intimacy? Check out the Ultimate Intimacy App—created just for married couples who want more connection in and out of the bedroom.
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