Check out the podcasts episode HERE
Do you ever look at your spouse and feel like you’re just drifting apart? You might completely love each other because most couples do, but maybe the day to day routine is wearing you down? A lot of moms will spend their days with kids while their husbands at work… then in the evenings they tag team to get stuff done: feed the kids, play with the kids, do homework with the kids, run them to all over places. If you have little kids: bath them, clean them up, clean up the house and then possibly mom tries to get some work done or catch up on some project. Husband tries to get some downtime watching TV or playing a video game all the while, or catch up on a project of his own. Both spouses usually collapse into bed and then wake up and do it all over again. Does this sound all too familiar?
We know that for us, it was about year 12 of our marriage that we realized we were getting in a rut, prioritizing our kids before our marriage, and careers too. Our life started to feel like groundhog day. The connection between you can leave easily if you aren’t putting your marriage first, and you start to feel like your just living together. Life can get so busy and there are so many distractions in this world that can take our attention away from our marriage. Then the passion fades away slowly.
It can happen so subtly that you don’t really realize that it is happening, and you wake up one day and you’re thinking wait… where did the romance go?
I don’t think anyone does it intentionally either. You hear so many stories about how the romance and the passion was just so fantastic when at the beginning and then how it changes over time.
“We were married 14 years ago, my husband and I were browsing at the mall when I saw a gorgeous necklace I just fell in love with. At the moment I didn’t have enough cash, so I put it back on the rack and walked away. A couple weeks later, we were sitting at dinner and he handed me a a small box. It was that necklace I had wanted so badly. He had noticed that I wanted it, and secretly went and bought it for me on his own time.
I knew you loved this necklace, he said, and I really wanted to surprise you with it. I wanted to show you that I love you! I smiled. It was one of the sweetest, most romantic things that I will never ever forget. My husband was such a thoughtful man, which was one of the main reasons I married him.
The earliest stage of romantic relationship really is heart fluttering. It is so exciting when you get to see each other and you just cant keep your hands off each other. It’s when couples are super engaged with with each other and most thoughtful and giving. This is the time when you really get to know each other and every moment together feels magical.
I think that we’ve all been in that place in our marriage, before reality hits, and the stress of life comes at full force. The intensity fades into something much different in marriage. Years later your staring at eachother once in a while at dinner and you are now discussing the kids, the duties of the house and those daily tasks. And sadly, at the end of most days, we’re sitting on separate couches, staring at our electronics and barely talking. Is the thrill of love over? The stage of intimacy has changed.
The intensity in your relationship changes, and grows into something different.. usually quieter. Some couples get to the point where they stop talking about things because it is going no where, or they hate to keep arguing so they just shut down. The passion dies down, or even gets turned off for some. This is when the term “roommate” comes in. Two people living together, feeling stale. No sparks or excitement.. just business. More than half of couples find themselves in this situation, sadly. But they don’t have to. There are so many ways that you can keep the passion alive. You don’t have to turn into roommates in your marriage, but it does take effort, and work on both sides.
When you have two people that kind of just let marriage slide and stop caring about prioritizing their marriage and their intimacy and there sex life, you can see how things just get worse and worse.
Most couples don’t let this happen intentionally.
Before we get into the things that can help take the roommate feeling to the romance marriage back, we’re going to discuss the poll that we took on social media. The reality is that I’m really sad to have to read some of these stats because it kind of broke my heart. Like it really did. Like we were reading through some of the answers last night and just thinking, how did they get to that place in their marriage? How heartbreaking
Poll question #1:
What do you feel like in your marriage right now? Do you feel like roommates or romantic lovers?
It was a 24 hour survey, it ended up at 42% felt like roommates, 58% felt like romantic lovers.
Poll question #2: Do you feel it is hard to keep your marriage passionate?
71% said Yes they find it hard.
Question #3: How often do you have date nights?
Here is a few of the answers:
Every couple of months, weekly, never, it’s really rare, we haven’t gone on a date since my two year old was born, once a month, once a week, Never.
So sad. If you are not prioritizing date night, do you think you can have a passionate marriage?
When we hit our 15 year anniversary in our marriage, we decided that date night needed to be prioritized in our marriage, and it CHANGED our marriage! We religiously have a date night every week and sometimes even twice a week, and if your thinking thats a lot and expensive.. it doesn’t have to be! You can have a back yard date night, a hike for date night, or just lay in bed and talk to each other!
I think that also is a good example for your kids to let your kids see that you prioritize your time together as a couple and show that is very important. They’re going to see that and they’re going to know that’s what a marriage should be like.
The last question we asked on our poll (I asked the 42% of you that felt like roommates) what is causing you to feel like that?
Some of the answers were lack of intimacy, lack of communication in their marriage, never spending quality time together, no sex in the marriage, a lof of arguing, too much criticism and past experiences that have brought up brought up, lack of desire for sex with my spouse, not prioritizing our relationship on both parts, there’s no chemistry anymore in our marriage, no connection, we have a newborn, or my spouse doesn’t like sex, lack of romantic effort on either of our parts, lack of words, opposite work schedules etc..
So what’s the solution?
1. Get off of your phones.
We have all gotten the screen time updates on Sundays! If your like us, you are probably shocked at the number it gives you. Are you thinking, “how on earth did I spend that much time on my phone last week?”
It is a real problem and is really affecting marriages. It’s definitely one of Satan’s tools nowadays to destroy marriages and relationships, not even just relationship with your spouse, but like with family members and with your kids and with yourself. The only time you should really be on your phone is if you have the ultimate intimacy app open and are using it with your spouse 😉
FIND OUT “WHY YOUR SMART PHONE COULD BE DESTROYING YOUR RELATIONSHIP“
We created the app so that people, if they’re addicted to their phones, they can do good things on it with their spouse. It was created by professionals, marriage counselors and sex experts. I thought if people are going to be addicted to their phones, let’s at least be strengthening their marriage while they’re addicted to their phones, and help you get addicted to your spouse:)
So get off your phone, and pay attention to your screen time! Pay more attention to your spouse.
If your spouse is addicted to your phone and you feel like it’s pulling away from your marriage, this is a time to be open and honest about it and express yourself and just say, “Hey, how can we both connect before or after?”
2. Stop talking about your kids all the time.
We are NOT saying don’t talk about your kids. We are just saying do it in balance. Maybe talk about each other or some new interest. Talk about new hobbies, or things your want to try, or maybe past memories when you were dating, romantic things. Talk about each other ❤️
3. Stop scheduling too many things for your kids to where your days are just crazy busy.
If you have no time for yourself or for your marriage, it is time to stop scheduling so many things for your kids. All things in balance. If you feel too tired, or too stressed at the end of your day, it might be time to cut things out. In this crazy busy, competitive world, it is important to look at your like and realize that a lot of the things we add to our day, isn’t really important in the long scheme of things. If your marriage is suffering, maybe it is time to put it first. Don’t over schedule yourself.
4. Hang out together and do fun things!
When you started dating, you fall in love and it’s all romantic and exciting! When you started dating you made your spouse or boyfriend top priority, you wanted to be with them and you couldn’t wait to be with them, you couldn’t wait until your work shift was over at work just to see them! The longer you are married.. your spouse can start to go down the list. In your life, if you put an important meeting in your calendar, you don’t miss it right? You make sure to be there and to be on time. Do you treat your spouse like this? How about taking your calendar, wiping it clean, and putting your spouse in it first. Then write all the rest of your stuff in. Make sure to write in activities that are new, exciting, and fun! Pretend you are starting to date all over again and find that excitement together! The more you do it, the more you’re going to find that you want to make more time for it.
5. Divide household chores, childcare responsibilities equally.
Every person has expectations for what they think they should be getting out of their marriage. If your expectations don’t align, you should make a vision board or just write down goals together. Prioritize and balance things so that you’re feeling a little more equal in the marriage or whatever it is that is going to help you align your expectations and goals together. If the household responsibilites are not equal, it important to TALK about it and express your feelings and concerns. If you truly love each other, your spouse should be willing to listen, and express their concerns and desires too.
6. Our new Kick start your sex life.
It is time to jump start your sex life if you are feeling like roommates. People get married to be loved, and to show love. If you or your spouse has cut off sexual intimacy in your marriage, it is time to get some professional help… please. No one deserves a sexless marriage.
Schedule sex if you need to. Go get a hotel and have an overnighter!
We got a lot of comments like “my kids don’t sleep and I have a newborn and a toddler and they crawl in my bed” and lots of those kind of excuses. We KNOW that you have some time in your week to spend time together and be intimate. If you don’t have ANY time, then you really need to re-prioritize your life and your marriage.
We totally understand that people get tired. If you just spend 10 or 15 minutes being intimate, it will change your marriage for the better.
8 REASONS YOU SHOULD HAVE SEX TONIGHT
We have a lot of good vacation destinations. You can go find a good discount on the ultimate intimacy app.
CLICK ON THE PICTURE BELOW TO ACCESS GREAT VACATION PACKAGES!
7. Our Bring those little things back in that you did when you were dating.
Nick showed up yesterday with a surprise gift. I was so excited! It showed me that he thought of me, he knew my love language, and he was willing to take the time out of his day to get me something. It’s those kind of things that make you remember why you married your spouse. If your spouse likes words of affirmation, may want to surprise your spouse with a love note. Bring that back into your marriage.
It really is the little things. To make a change to go from a roommate style marriage to a romance marriage, it doesn’t take much.
8. Play games together.
When we were first married and things were tight budget wise, we played board and card games together all the time. It was so much fun! It didn’t cost any money at all and it was fun because we were talking and making some bets and the winner ended with a back massage or something like that 🙂 Playing games is something you can do instead of getting on the phones or watching T. V. Playing games really gets you talking and connecting with each other and can bring back the spark and fun you use to have.
9. Foreplay is the fun play.
It’s the time to have fun! We did get a lot of comments about foreplay taking too long and maybe one spouse doesn’t like it because it takes some women an hour. Why would you not want to take an hour playing? Yeah, it doesn’t have to mean you’re having sex, it could be massaging each other, touching each other, just kissing. Just make it fun again.
That’s why we just launched our new products, as well as the app. If you feel like you are getting it into even a little bit of a rut or you’re in a complete rut, or you just feel like it’s going that direction, just sit back and talk to your spouse and figure out what one little thing you can do better to bring a little bit more romance back into your marriage.
We have a ton of date night ideas on the app and we have our date night idea boxes that we added to the shop. There’s a lot of things that can give you ideas to go out and have a good time together!
Check out our amazing products as well by clicking on the picture below.
Also, don’t forget to download the free Ultimate Intimacy App to spice it up your marriage. It has a ton of resources, articles, bedroom games, conversation starters and many other things to strengthen your marriage. Click HERE to download for free on the app stores.
