Check out the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast Episode 93. “Getting The Toxic People Out Of Your Life… And Why You Need To Do It”
We have all been in toxic relationships, whether it’s business partnerships, friends, and even toxic family members. These people can cause major conflicts and problems in your life and in your marriage, even though you aren’t married to them. So what is a toxic person and what do they do?
A toxic person exhibits behaviors that are mentally, emotionally and physically damaging or harmful to the other person.
Here are some of the signs and attributes a toxic person has:
- They are manipulative
- They are dishonest
- They are abusive
- They use you to get what they want
- Everything is always your fault
- They bring out the worst in you and always make you feel bad
A toxic person can have a tremendous negative impact on your life short and long term. Having a toxic friend, family member or business partner/associate can find it’s way into your marriage and cause significant damage.
I have seen this happen first hand… which I will get to in a moment, but let’s go through in more detail the characteristics of a toxic person so you can identify them in your life.
Narcissistic
A narcissist will blame everyone else (you) for their problems or mistakes. They never take accountability or consequences for their actions. They point the finger at you and you are to blame for their decisions, mistakes and even their actions.
Worst of all, because of their manipulation, they often convince you (or others) that you are the cause of their actions and are very good at turning everything on you.
They Don’t Respect Your Boundaries
Toxic people don’t respect your boundaries and they push you to do or say things you are not comfortable with. Someone who loves you would respect your boundaries and feelings. The only thing they care about is getting you to do (or believe) what they want you to.
They Are Dishonest
Toxic people are dishonest and will do anything to get a head in life and use you to do so. They don’t care how it impacts or effects you negatively as long as they are getting what they want. They will use you to get whatever they can.
They Have To Be The Center Of Attention
Toxic people have to be the center of attention. Everything is all about them. They have to be the hero, or look good to everyone else and they will put you down if needed to get the spotlight and attention.
They Are Inconsistent
If you can be beneficial for a toxic person then they are in to you and will use you to get what they want. If you can’t be of use to them, then they don’t want anything to do with you. They only show up if and when they need something.
They Don’t Listen To You Or Care About Your Feelings
In a normal healthy relationship, people listen to each other and sincerely care about each others feelings. For a toxic person, they pretend to listen if it can benefit them, but generally they only care about themselves and their feelings.
They pretend to care and listen to get what they want.
They Are Always The Victim
A toxic person is brilliant at turning a situation around and making themselves the victim… and they even convince the other people that they are the victim. They are masterful at turning things on other people and never taking responsibility.
Verbally Abusive
Because toxic people are often narcissistic and always have to be right, they don’t listen to other people and are very dominant. Toxic people are often very verbally abusive. By doing so, they bully the other person and manipulate them, and even throw out verbal threats to get what they want.
They Use You… To Get What They Want
A toxic person uses you to get what they want. If you can’t provide them with what they want, then they often get out of your life… but as long as you are giving them what they want, they will continue to use you and stay in your life.
So now lets talk about how a toxic person can negatively impact you and even your marriage.
- They leave you with trauma you often can’t come back from – People that have been in toxic relationships often have trauma and damage that can’t be reversed. They take a wrecking ball to everything and then leave a path of destruction for you to deal with.
- Not good for your mental health – A toxic person will drive you crazy and can cause serious “mental health” issues. They will play with your mind and manipulate you to get what they want.
- They bring out the worst in you
- Cause depression, anxiety and low self esteem
- They drain you of everything and never offer anything in return – Toxic people only care about themselves and will take everything they can from you and use you until there is nothing left for you to give.
Toxic people are actually very easy to spot and recognize in your life if you are looking for the signs. However, because they are very manipulative and dishonest, it is hard to get them out of your life. Here are some other simple things that can help you identify a toxic person in your life and the different between a healthy person and a toxic person.
Healthy Behaviors
- Positive
- Loving
- Giving
- Respectful
- Compassionate
- Trustworthy
- Encouraging
- Honest
- Unselfish
Toxic Behaviors
- Selfish
- Abusive
- Dishonest
- Negative
- Jealous
- Disrespectful
- Narcissistic
- Insecure
Toxic people will bring you down in life, and as a person. The negative impacts not only affect you, but have a significant impact on your family life and marriage AND your mental and emotional well being.
My first experience in my life with a toxic person was a very good friend that I had. My friend seemed like a great friend, but over time he started using me and exhibiting the above warning signs and ended up betraying me in the end over money.
This experience was more painful and humiliating then I can describe. This was my good friend! I had to end our friendship and get him out of my life as he was bringing me down as a person and negatively impacting my relationship with my wife and other aspects of my life.
Since separating myself from this person, my life has been so much happier, and a lot less drama and stress.
My second experience, I was in a business relationship for several years with someone who was very dishonest, abusive, selfish and narcissistic. Every day was a living hell. They were doing dishonest things, lying to me and others, and even threatened me.
This put our company (and my life) in a very bad situation. The only thing that mattered to them was money (and their ego), and getting what they wanted at ALL costs.
Nothing was going to get in their way even if they had to destroy me and my families life, and so they did (after using me to get what they needed). This experience not only significantly impacted my life in a very negative way, but also caused significant damage to my relationship with my wife which I regret more than anything.
These two experiences have taught me a lot
Unfortunately they both cost me a lot as well 🙂 but I can now recognize a toxic person from a mile away and hopefully this will bless my life moving forward.
Toxic people can destroy everything that is good in your life and have no care or remorse to how they negatively impact your life. It is important to recognize the signs early and disassociate with them before things get out of control and it’s too late.
It may be hard to do, especially if it is family or friends but necessary to do. And sometimes you might just have to get them completely out of your life. I have family members that have not talked to siblings in over 30 years, and a friend who has not talked to his son in 20+ years.
They recognize the toxic negative impact on their lives and so they choose not to bring that into their life and relationship. I am not saying this is ideal, but often times to save your life and marriage, you have to get the toxic people out of your life. They will eventually destroy like a wrecking ball, and end up leaving you with nothing but the destruction to clean up.
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