Check out the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast Episode 99 “Traditional And Modern Roles In Marriage For Men And Women… And Finding What Is Best For Your Marriage”
For generations, and for the majority of households, the husband goes to work, provides for the family, takes care of the bills and finances, and fixes things around the house.
He is also the protector of the family.
Women have typically been responsible for raising the kids, keeping the house in order (dishes, laundry, cleaning etc) and preparing meals.
For many households, the husband would leave for work. The wife would get the kids off to school, clean the house, do the laundry and many other things. Then after a long day at work, the husband would come home read the paper, watch TV and relax while the wife was in the kitchen cooking dinner. The wife would serve the family food and then clean up.
The older generation still works like this. We have dinner at our families house weekly and the women are often serving the men dinner, and then cleaning up.
Whether you think this is right or wrong or agree or disagree, the truth is this is how it has been in many of the households and in our culture throughout history.
In this day and age, roles and responsibilities have certainly changed for many couples and families and many of the roles and responsibilities have changed and are now shared between a husband and wife. You see wive’s starting businesses or providing for the family, chores around the house, cooking, running kids around and other aspects are often shared between couples.
Many couples have a hard time transitioning or understanding what their roles are in marriage. In some households the women make the money and the husband stays home with the kids. In other households both spouses work and equally work together on the household chores and things that need to get done.
In our marriage we have had times where I have provide for the family, and other times Amy has provided for the family and we are currently in a place where we are both working together from home and providing (running the business). This also allows us to divide and conquer the household responsibilities, kids, and many other things.
While there is no “right” or “wrong” way, couples need to find what works for them. Here are some things you can do as a couple to determine what each others roles are in your marriage:
Communicate
We often assume (because of history and society) that we understand what each others roles are and just expect that of each other. As most households are a lot different than previous generations, it is important to openly communicate together as a couple, and identify what each others roles, responsibilities or expectations are, or if you are going to divide them what each of you are going to do.
For us in our marriage, we both work from home (and work together) which means we kind of take it as a “day by day” joint effort. Some nights I take care of dinner, run the kids around, take care of the laundry or whatever may be.
Couples who have open communication can navigate the daily demands and responsibilities together.
The key is to openly communicate and have an understanding as to who is going to take care of what… and also be open to helping each other if you can see one of you are needing the help.
Another great options is to talk about what each of you like or dislike doing and divide the responsibilities accordingly. My wife enjoys doing dishes (I don’t), I enjoy doing laundry, yard work etc. Have a good conversation and figure out what you each want to do (or don’t want to do) and come to an agreement.
Make Adjustments
As many times in marriage things can change, you need to be open and accept that roles and responsibilities may change based upon where you are at in life. Sometimes a spouse may get sick, a job change may happen, or many other things that can and will occur in life. Be open to making these adjustments as needed based upon what you are experiencing in “your” life.
Work As A Team
Even if you have identified certain responsibilities or roles that you are going to take care of, be open to helping each other and working together as a team! Back in the day it was very defined who was responsible for what, and you rarely ever saw the husband help with cooking, or laundry etc. Throw that out the window and help and support each other! This will bring you much closer together as a couple and create a lot more intimacy in your marriage.
Make a “to do” list
Writing down and making a list of things that need to be done, and who is going to do can be really helpful and will clarify who is doing what, and what tasks you are doing together.
Forget about the way things were or should be based upon society and find what works for you and your family in your marriage. Supporting each other in your roles and responsibilities will help you find “ultimate intimacy” in your marriage.
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