Talking about sexual desires can feel intimidating, even for married couples who have been together for years. Yet open communication about intimacy is essential for building deeper connection, trust, and satisfaction in your marriage. When both spouses feel safe to express their wants, needs, and boundaries, intimacy flourishes.
If you’ve been struggling to bring up the topic or are unsure how to start, this guide will help you approach the conversation with confidence and care. Here are practical steps to talk to your spouse about your sexual desires in a way that strengthens your relationship.
Check out this great podcast titled: 138. Sexpectations In Marriage.. And Why You Need To Talk About Them Together!
Sexpectations are the expectations you both have about sex in your marriage. This includes frequency of sexual intimacy, who initiates, foreplay, toys, what is ok and not ok, scheduled or spontaneous.. you get the point.
Discussing sexpectations together in your marriage is vital! How can you have better sexual intimacy (or anything else) if you don’t talk about it? Sex plays such an important role in marriage and you both need to be on the same page when it comes to sex. The more you discuss and talk about things in the bedroom, the more comfortable you are going to become, and the better the sexual intimacy will become in your marriage.
In this episode, Nick and Amy discuss what are good sexpectations, and the sexpectations they have in their marriage that work, especially since they both have different desire styles and drives. They also share specific ways to talk about your sexpectations and what you can do to have better sexual intimacy in your relationship.
1. Create a Safe and Comfortable Environment
Starting a conversation about your sexual desires requires vulnerability, so it’s important to choose the right setting. Pick a time when you’re both relaxed, free from distractions, and emotionally connected.
Tips for Creating the Right Atmosphere:
- Avoid bringing up sexual concerns during heated moments or when either of you is stressed.
- Choose a private space where you both feel comfortable.
- Start with positive affirmations about what you appreciate in your relationship to create a safe and encouraging tone.
By approaching the conversation with love and respect, you set the stage for a meaningful and productive discussion.
2. Reflect on Your Desires First
Before starting the conversation, take some time to reflect on what you truly want. Are you craving more emotional connection? Do you want to try something new in the bedroom? Are there specific fantasies or desires you’d like to explore?
Writing down your thoughts can help you organize your feelings and identify the most important points you want to express. Knowing what you want — and why — will help you communicate more clearly.
3. Focus on “We” Instead of “You”
When expressing your desires, avoid placing blame or framing things in a way that feels critical. Instead of saying, “You never initiate sex,” try saying, “I miss feeling pursued and desired by you.” Using “I” statements and framing things in a positive light encourages cooperation rather than defensiveness.
Examples of Positive Framing:
- “I’d love for us to explore new ways to connect in the bedroom.”
- “I’ve been feeling a stronger desire to be close to you lately.”
- “I’d love to know what turns you on so we can connect more deeply.”
This type of language invites your spouse into the conversation rather than making them feel pressured or criticized.
4. Be Honest but Gentle
Honesty is crucial when discussing your sexual desires, but sensitivity matters too. If there’s something you’re missing in your intimate life, share it kindly without making your spouse feel inadequate.
For example:
- Instead of saying, “I’m bored with our sex life,” try, “I’d love to add some excitement to our intimate moments — what do you think about trying something new together?”
By focusing on growth rather than frustration, you encourage your spouse to explore new ideas with you.
5. Ask Questions and Listen
Talking about sexual desires should be a two-way conversation. Ask your spouse about their feelings, needs, and fantasies too. Encourage them to open up by asking thoughtful questions like:
- “Is there anything you’ve been curious about trying?”
- “What makes you feel most desired and connected with me?”
- “Are there things you’d like to experience more (or less) of during intimacy?”
Active listening — giving your spouse time to speak without interrupting or reacting emotionally — is key. By listening with empathy, you create an environment where both of you feel safe to share openly.
6. Use Resources to Help Guide the Conversation
If you’re feeling nervous or unsure where to start, consider using helpful resources to break the ice. The Ultimate Intimacy app offers conversation starters, intimacy games, and ideas to help couples communicate more openly about their desires.
Intimacy aids, such as bedroom games or card decks designed for married couples, can also provide a fun and lighthearted way to explore new ideas together.
7. Address Insecurities and Emotional Barriers
Sometimes conversations about sexual desires reveal insecurities or emotional concerns. If you or your spouse feels hesitant to talk about certain desires, explore what may be holding you back.
Emotional barriers, past experiences, or body image concerns can all impact intimacy. Creating space for these feelings without judgment allows healing to take place. Be patient with your spouse if they need time to process their thoughts and emotions.
8. Establish Boundaries Together
While sharing desires is important, respect for each other’s comfort levels is equally crucial. If your spouse isn’t open to certain ideas, don’t push — instead, find creative compromises that feel safe and exciting for both of you.
Discussing boundaries shows respect and ensures your intimacy remains a space where both spouses feel valued and secure.
9. Celebrate Progress, Not Perfection
Discussing sexual desires is an ongoing conversation, not a one-time event. Be patient with each other, and celebrate small steps forward. Whether it’s trying something new, improving communication, or simply being more affectionate, progress matters.
Over time, these conversations can become easier and even enjoyable as you build trust and deepen your connection.
10. Keep God and Emotional Intimacy at the Center
For Christian couples, inviting God into your intimate life can strengthen your marriage on both spiritual and emotional levels. Pray together, ask for guidance, and seek resources that align with your values.
Emotional intimacy often precedes physical closeness. By focusing on loving communication, respect, and trust, you create a foundation where your sexual connection can flourish in a healthy, God-centered way.
Final Thoughts
Talking to your spouse about your sexual desires doesn’t have to feel overwhelming or awkward. When you approach the conversation with kindness, curiosity, and respect, it opens the door to deeper connection and greater fulfillment in your marriage.
By being intentional, patient, and willing to listen, you create an environment where both you and your spouse feel safe to express your desires — ultimately strengthening your emotional and sexual intimacy.
Remember, your spouse wants to feel desired and connected just like you do. Taking this step toward deeper communication may be the very thing that brings you closer than ever before.
Ultimate Intimacy
For more questions and other great resources to help get your spouse talking about sex, as well as sexual intimacy games, would u rather, truth or dare, resources and articles and so much more, check out the amazing Ultimate Intimacy App to transform your marriage in and out of the bedroom!
Find out why it has over 700,000 downloads and a 4.8/5 star rating in the App Store!
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