Marriage is a journey, and like any long-term commitment, it comes with its highs and lows. There are moments of deep connection, joy, and intimacy, but there are also times when we find ourselves frustrated, disconnected, and unsure of how to get things back on track.
When things aren’t going the way we want them to in our marriage, it’s easy to start pointing fingers—blaming our spouse, external circumstances, or even other people. However, the truth is that many of the struggles we face in our marriages can often be traced back to things we ourselves do or don’t do.
If you’re feeling like your marriage isn’t where you want it to be, instead of immediately blaming your spouse or external factors, it’s time to look inward. Taking accountability for the role you play in the struggles you face is not only empowering, but it also opens up the opportunity for growth and healing.
By recognizing and addressing our own behaviors, we can make the necessary changes to improve the dynamic of our relationship. Here are some common marriage issues that often stem from within, and ways to shift your mindset for positive change.
You may also enjoy this podcast episode we did titled: 288. If Your Wife Isn’t Interested In Sex, Maybe You Should Look “Inward” Instead Of Blaming Her.
We do recognize that there are women out there who just don’t want to have sex and do have AMAZING husbands. We totally get that, and our hearts break for the husbands because sexual intimacy is so vital and important in marriage.
But… what if there are things that some husbands are doing (that they don’t realize) that are causing their wives not to want to be sexually intimate?
We had a wife reach out to us and express that her husband has a temper, gets angry at her, talks down to her in public, and doesn’t treat her very well.
She expressed that she feels broken by her spouse’s behavior, and because of this, she has a hard time opening up and wanting to be intimate with her husband/the person causing her pain (who is supposed to love her and make her feel safe).
Some women also want sex to be emotionally and spiritually connecting as well, and when they feel it is only physical for their husbands, that also erodes the desire.
The bottom line is, when a wife is not feeling safe, secure, or respected by her husband, she is not going to want to be intimate with him. It is just that simple!
In this episode, we talk about the things husbands might do (without even knowing it) that cause their wives to withdraw and not want to be sexually intimate with them. Can we look inwardly and be open and honest with ourselves about the things we might be contributing to that? Join us for this very important episode where we discuss the things some husbands do that cause their spouses not to want to be intimate. We pray it can help your marriage.
Now back to the article..
1. Bad Communication
One of the biggest challenges many couples face is poor communication. Misunderstandings, lack of expression, or avoidance of difficult topics can leave us feeling frustrated and unheard. It’s easy to blame our spouse for not listening, but we also need to examine how we communicate.
Do we listen actively, or are we too focused on our own thoughts and reactions? Are we clear and direct in expressing our needs and feelings, or do we expect our spouse to read our minds?
Communication in marriage is a two-way street. It’s not just about talking; it’s about listening, being patient, and making sure that both partners feel heard and understood. It’s also about how we speak to each other—are we kind, respectful, and mindful of each other’s emotions? When communication breaks down, it’s important to look at how we may contribute to the disconnect. Are we avoiding hard conversations? Do we speak with a tone that is dismissive or defensive?
Takeaway: If communication is a struggle in your marriage, take responsibility for your part in it. Commit to being more open, listening without interruption, and making sure you’re communicating your thoughts and feelings in a way that fosters understanding rather than frustration.
2. Comparing Our Marriages to Others
In today’s social media age, it’s easy to fall into the trap of comparing our marriages to others. We scroll through pictures of seemingly perfect couples and wonder why our own relationship doesn’t look that way.
We compare our intimacy, our connection, and even the things our spouses do (or don’t do) for us. But the truth is, no one’s marriage is perfect, and what you see online is often a curated version of reality.
When we compare ourselves to others, we set unrealistic expectations and begin to focus on what’s lacking in our own relationship. Instead of celebrating the uniqueness of our own marriage, we fall into the trap of dissatisfaction. It’s easy to think that if only we were more like that couple, things would be better. But this only creates discontent and resentment, and ultimately, pulls us further away from our spouse.
Takeaway: Stop comparing your marriage to anyone else’s. Every relationship is different, and what works for one couple might not work for another. Instead of looking at what others have, focus on strengthening the bond you share with your spouse. Celebrate what makes your relationship special, and work together to build a fulfilling marriage that’s unique to you both.
3. Distractions
Distractions are everywhere. Whether it’s work, technology, kids, or social commitments, it’s easy for our attention to be pulled in a million directions, leaving little room for connection with our spouse.
We’ve all been guilty of scrolling through our phones instead of engaging in conversation, or prioritizing work over quality time with our spouse. But constant distractions can lead to feelings of neglect and disconnection.
In a world that demands our attention from all angles, it’s crucial to consciously make space for our spouse. If we’re always distracted, we miss the opportunity to nurture our relationship and make our partner feel valued. The quality of our connection suffers when we’re constantly “busy” or distracted by external factors.
Takeaway: Take a hard look at how you are managing your time and attention. Are you making your marriage a priority, or are you allowing distractions to take over? Set boundaries around screen time, work, and other distractions, and make intentional time to connect with your spouse. Even just a few minutes of undistracted, focused time together can make a world of difference.
4. Not Connecting Emotionally or Sexually
Sex and emotional connection are the two cornerstones of a healthy marriage. Yet, it’s all too common for couples to experience a decline in both. When we’re busy, stressed, or feeling disconnected, it’s easy for emotional and physical intimacy to take a back seat. But the truth is, if we don’t make the effort to prioritize emotional and sexual intimacy, it can quickly erode the foundation of our marriage.
Do you make time to talk to your spouse about how they’re feeling? Do you listen to their needs, desires, and concerns? Emotional intimacy is the key to making your spouse feel seen, heard, and valued. And when emotional intimacy is strong, sexual intimacy tends to follow. On the flip side, when we neglect our emotional bond, our sexual connection can suffer too.
Takeaway: Take accountability for your role in nurturing both emotional and sexual intimacy. Make sure you’re emotionally available to your spouse, ready to listen, and engaged in your relationship. Also, don’t let the busyness of life cause you to neglect your physical connection. Plan time for intimacy, both emotionally and physically, and put effort into making your spouse feel desired and loved.
5. Blaming External Factors
One of the most common ways we avoid taking responsibility for our marriage struggles is by blaming external factors. We might blame our spouse for not being more romantic, or say that our marriage is suffering because of stress at work, financial difficulties, or the challenges of raising kids. While these factors can undoubtedly play a role, the truth is, we all have the ability to control how we respond to these external pressures.
It’s easy to think that if only things were different—if we didn’t have so much stress, if we made more money, or if the kids weren’t so demanding—everything would be better. But the reality is, these external factors will always be a part of life. The key is how we choose to deal with them and how we allow them to affect our relationship.
Takeaway: Stop blaming external factors for the state of your marriage. Life will always throw challenges our way, but how we respond to them is what matters. Take ownership of how you contribute to the relationship and be proactive in making changes that benefit both you and your spouse. Work together to tackle challenges as a team.
Conclusion
If your marriage isn’t where you want it to be, it’s time to look inward. Instead of blaming your spouse, comparing your relationship to others, or allowing distractions to take over, take responsibility for your role in your marriage struggles. Communication, emotional and sexual intimacy, and prioritizing your relationship are all areas where we can make intentional efforts to improve.
Marriage is a partnership, and both spouses contribute to the dynamic of the relationship. By taking accountability for our own actions and making small, consistent efforts to strengthen our bond, we can create the marriage we truly desire. It’s not about perfection—it’s about being intentional and committed to making your marriage the best it can be.
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