09 May

If dirty talk during sex feels awkward for you, don’t feel bad. Church culture has basically ensured guilt-ridden sex. The guilt and awkwardness that comes with the thought of talking dirty during sex are completely understandable, but the good news is that you don’t have to stay stuck in the discomfort zone when it comes to sex. By changing the way you relate to sex, you can start to enjoy the many benefits that come from dirty talk during sex. 

Dirty Talk Definition

So, what exactly is “dirty talk?” Dictionary.com defines it as “sexually explicit speech or conversation intended to seduce or arouse someone.” What seems to make people see sexually explicit speech as dirty in particular seems to be the fact that lots of people use slang words to refer to the genitals. If you’re Christian, you may feel like these are cuss words and avoid using them. Fun fact, when I first started “dirty talking” my husband, I used the clinical terms because I felt so uncomfortable using slang. But that just made it feel even more awkward, so I eventually stopped. 

Here’s the thing though. If the purpose of “dirty talk” is to arouse or seduce my spouse, and sex is something that is beautiful and blessed by God, shouldn’t we reclaim and embrace “dirty talk?” 

Is Dirty Talk in the Bible? 

If we stick to the definition of dirty talk as sexually implicit speech or conversation intended to arouse or seduce, then yes, “dirty talk” is definitely in the Bible!

Check out these passages from the Song of Solomon (I knew this book would come in handy someday!): 

The curves of your thighs are like jewelry, the handiwork of a master. Your navel is a rounded bowl; it never lacks mixed wine. Your waist is a mound of wheat….your breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle. Song of Songs 7:1-3

I have come to my garden—my sister, my bride. I gather my myrrh with my spices. I eat my honeycomb with my honey. I drink wine with my milk. (Song of Songs 5:1)

Awake, north wind, and come, south wind! Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread everywhere. Let my beloved come into his garden and taste its choice fruits.” (Song of Songs 4:16)

The way they talk here really sounds like they are stroking each other with their words, and it is HOT. 

I like to think that this scandalous portion of the Bible was to show us how down-to-Earth God is. He smiles upon the passion and pleasure that spouses experience in the bedroom. And there’s no shame in that. 

Dirty Talk 101 For Christians

Now that we’ve established that sexually explicit speech is indeed in the Bible, let’s talk about the practical benefits to intimacy that “dirty talk” during sex has the potential to provide for you and your husband. 

To do that, I’m pulling out my copy of Laura Brotherson’s book, “Knowing Her Intimately: 12 Keys for a Sextraordinary Marriage.” (**affiliate link below**)

Laura is a certified sex therapist, as well as a marriage and family therapist. Her work is primarily within the Church of Latter Day Saints community, which is in some ways as conservative as Adventism. So if someone knows a thing or two about helping us awkward church girls embrace the assertive seductress within, it’s her!

First off, we have to change the way we perceive “dirty talk.” A crucial part of doing that is actually changing the name. Laura Brotherson uses the phrase “auditory arousal” in her book. I love this phrase as opposed to “dirty talk” because it’s actually way more accurate in describing what’s happening.

When I think of the phrase “dirty talk,” I imagine something sinful, dirty, and demeaning. But auditory arousal makes me think of something pleasurable, intimate, and healthy. It makes me feel like what I am doing is actually connecting me to my husband even more, as opposed to objectifying him, or feeling objectified by him. 

Brotherson explains that auditory arousal is actually an important part of foreplay, particularly for people who aren’t really visually stimulated. So, let’s get into how auditory arousal can work for you instead of against you. 

Radical Re-Orientation to Sex & Intimacy Mini-Workshop

Develop a Sex Positive Mindset Now

Benefits of Auditory arousal 

In “Knowing Her Intimately,” Brotherson identifies lots of benefits to auditory arousal, formerly known as “dirty talk.” Here are some: 

  • Increased power over mental distractions
  • Decreased self-consciousness during lovemaking
  • Increased arousal and orgasmic responsiveness
  • Increased sexual confidence
  • Increased surrender to the sexual experience
  • Greater sexual satisfaction
  • Increased incidence of orgasm
  • A sense of variety and adventure
  • Closer connection between partners

(Knowing her intimately, pages 138-139)

Okay, so I basically listed all of the benefits. But I couldn’t stop myself, it’s just so good for you!  I want to make sure you get as hyped about this as I am. 

In the beginning of our marriage, I struggled a LOT with being present during sex whenever I was stressed out about anything. If grades were due, if lesson plans needed to be written, or if I had a confrontation with a student in my class, it was extremely difficult for me to focus on sex. There were times where I literally had to stop, vent to my husband about everything going on, and then continue lovemaking. 

If you’re anything like me, auditory arousal will help you stay grounded in the moment during lovemaking. You and your husband deserve an experience where both of you are fully present so that you can lose yourselves in the passion and pleasure of the moment. 

Levels of Dirty Talk (Auditory Arousal)

In her book, Laura explains that there are levels to auditory arousal, and each level prepares you for the next. 

Level 1 is Sensual Sounds. Moaning like “Mmmm,” or “Ahhhh” These sounds are erotic and are a great way to give your husband feedback that what he’s doing is working! 

Level 2 is called Sensual Communication. This is the part where you use words to express how you’re feeling in the moment. “I love it when you…” statements are examples of sensual communication. 

Level 3 is Sharing Sensual Scenarios. This is one type of auditory arousal that I have never heard of, but I’m glad she mentions it in her book! This is where you use words to escape into a sexy fantasy with your husband. You can act out making love on a beach, the back of a car, whatever adventure you can think of. 

Level 4 is Naughty Talk. This is basically a more intense version of Level 2. There are a couple of differences though.  At this stage, you’re moving from the soft, lovey-dovey expressions at Level 2, to more rough, explicit language. This is the part where you use those “cuss” words. But here, in your bedroom with your husband, they’re just words. Words that you’re using to verbally worship each other during lovemaking. So think of it as a more intense expression of your desire for each other. 

Embracing Sensuality as Christians 

Here’s the thing. We are sexual beings. God created us this way, and as long as we are suppressed sexually, we aren’t living our full identity. The devil has done a great job at claiming sex and sexuality as his own, and it’s your responsibility to take yours back from him. You can start by embracing yourself as a sensual, sexual being, and taking tangible action towards that. 

***You can find Laura Brotherson over at StrengtheningMarriage.com

This article was reposted and used with permission from Ketsia Gustave with Evolving Wife

For other great resources to spice up your marriage, check out the #1 Marriage App that is clean, non graphic and so much fun! The Ultimate Intimacy App. Click HERE for more info and to download today!

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