Also check out podcast episode 144. Is There Anything Wrong With Transactional Sex And Chore Play?
We love doing blog articles and podcasts about things that seem to be controversial, but when you dive right in are actually very healthy and normal things that could help a lot of couples. This article is one of those. Your first thought about “transactional sex” might be “that is gross, sex with my spouse shouldn’t be like a transaction” or “transactional sex makes it sound like it is being paid for or or something.” Transaction sex in marriage happens a lot more than you think and you may be doing it without even realizing it. Hear us out.
First, lets define what a transaction is: A transaction is a completed agreement between a buyer and a seller to exchange goods, services, or financial assets in return for money.
A transaction is an exchange of goods or services, and something that is typically a win win for both parties involved. For example, we buy groceries and our family gets the food we need to survive, and the store gets our money (win win). A home buyer buys a house, and the seller makes money (or gets rid of the house). In our jobs, we trade our time and skills in exchange for money. Our employer is happy and we are happy. Just about everything we do in life is a transaction in some way, and there is nothing wrong with that. So why would transactions in marriage or sexual intimacy be any different?
Now if you explore the internet asking about transactional sex, you will see a lot of garbage on this subject. We want to make very clear we are talking about transactional sex within a marriage between a husband and wife in a healthy and fun way. Not in any other way that is toxic, or manipulative. When we are talking about transactional sex, we are talking about how life (and sex) typically works for many people and that there is often a “transactional” component to it, but to be honest, we don’t like that it sounds like a transaction 🙂
Amy loves back rubs (and I know that), and I enjoy being intimate with her (and she knows that), so it happens often that we climb into bed and I give her an amazing back rub, and then we make love. It is a win – win for us both! We are both satisfied and happy, and we do this because we love each other and want to do things for each other. This can be looked at as transactional, but we don’t call it that, but in reality it is. I give Amy what she wants and she gives me what I want, and we are both grateful, happy and satisfied, our relationship grows closer and stronger which is the single most important thing.
So many couples look at transactional things as a horrible thing. We get comments like “my husband is just doing this for me because he wants to have sex” or “I am just giving him sex so that he will do ________.” Are both spouses getting what they want? Is it a win win?
So again, why is it bad to have transactional sex? You are providing something and in exchange getting something in return.. which is typically a win win.
Now, we want to make it very clear that sex should never be used as a weapon to get what a spouse wants and again, it should never be used in a toxic way in the relationship. But unfortunately many couples do. Instead of looking at it from the standpoint of using it to get what you want, look at it from the standpoint of something that is very beneficial for both of you!
There are also expectations when people get married. For example, the love and emotional connection. One of the most common expectations in marriage is the expectation of love and emotional connection. Many people enter into marriage hoping to find a spouse with whom they can share their life and emotions with in the most intimate way imaginable.
When two people get married, they often bring different resources to the relationship, such as money, property, and skills. The couple may agree to pool their resources and share the responsibilities and benefits of these resources, similar to a business transaction.
Let’s consider how transactional things happen in relationships.
Why do women get married? Most women get married for financial security.
Why do men get married? Most men get married for sexual intimacy.
Think we are wrong? Look at all the young women that marry wealthy old men. They want to be taken care of financially and have that stability. The older men are willing to provide the financial stability in the relationship to get the physical intimacy.
Now of course there are MANY other reasons people get married and it is not just for the things stated above, but people get married for love, companionship, family, kids, and someone to share their life with as well etc etc, but we need to be realistic and recognize that financial security, and sexual intimacy are some of the main reasons.
Of course we are not suggesting that everything become transactional as that would certainly make things horrible. Also when couples do get too transactional in their relationship, then they start comparing and making sure everything is equal which can cause a lot more issues. We only suggest that sometimes transactional sex can be a help for some couples in their relationship. So find a win win for your relationship and see if it can help!
Ultimate Intimacy
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