You can also check out the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast episode 124. Is there such a thing as too much sexual intimacy?
We constantly talk about how important it is for couples to have frequent sexual intimacy in their marriage. And let’s be real as most couples are probably not having as much sexual intimacy as they should be having. But have you ever ever asked yourself the question or thought “is there such a thing as too much sexual intimacy?”
Most men are probably answering no… and most women are probably answering yes :). Let us share our experience with you.
As many of you know, every year or so we do a 7 day sex challenge where we challenge couples to have sexual intimacy for 7 days in a row, and then share their experiences. We call it a challenge because it is a challenge as having sex for 7 days in a row is not easy! It’s not easy for the wife and it’s not easy for the husband. Even though 7 days of sexual intimacy might sound amazing to a husband, the truth is there could be some negative things from having too much sex.
The reason we do this challenge to see how couples react and the impact it has on their relationship… even if for only 7 days. The interesting thing is for us our experience was different this year vs what it was last year.
For Amy and I, when we did this challenge last year, we found a lot of positives that came from it. We knew we were going to be having sex so we were more mindful of each other. We made sure we were serving each other and not doing anything to cause conflict or augments. We tried to do everything we could to help each other get ready physically and mentally for it. We felt our connection grow stronger as a couple.
This year, we decided to do it as we were on a vacation thinking it would be so much better… and easier as we didn’t have the kids around or any of the normal responsibilities. However our experience was a lot different than it was the previous year and we didn’t even make it the whole 7 days. We made it day 6. Doing the challenge on vacation was more challenging for us than being at home.
Even though we did not complete the challenge the full 7 days, we felt it was a huge success as we learned some very valuable things.
Is there such a thing as too much sex?
After having the 7 day sex challenge, we did a podcast on this topic not knowing how each of was would respond, but here were our responses.
Is there such a thing as too much sex?
Amy’s response – Yes
Nick’s response – Yes
On the final day of the sex challenge I could tell Amy wasn’t in the mood as she made a comment like “we have to do this again?” I certainly didn’t want sex to feel like a chore or just be something we did so we could cross it off the list, so we decided not to do the final night. It was more important to not let it become empty and “a chore” even if it meant we failed the challenge.
What we realized is when sex becomes a chore, or it becomes something that is not connecting us, or something we are no longer looking forward to, then it can do more harm than good to the relationship.
We also realized that 7 Days of sex on vacation was actually much more difficult than being at home!
We both agreed that the vacation actually made it harder to do the 7 day sex challenge as being on vacation meant we were together 24/7 and already connecting is so many other ways together. When we are at home, we have time apart and are focused on completing the tasks throughout the day and so connecting at the end of the day was something we really both looked forward to. The time apart made the time together more meaningful and connecting at the end of the day was much easier.
We also both realized that our bodies aren’t designed to have sex every day. Sex became less exciting and less about connecting and more about just sex. I think it is important to have the time to build up the anticipation and excitement for sexual intimacy and our bodies need a couple days in between to do so.
When couples are having too much sex, it can become all about the sex and less about the connection.
What is the optimal amount of sex couples should be having?
There’s no scientific evidence that shows that having sex every day is bad for your physical or mental health. In previous podcast episodes and blog articles we have provided studies showing that increased sex frequency does promote happier and healthier marriages, but that certainly doesn’t mean if you have sex every day you are going to be happiest, because too much sex can have an adverse affect just as it did for Amy and I.
So what is the right balance or “optimal” frequency for a healthy sex life?
A healthy sex life and frequency is probably going to look different for every couple. What works for some couples may not be best for other couples. For example, in our marriage it is about 2 times a week, but for other couples, this may be too much, or not enough.
The right amount of sexual intimacy in a marriage is when:
- You are BOTH having “quality sex” when you make love.
- BOTH spouses are happy with the frequency of sex.
- BOTH spouses are finding sexual fulfillment and excitement in the bedroom.
The key to finding the optimal amount of sex in your relationship (or balance when it comes to sexual intimacy) is that BOTH of you are satisfied with the frequency and quality. If only one spouse is satisfied, then that is not a good balance or “optimal” frequency. Find what works for the BOTH of you and stop comparing your sexual experiences and frequency to others.
Want a better marriage filled with more emotional and sexual intimacy? Then check out the #1 marriage app on the market, Ultimate Intimacy! It’s FREE to download and will transform your marriage!