You can check out the podcast episode 125. Is This Silent Relationship Killer Hurting Your Marriage?
Pride can often be “the silent killer” of relationships. It is something that is so often overlooked but can cause significant problems in the marriage.
Pride is something that impacts virtually every relationship at some level. It can change based upon the circumstances or things going on in our lives. We all have pride, but too much of it can be bad for our relationship. Pride has the power to destroy a marriage if it isn’t managed properly.
In this article, we’ll explore how it can harm your relationship, and how you can get rid of it to strengthen your marriage.
What Is Pride?
Pride is defined as having an excessive belief in one’s own abilities, that interferes with the individual’s recognition of the contributions of others It comes from “a conceit of one’s own worth or importance.”
Pride can cause a person to feel superior to others and to look down on others, including a spouse. A prideful person will see themselves as better than others because they have accomplished something notable or received recognition for their skills or abilities.
Selfishness and pride are the root cause of almost any sin we commit or relationship issue we have. Think about when things are really good in life. How often do we tend for forget about God? We think everything we have is because of us or something we did and it shows in the way we treat others (including our spouse). However when things are difficult, we often are humble and recognize everything is not about us.
Pride is a sin because it makes us think that we are better than others. Pride is the opposite of humility, which is important in marriage. Pride can lead to selfishness and arrogance.
Many people believe that pride is good because it makes them feel better about themselves. The truth is that it’s impossible to feel good about yourself if you’re too proud. The only way to have true self-confidence is through humility — being able to see other people as equals and love them for who they are.
The negative effects of pride include:
Egoism: Prideful people think they’re better than others, so they don’t need their spouse’s help or support — they want to do everything themselves! Egoism also includes selfishness and being self-centered.
Arrogance: Arrogant people think they know more than everyone else, so they often ignore advice from others (even those who really do know more). They also tend to become critical of other people’s opinions or actions — even if those opinions or actions aren’t wrong,
A lack of trust in your spouse: When you’re proud, you believe that you’re better than your spouse and that he or she doesn’t deserve your trust. You may not realize how hurtful this attitude is because you’re so focused on yourself and what you think is right.
A lack of empathy for your spouse’s feelings: When you have too much pride, it becomes difficult for you to empathize with other people because they don’t matter as much as your own needs and desires do.
A poor self-image that leads to depression or anxiety if things don’t go your way or if someone criticizes something about you that makes you feel insecure about yourself (e.g., physical appearance).
Think about any arguments or problems you have in your marriage and it is probably safe to say pride has something to do with it.
Listen to these situations and statements and ask yourself if any of these hit home.
Amy and I were playing pickle ball and a shot was hit down the middle and we both looked at each other thinking “that was yours.” She said, “that was your shot.” I said “no, it landed on your side.”
From her standpoint she was absolutely right, and from my standpoint I was right. Neither of us were going to budge. The rest of the game we were pissed off at each other and it was not going to get better when we got home and probably turn into a bigger argument. What a stupid thing to argue about and we both had to be right because of our pride which allowed something so little to become big!
Have you experienced anything similar to this?
Often times little tiny things can turn into HUGE things just because we can’t let go of our pride.
- How many arguments in marriage turn into even bigger issues because a spouse always has to be right and can’t admit when they are wrong?
- Or they can’t take responsibility for their actions?
- How often do we point the finger at our spouse and blame them for something we have done wrong? “Well I did that because of what you did or said” and we turn the blame on them?
- How often does our pride keep us from communicating with your spouse and being vulnerable? Having deep meaningful conversations or opening about about our fears?
- How often do we put our spouse down to make us look better?
- How often do we fail to see our faults because we are too busy looking at all our spouses faults?
- How often do we ignore our spouse or don’t take their feelings or thoughts into consideration because their feelings or thoughts don’t matter due to our pride?
How many of us are letting our pride negatively impact our marriages? Probably most of us to some point.
The signs of pride
- You can’t ever admit you are wrong (you never apologize)
- You don’t take responsibility for your actions or for conflict in the relationship.
- You are always blaming or pointing the finger at your spouse (or others)
- You can’t take criticism or be critiqued (you don’t listen to others)
- You always need to be the center of attention
- You are not teachable
- You won’t associate with ordinary or unpopular people
- You are critical or jealous towards others that do better than you. You are quick to point out their flaws
1) Pride makes it hard and difficult for you to apologize – When you have pride it will be very difficult to humble yourself and apologize to your spouse.
2) Pride makes you insecure – A person with pride needs to feel superior. They will put others down to make themselves look better.
3) Pride doesn’t allow you to value your spouses opinion – You become so self centered you are blind to other opinions or any other way of thinking other than your own.
4) People with pride are defensive and can’t admit they might be at fault – How often do we get in an argument or conflict with our spouse and immediately get defensive and even state the reason we did something is because of what they did! We point the finger at someone else for the things we do wrong because of our pride.
We did some social media videos with one of them titled “The ten mistakes women make in marriage” and then one titled “the ten mistakes men make in marriage.”
It was astonishing how fast people immediately shot back and got defensive and started pointing the finger and blaming everything on their spouse or saying “where is the video for men, or women.” The responses were crazy. Instead of listening to the video and thinking “ya, maybe I do need to work on some things or maybe it is me,” people immediately went on the defensive and put blame on their spouse.
5) Pride keeps you from being vulnerable – Because people with pride don’t believe they have any imperfections or make any mistakes, they don’t have any thing to be vulnerable about. They don’t have deep meaningful conversations.
6) People with pride don’t listen to others – Because they act like their thoughts and feelings are the only one that matters, they don’t listen to or consider other peoples thoughts or point of view.
In many relationships, it is our pride that keeps us from truly having Ultimate Intimacy. For example as we shared in the toxic games people play in their marriage (episode 116)
It is pride that causes these issues.
WAYS TO REDUCE PRIDE IN YOUR MARRIAGE
- Forget the “I, me, myself” and focus on the we, and the us.
- Admit when you make a mistake.
- Learn to apologize
- Look at the bigger picture and what you are trying to accomplish.
- Constantly communicate with each other.
- Learn to compromise.
- Be accountable for your actions and don’t blame others for your mistakes
- Stop competing or comparing. It is not a game or who wins or looses.
- Be grateful
- Stop comparing yourself with others.
- Be curious and kind to others
Getting rid of your pride can be a game changer for your relationship and bring you closer together as a couple.
Ultimate Intimacy
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