By Ultimate Intimacy
How often have you told your spouse, “I’m really trying to listen more,” or “I’m trying to find more time for date nights,”or “I’m trying to be more affectionate in our marriage”? It sounds sincere, well-meaning, and deeply caring. But if we are being completely honest with ourselves, the word “trying” often acts as a back door for our commitment. It gives us credit for good intentions while quietly excusing us from actual execution.
As iconic relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman famously observed through decades of studying married couples, a flourishing marriage requires explicit action, predictable behaviors, and consistent effort. Your spouse does not feel loved by the affection you intended to show them; they feel loved by the affection you actually demonstrate. Intentions don’t build emotional safety or reignite physical passion—actions do.
Check out our great podcast we did on this subject titled: Stop “Trying” & Start “Doing” – 4 Steps To Breaking Your Bad Habits In Marriage & Life With Nate Whitson.
At Ultimate Intimacy, we see this dynamic play out constantly. Married couples genuinely love each other and want a closer connection, but they get stuck in the cycle of “trying.” It is time to close the gap between what you intend to do for your marriage and what you actually execute. Here is how you can stop trying to do and start actually doing.
1. The Mindset Shift: Why “Trying” Holds Your Marriage Back
When you tell your spouse, “I’m trying,” what they often hear is: “I acknowledge this matters to you, but I haven’t prioritized it enough to actually change my habits.”
The word “trying” creates a comfortable cushion for failure. If you try and fail, you still get to view yourself as the good spouse who made an effort. But in marriage, effort that yields no tangible change still leaves your spouse feeling lonely, unheard, or neglected.
Real transformation in marriage requires shifting from effort-based thinking to outcome-based action. It means replacing vague goals with concrete, non-negotiable behaviors. When you commit to doing, you remove the passive cushion and take active ownership of your role in the relationship dynamic.
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In marriage, intention without action is just an illusion of effort. Your spouse cannot feel your good intentions; they can only experience your choices.” — Ultimate Intimacy
2. Transitioning from Intentions to Actionable Systems
Why do so many spouses struggle to bridge this gap? Because they rely on willpower and fleeting motivation rather than building sustainable routines. Renowned author and habit expert James Clear emphasizes that we do not rise to the level of our goals; we fall to the level of our systems. If you want to change how you connect with your spouse, stop relying on spontaneous inspiration and build practical habits into your daily life.
Let’s look at common areas where spouses say they are “trying” and turn them into direct, actionable behaviors:
Scenario A: Emotional Connection & Daily Conversation
- The “Trying” Mindset: “We’re trying to talk more often and have deeper heart-to-heart conversations instead of just talking about household chores.”
- The “Doing” Action: Implement a mandatory 15-minute “phone-free debrief” every evening at 8:30 PM. Place both smartphones in another room, pour a glass of water or tea, sit together on the couch, and look into each other’s eyes. Ask open-ended questions like, “What was the most challenging part of your day?” or “How can I support you tomorrow?”
Scenario B: Physical Intimacy & Romance
- The “Trying” Mindset: “We’re trying to be more romantic and keep the spark alive in the bedroom.”
- The “Doing” Action: Schedule intimacy and physical touch intentionally. Initiate a 20-second embrace every morning before leaving the house, and initiate non-demand physical contact—like a foot rub or hand holding while watching TV—without expecting it to lead directly to sex. Put romantic connection on the calendar just as you would any critical business meeting or doctor appointment.
Scenario C: Appreciation and Validation
- The “Trying” Mindset: “I’m trying to notice the nice things my spouse does and express more gratitude.”
- The “Doing” Action: Set a daily recurring alarm on your phone for 1:00 PM labeled “Express Gratitude.” When it goes off, immediately send your spouse one specific text message praising a quality or action (e.g., “Thank you for taking care of the kids this morning—you are an amazing parent and I love you”).
3. Practical Example: The Difference in Practice
- Spouse A (Trying): “I’m trying to help out more around the house so you’re not so stressed at night.”(Result: Sporadic help, your spouse still carries the mental load, and frustration continues to build.)
- Spouse B (Doing): “Every night immediately after dinner, I am taking full ownership of clearing the dining table and loading the dishwasher.”(Result: Clear expectation, immediate relief of burden, built-in consistency, and real appreciation.)
4. Overcoming the Fear of Awkwardness and Imperfection
One reason spouses stay stuck in “trying” is that taking direct action can initially feel forced, clumsy, or awkward. Initiating a new romantic gesture, bringing up a deeper intimacy question, or scheduling time for physical intimacy doesn’t always feel like a scene from a movie. And that is completely normal.
Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), highlighted that emotional accessibility and responsiveness are the pillars of secure attachment in marriage. Waiting for the “perfect moment” or waiting until you feel “naturally inspired” guarantees that connection will be pushed to the back burner by the chaotic demands of everyday life.
Action creates feeling far more effectively than feeling creates action. When you start doing—even if it feels structured at first—the genuine emotional closeness and romantic spark naturally follow.
5. Four Steps to Start “Doing” Today
- Identify Your “Trying” Phrases: Write down two or three things you frequently tell your spouse you are “trying” to do. Be completely honest with yourself.
- Convert Them to Concrete Protocol: Redefine each item into a specific action with a time, location, and clear behavior. (Who, what, when, where).
- Remove Friction and Distractions: Eliminate obstacles that prevent execution. If late-night screen time steals your bedtime connection with your spouse, leave phones charging in the kitchen.
- Track and Celebrate Small Wins: Focus on consistency over perfection. Small, intentional daily actions compound into massive long-term marital transformation.
Take Action with the Ultimate Intimacy App
Stop guessing how to reconnect! The Ultimate Intimacy App is designed specifically to help married couples move from intentions to immediate action. Featuring hundreds of conversation starters, romance games, customizable intimacy calendars, sex positions with instructions, and expert relationship guides, it gives you the exact tools you need to strengthen your marriage today.
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Don’t wait to rediscover each other. Download the Ultimate Intimacy App today—because your marriage deserves more than average.
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