Check out podcast episode 63 The 10 Differences between Happy And Unhappy Couples
We have all seen couples that look like they have an amazing relationship and have everything together and we wonder what their secrets are and yearn for that kind of relationship. On the flip side, we have all seen the couples that we have no idea how they are staying together as it looks like they are so unhappy together.
So what is the difference and what are the secrets of happy couples?
While every couple deals with different trials, struggles and life experiences, there are absolute things that happy couples do that unhappy couples do not do and we are going to talk about the 10 differences between happy and unhappy couples.
INTERACTION WITH EACH OTHER
Happy Couples: When happy couples interact, they show interest, look at each other while talking, show appreciation, smile, listen, ask questions, give compliments, are accepting of each others perspective, and sincerely care about what each other are saying or doing.
Unhappy Couples: Criticize, are defensive, judge, ignore or avoid things, are sarcastic, have a ngetavie attitude, want to cause an argument, and their body language is negative. They want to avoid tough conversations and don’t seem interested.
It is so important for couples to lift each other up and complement each other, and pay attention while interacting. Try to avoid being negative and be positive and give compliments and sincerely care about what the other person is saying.
- Happy Couples: Talk about everything. There are no secrets and they are very vulnerable with each other. They gain each others trust which makes the communication get even stronger.
- Unhappy Couples: Tend to deal with things on their own. They keep things to themselves and don’t open up with each other.
- Happy Couples: have tough conversations together about sex, money, kids etc
- Unhappy Couples: Avoid tough conversations and thing the problems will go away if they ignore them long enough.
Communication is vital and probably the most important aspect in a healthy and happy relationship. Couples have to talk about everything even if its hard or uncomfortable. If you have a hard time with communication, get some conversation starters to help get the conversations going and prompts to open up the discussions about the hard topics.
HOLD A GRUDGE/NEVER FORGIVE
Happy Couples: Are able to forgive and move on. That doesn’t mean they forget but they don’t let it fester and impact their relationship. It’s not that happy couples don’t make mistakes because they do, but they are able to have conversations about it, resolve it and move on. They understand all couples make mistakes and that is just part of life and growing together.
Unhappy Couples: Can never let go of a mistake or something that has happened in the past. This keeps resurfacing time and time again causing more arguments, resentment and can cause a huge division between a couple that only continues to grow with time.
We need to understand how big of a wedge this can cause in a marriage.
I have seen people have miserable marriages because one spouse can not forgive. I fully acknowledge and understand that there are things a spouse can do that are extremely hard to forgive, and in some cases may take a lifetime to forgive and that is understandable, but I am not referring to those things but the things that grow and fester (start out small) and become a raging fire that is too big to put out. Don’t let the little things get out of control.
- Happy Couples: Express gratitude to their spouse/each other and show appreciation. They say “please” and “thank you” which shows each other how much they love and appreciate each other. This goes a long way.
- Unhappy Couples: Generally don’t express gratitude or appreciation to each other. They are more demanding and have expectations that are often not met because they aren’t grateful. They complain instead of being grateful.
I personally believe that one of the biggest things to cause some one to be unhappy is not being grateful or showing appreciation. I honestly have never seen a happy person that does not appreciate things or is not grateful. People that aren’t grateful or show appreciation are usually miserable and will never have enough to make them happy as they don’t appreciate anything.
It is so easy to show appreciation and gratitude for the things your spouse does for you and for other people as well. Tell them thank you, and how grateful you are for what they do. It is very simple and will change your whole perspective on life and your marriage.
QUALITY TIME TOGETHER
- Happy Couples: They enjoy spending time together regardless of what they are doing. It is not the activity that determines if they are happy, but just being together.
- Unhappy Couples: Try to spend more time apart doing their own activities focusing on what they enjoy and don’t want to spend time together with their spouse.
We get so busy in our live’s and there are so many things that demand our time. We need to prioritize things in our life and make sure we are spending quality time with our spouse. Quality time means quality time, not on the couch staring at your phones, or at kids activities, quality time is time together where you can connect emotionally and physically and have deep meaningful conversations without the everyday distractions.
Set a time each week where you will spend quality time together with no interruptions. You will see your marriage flourish when you do this.
PRIORITIZING THEIR MARRIAGE
- Happy Couples: Prioritize their marriage above everything else including their kids. They make their marriage their #1 priority.
- Unhappy Couples: Prioritize their kids, careers and everything else above their relationship.
We have done many podcasts and articles on this subject and there is now way around it. If you want a great marriage, you have to make each other the priority. We see so many marriages where they put their kids, work, or hobbies first and wonder why their relationship with their spouse struggles.
Now I am not saying that kids, work, hobbies, friends and other things are not important because they absolutely are, but your spouse has to come first in life (above everything else). If you do this, you will have an amazing marriage.
MAKE EMOTIONAL AND SEXUAL INTIMACY A PRIORITY
- Happy Couples: They make sexual intimacy a priority in their marriage and even with busy lives, find or schedule times to be sexually intimate and to connect with each other.
- Unhappy couples don’t prioritize sex in their marriage.
There are always excuses not to have sex. I am too tired, the kids might hear, its too late, I am not in the mood and the list goes on and on… If you want a happy marriage, you need to prioritize time to connect physically. If you have to, schedule it and quit making excuses for why you are not being intimate and connecting. If you look at happy couples, unless there is a physical issue, most of them are having sex very often (multiple times a week).
A great resource to spice things up in the bedroom is the Ultimate Intimacy App! It has bedroom games ranging from foreplay to hot and heavy, 200+ non graphic positions (iPhone only), and tons of resources to spice things up. It will literally change your life 🙂
ARENT POSSESSIVE OR JEALOUS
- Happy Couples: Feel secure in their relationships. They trust each other and trust that their spouse is fulfilled and happy.
- Unhappy Couples: Can be possessive, insecure and jealous due to insecurities in the relationship.
Happy couples trust each other and are secure in their relationship. They aren’t worried about their spouse, or what they are doing. Jealousy and possessive spouses can kill relationships quickly!
COMPARE THEIR RELATIONSHIP TO OTHERS
- Happy Couples: Understand that every relationship is different and don’t compare their relationship to others. They are happy with what they have
- Unhappy Couples: Compare their marriage to others and think what they see on instagram or social media is what they have to have to be happy.
Social media is going to be the downfall of our society in my opinion. We all compare our marriages and lives to others and it is It so easy to look at other people who are traveling, have a new car or new house, or look like they have everything.
We wonder why isn’t our relationship like theirs, or why can we have a new house or new car… and what is wrong with us. When you start comparing your relationship or life to others, you are heading down a miserable path. You will never be happy. Stop comparing your life and relationship to others and what you wish you had, and focus on your own marriage.
SPEAK NEGATIVELY OR INSULT EACH OTHER
- Happy Couples: Always treat each other with respect. They do not insult, belittle or speak negatively about each other no matter how update they are.
- Unhappy Couples: They belittle, insult or call each other names and do not treat each other with respect.
Remember that once you say something, you can NEVER take it back so be very careful in how you speak to your spouse. Don’t ever insult, or verbally abuse your spouse. Speak kindly, uplift them and show love in the things that you say.