Check out episode 76 The Hidden Intimacy Killers In Your Marriage
We love taking polls and getting feedback from all of the couples using the Ultimate Intimacy App, and in our recent poll asking our audience about the things that kill intimacy in their marriages, we got a lot of answers that you would expect such as the kids, spouse spending too much time with friends, too much time on hobbies, infidelity, and the list goes on…
We were surprised of the things that were NOT mentioned in any of the answers that surely cause intimacy issues in people’s marriages. We call these The “Hidden” Intimacy Killers. They are things that very few people are aware of, but can have a huge impact on a couples emotional and physical intimacy. Here are the 6 Hidden Intimacy Killers In Marriage.
Not Wearing A Wedding Ring
At first glance many of you are thinking, how can not wearing a wedding ring cause intimacy issues in my marriage? Not wearing a wedding ring might not have immediate ramifications, but it can lead to a path that could cause significant issues in your marriage. It is more of a protection, and preventative thing. For example, consider the following:
Wearing a wedding ring can be the first line of defense against adultery. One of the first thing people look at, or notice about you when you meet them is if you are wearing a wedding ring or not. The opposite sex will make assumptions about your “availability” based upon that. If you are not wearing a wedding ring, they will assume you are single and ready to mingle.
Why in the world would you want to put your marriage in a situation where the opposite sex thinks you are available? Now many of you are thinking, “I am strong, I won’t allow things to happen”… no one ever starts out wanting to have an affair, it starts subtly and slowing. Don’t even put yourself in that situation. Wearing a wedding wring is a protection, and defense to you.
It also shows the following to your spouse and your marriage:
- Commitment: A wedding ring shows a symbol of commitment to your spouse and shows you are committed to them no matter what. Wearing a ring also shows you care about your commitment and your ring can also be a very good reminder about the commitments you have made to each other and the love you have for one another.
- Attachment: Wearing your wedding ring also shows you are attached to your spouse and it is a symbol of your love and affection for one another.
- Infidelity: The MAIN reason you should ALWAYS wear a wedding ring is to avoid or block any unwanted attention. Wearing your wedding ring CAN and WILL prevent unwanted things from happening and is a great line of defense.
- Children: Wearing a wedding ring sends a strong message to your kids and others, showing them that your marriage is safe and secure and that you are committed to each other.
I can only share my personal experience and how I feel, but if Amy takes off her wedding ring when she is playing pickellball, or doing other activities away from me, that makes me feel uncomfortable and absolutely impacts me. Not because I think she will do anything, but it does open up that possibility and takes down that line of defense and I dont want other guys hitting on her or getting the wrong message.
Parenting differences with the kids – Not being in sync with each other
Different parenting styles can cause significant damage to your marriage and relationship which will KILL intimacy. We see this all the time. One parent is too strict and the other is too lenient causing couples to fight over “how” to raise or discipline their kids. We have seen this in our marriage. I grew up in a home where I had virtually no rules and my parents were very lenient. Amy grew up in a home where her parents were more strict.
Now neither is right or wrong, but we sometimes look at things differently when parenting our kids. There have been times where Amy feels one way and I feel another and it has caused conflict as we are not on the same page. This is not good for the marriage, or for your kids to see.
It is very important that even if both parents feel differently, they both some to an agreement and support each other with what they agree upon. sometimes that takes some “give and take” but when you are on the same page with your parenting, Intimacy in marriage is much better. Here are a couple things that can help:
- Take a look back in the rear view mirror and understand how you were raised impacts the way you raise your kids
- Find common ground and work together and come together as a couple. Meet in the middle. Realize you are on the same team and need to be in sync. Couples who are not in sync will find the kids using them, manipulating them and further dividing the marriage.
Porn
First, we need to accept and recognize that Marriage is between one man and one woman. When porn is involved, porn is a third party that is brought into your bedroom and relationship and divides your marriage. The impacts of porn can easily be just as destructive as an affair, and we believe it is just like having an affair or committing adultery. Although you are not physically having an affair, you are having one mentally.
One of the Ten Commandments is “You shall not commit adultery” (Exodus 20:14). Adultery brings a virtual third party into the sexual relationship of a married couple. Pornography creates the exact same feelings and emotional and physical effects as physical adultery. It’s wrong and should not be accepted. Here are just a few things porn can do to your relationship and hurt the intimacy in your marriage:
- Pornograhy creates very unrealistic expectations! it is all a fantasy and is NOT real. Therefore when you bring porn into your relationship, your are bringing unrealistic expectations that can never be met by your spouse because they are NOT real!
- Because porn is a fantasy and not realistic in a marriage, Porn fosters and brings dissatisfaction into the relationship, and can only bring long term disappointment and the needs can never be met.
- Porn really misses the whole point of sex as it ONLY focuses on the physical act of sex and fulfilling the physical lusts. The emotional, spiritual and intellectual parts of sex are completely dismissed and absent from porn sex.
Amy and I have been very blessed to not have any porn problems or addictions in our marriage as we determined early on in our marriage we would do everything we could to put up a protection and barrier to keep it from our lives. One of these protections is we decided we won’t watch rated R movies or movies that would put bad thoughts or actions into our heads.
This has been amazing for us as I don’t have to worry about things going into my head that I don’t want, or to see visual things of other people. I only want to visualize my sexual fantasies with my wife. Because I have never seen anyone else naked, I also don’t have to compare my wife to anything, nor would I want to. She is the most beautiful woman in the world to me.
Although we haven’t had issues with porn in our marriage, we continually do things to make sure we keep it out as we know we can’t let our guard down. We also have some very good friends and people in our lives that have dealt with pornography issues and have see first hand the affects it can have on a marriage. Having said that, there is always hope and places you can go for help. Check out https://www.covenanteyes.com for some great resources and tools to help overcome! You can also find a great article PORN = Poison to your marriage found HERE
Negativity
Negativity greatly diminishes intimacy in a marriage as it is like a slow poison that eventually and slowly kills the marriage. Relationship experts believe and have warned that for every negative interaction in a relationship, there must be 5 positive things in order to counteract the one negative! How can a negative relationship ever survive that? No wonder so many marriages struggle just from this one attribute.
John Gottman (who is a relationship researcher and expert) states that when partners are usually negative towards each other, even a positive interaction between the two of them isn’t perceived as pleasant because negativity can begin to override the positive interactions.
What this means is that over time, spouses behind to interpret the entire marriage as negative. At that point the marriage is in a dark hole that is hard to climb out of. Here are some more things to consider:
Negativity
- Magnifies the other persons faults or shortcomings. Little things become so much bigger
- Negativity greatly decreases gratitude and appreciation. Have you ever seen a negative person who shows appreciation or is grateful?
- Negative people spend most of their time in a bad mood
- Negative people notice only the bad, and not the good. The cup is always half empty
Ways to help with negativity and keep it out of your relationship
- Be kind to everyone including your spouse
- Be grateful
- Be more forgiving
- Spend time with positive people
- Make time for “fun” in your marriage
- Accept your spouses imperfections because you probably have many as well
Ultimatums
If you are unhappy with something in your relationship, you may be inclined to give an ultimatum to get what you want. When you are giving an ultimatum to your spouse, you are warning, or demanding that they actin a specific way or risk loosing you and the relationship. This can be extremely damaging and ultimatums are really “emotional abuse.”
They are threats that force changes in the relationship, just like someone could use physical abuse to do so. This can lead to insecurity and resentment in the relationship as your spouse is pressured, or forces to do something they may not want to do.
There are however situations in a marriage where an Ultimatum may be necessary, but this is used as a last resort and when you cannot continue the relationship unless something changes.
Examples of Ultimatums could be:
- Forcing your spouse to do something in the bedroom they are not comfortable with
- Telling your spouse to give something that is important to them and they have to choose between you or “that something”. This could be an activity, friends, or many other things.
Differences between ultimatums and boundaries
*Ultimatums typically involve a threat of some kind
*Boundaries are something you establish. For example, maybe you dont want to be bothered while out with friends, or at the gym or something so you tell your spouse you do not want to be bothered and will not be taking calls during a certain time or activity. You are not making any threats but stating your boundary.
Ultimatums create resentment and distrust issues in the relationship which can be very damaging and cause significant issues with emotional and physical intimacy.
Instead of using ULTIMATUMS, sit down with your spouse and have a good conversation and set some boundaries, or expectations without threats.
Check out the Ultimate Intimacy Sexual Intimacy Marriage Course for other great ways to communicate about sex and increase sexual intimacy as a couple.
The Blame Game
We are all guilty of this. It is so easy to blame others (or your spouse) for things that go wrong. It could be your spouse gets a flat tire while driving. You say “why would you drive through he neighborhood with new construction? of course you are going to run over a nail” or many other things. NONE of us want to admit when we are wrong, make mistakes or accept that it is our fault. Placing the blame on others (including your spouse) can put the flame in your marriage out immediately.
An example of this: Amy and I were returning home from a vacation with the family and had just traveled for about 20 hours and got to our car to start the 2 hour drive home from the airport. I got in the car to start it and nothing… the battery was completely dead. First thought that came to my mind was remembering the van lights were left on the week before that the kids had left on.
It was the kids fault I thought in my mind. I immediately reminded everyone that they (the kids) had left the lights on in the car… and the battery was dead because they are always leaving the lights on (which they do 🙂
I must admit I caught myself quickly and shut my mouth as I knew it wasn’t the kids fault and I didn’t want it to become an argument, and cause Amy and I to fight as it was already a stressful situation. The battery being dead is just part of life and thank goodness it wasn’t something more serious.
It’s sooooo easy to blame others (including our spouse) for things that go wrong. We need to be very careful and mindful of this and realize that sometimes bad things in life just happen.
Want some resources and ways to improve intimacy in your marriage? Then check out the Ultimate Intimacy App! With over 400,000 couples taking their marriage to another level, and a 4.8 star rating. Just click on the picture below and download today for FREE.
