13 Jul

My wife and I have been married almost 19 years now and I never comprehended how important open communication was until about 14 years into our marriage. I use to think (as I believe many people do) that if something was uncomfortable to talk about, or I knew it was going to start an argument, it was just easier to ignore it and not discuss it and just hope it would go away as time passed. My attitude was, If we didn’t discuss it and ignored it, it wouldn’t be a problem or cause disruption in our marriage. Of course that is the worst thing I could have done and had the opposite effect. Again, I believe many people feel this way, the problem is things don’t just go away and over time more and more problems will be created in a relationship and damage between a husband and wife will just get worse over time.

When my wife and I started to communicate openly about our sex life, how we were feeling, problems we were facing and many other things, our sex and intimacy, friendship and relationship became AMAZING! Here are some of the reasons why you should strive to communicate openly in your marriage.

Open Communication Takes Away Assumptions and Guessing How Your Spouse Is Thinking or Feeling

Someone told me that the word ASSUME broken down means making an ASS of U and ME. I thought that was pretty funny but over time realized how true it is. What that means is when we ‘assume” something such as we know what our spouse is feeling or thinking, we are almost always going to be wrong which I have found out is absolutely the case. Communication removes any assumptions, or miscommunications. When you openly communicate with our spouse, there is no more guessing or miscommunication. How many problems could be eliminated and solved just by talking about things together? Without communication, couples may become upset with each other, not even knowing or understanding how or why it started in the first place. As we all perceive things differently from our own point of view (perception), it is vital to openly communicate with your spouse about what they are thinking or how they are feeling instead of assuming you know.

Helps Couples With Expectations

How many times have we heard “why do I need to tell you that, you should already know” and we expect that our spouse should know exactly what we are thinking or how we are feeling (even though we haven’t told them). I think this is very common and I am guilty of it, and my wife would admit she is as well. We set expectations for our spouse and expect that that should be able to read our minds and know, without communicating about it. When couples communicate openly they can state their expectations to each other very clearly so both spouses know exactly what is expected and acceptable or not acceptable. If something has been discussed and agreed upon, there is no misunderstanding. Sit down with each other and discuss your expectations with each other, and what is acceptable and not acceptable in your relationship.

Communication Allows Couples To Solve Problems Together and To Support Each Other

If a couple isn’t communicating openly about everything (good or bad) or discussing difficult things together because they want to avoid conflict, or whatever other reason, a spouse may try to face hard things on their own, or even make big decisions on their own which can cause deep betrayal and hurt to the other spouse which can often destroy the trust in a relationship. I know this from personal experience. I was working on a very big project that had taken many years. At first, my wife and I were totally on board together and talked about it openly, and made decisions together, but as time went on and things just kept going years and years, it put put a significant amount of stress on both of us and huge financial burden on my wife and family. The topic became something we started arguing about often and as I saw the stress it and I was putting on her and the contention is was starting to create in our relationship, I thought it would be better if I just stopped talking about it, so it wouldn’t cause arguments. So I did just that and started avoiding talking about it at all costs, thinking that would make things better. Not only did I stop talking about it, I started making BIG decisions on my own which negatively affected me and the family, which of course caused even more issues in our relationship. I thought if I didn’t talk about it, it wouldn’t start an argument and our relationship would get better, but it did the complete opposite. This experience caused significant damage to our relationship and my trust with her quickly diminished. I relate this experience to a fire. if it would have been openly discussed, any “fire” could have been put out before it ever became dangerous, but instead the fire got out of control and caused significant damage to MANY aspects of our relationship and almost burned it to the ground, which would have happened had we not had some amazing experiences happen in our life to help us learn how to openly communicate better. Looking back at everything, it all could have been avoided and resolved if we would have simply sat down and talked openly about it and made decisions together.

Life is so much easier and better when a couple is solving problems together and supporting each other. When we are single, we have to face our trials and difficulties alone with no one there to support us, but when we are married, we are able to face problems together and support each other which is an amazing thing!

Communication Helps Couples Love Grow Deeper

Think about “how” you fell in love with each other when you first met. If it was like me and my wife, I wanted to spend every moment with her talking about EVERYTHING and we did! Our dates would sometimes last until 5am in the morning as we would stay up all night talking, laughing and getting to know each other on a deep level. I learned so much about her as she did me and we could literally talk about anything. Through this, we fell deeply in love and formed a connection and bond that was amazing and something we thought could never be broken. As I am sure most of you have this same experience, what changed over time after getting married?

I remember seeing a stat that said on average, a couple spends less than 10 minutes a day in a deep meaningful discussion together. Whether this is true or not, I do think most couples would agree that they communicate significantly less than they use to and probably not as deep of level as it use to be. Open communication together will help your love grow deeper, but will also help your sex life.

Some thoughts to consider from a previous blog article “5 Ways to Get Your Wife To Want More Sex” found HERE, a good conversation to a woman is like sex to a man! A woman needs good conversation to connect with her husband. Just like in the bedroom, a woman needs time to get warmed up first, so good communication is like “emotional foreplay” which will often lead to sexual intimacy. Most men are ready to go at a moments notice, but most women need to connect emotionally first and as the average couple spends less than 10 minutes per day having meaningful conversation, this makes is almost impossible to connect emotionally together, let alone get to a physical connection together (unless your wife really has a high sex drive). Here are some things you can do:

  • Talk to your spouse throughout the day! This doesn’t mean that you have to have long conversations, just send her a text message to let her know you are thinking of her, or that you are excited to see her later when you get home. Let her know she is on your mind.
  • Talk to your spouse about their day when you get home from work. Be interested in her and her day, and most importantly listen to her and focus all your attention on her.
  • Communicate with your wife about how you feel and the things she needs from you. Open communication is key to connecting emotionally and physically with your spouse.

Listening Is One of The Best Ways to Communicate

When we think of communicating, we think of talking, and yes, talking is a huge part of communication, but unless we actively listen and understand what the other person is trying to communicate to us, and then acknowledge we understand what they are trying to communicate, it does no good. We need to give all of our attention to our spouse when they are communicating to us and listen to their needs and what they are saying. For a lot of couples, time spent communication is more about trying to convince the other how or why you feel a certain way, which is important, but when you are communicating with each other, allow one partner to talk without interrupting them and listen to what they are saying intently before it is your turn to talk. When your spouse see’s you truly care about and listening to what they are saying, they will want to communicate with you even more.

One of the best resources to help you better communicate in and out of the bedroom with your spouse is with the Ultimate Intimacy App! Download for free today!