Marriage is a beautiful journey, but like anything worthwhile, it takes A LOT of effort, introspection, and consistent care. One powerful way to deepen your connection is by conducting a Marriage Audit—a concept designed to uncover the honest truths about how your spouse really feels and what your marriage might need to grow stronger together.
A Marriage Audit isn’t your typical check-in. It’s about asking hard, intentional questions and inviting your spouse to be 100% honest. Are you ready to hear the unfiltered truth about your marriage? Let’s dive into the why, the how, and the transformative benefits of this practice.
The other night, we were out on a date and I asked Amy, on a scale from 1 -10 how good overall is our marriage, or how happy are you? I was expecting to hear a 9 or 10 because that is how I was feeling, so I was surprised when she said a 7! Now a 7 isn’t bad, but there is room for improvement.
This prompted a great conversation together, and after she explained why she felt like it was a 7, it made a lot of sense to me, and although it really didn’t have anything to do with me or our marriage, but more about things going on in life… that impacted our relationship.
This is when we decided it was really important to do a marriage audit and talk about how we both felt in regards to many aspects of our marriage, family and life.
You can also download the podcast titled: 339. The Marriage Audit: What Would Your Spouse Say If They Were 100% Honest?
What Is a Marriage Audit?
A Marriage Audit is a deep dive into the health of your relationship. It’s a focused conversation where both spouses take the time to reflect on what’s working, what isn’t, and what could improve.
Why It Matters
- Avoiding Assumptions: It’s easy to assume everything is fine. But unspoken frustrations or unmet needs can quietly erode intimacy over time.
- Strengthening the Connection: Honest communication rebuilds trust and reinforces emotional bonds.
- Proactive Growth: Addressing concerns before they grow into larger issues can save years of unnecessary conflict.
A Question to Ponder
When was the last time you asked your spouse how they really feel about your marriage? If it’s been a while—or never—it’s time to have this conversation.
How to Conduct a Marriage Audit
1. Set the Stage
Creating the right environment is crucial for success:
- Choose the Right Time: Find a relaxed, distraction-free moment.
- Agree on Ground Rules: This is a safe space for honesty without judgment or defensiveness.
2. Ask the Key Questions
Here are some powerful questions to guide your Marriage Audit:
- What do you wish I did more of?
- What makes you feel most loved by me?
- Do you feel seen and appreciated in our marriage?
- Are there any unmet needs you have that I’m unaware of?
- Is there something I do that unintentionally hurts you?
- What’s one thing we can work on together to strengthen our marriage?
Take turns answering these questions, and practice active listening—no interruptions, no rebuttals, just understanding.
After your spouse answers, repeat back what you heard to confirm understanding. For example, “So what I’m hearing is that you feel I don’t show enough appreciation for all you do at home. Is that right?”
Why Honest Feedback Is Hard (But Essential)
The Challenges
- Fear of Conflict: Many couples avoid these conversations out of fear they’ll lead to arguments.
- Vulnerability: It’s hard to hear that you may not be meeting your spouse’s needs.
The Benefits
- Breakthroughs in Intimacy: Honest feedback fosters deeper understanding and connection.
- Shared Goals: When both spouses know what’s important to each other, they can work as a team.
Challenge for You
Ask your spouse today: What’s one thing I can do to make you feel more loved?
Real-Life Examples of Marriage Audits in Action
Example 1: Feeling Unseen
A wife discovered during their Marriage Audit that her husband felt unappreciated in his role as a provider. While she valued his hard work, she rarely expressed it. After hearing this, she made an effort to thank him weekly for specific things he did to support their family. This small change made him feel recognized and valued.
Example 2: Managing the Mental Load
A husband learned that his wife was overwhelmed by the mental load of managing household tasks. They implemented a shared chore system where they divided responsibilities, easing her stress and creating more time for connection.
Example 3: Lost Fun in Marriage
A couple realized they hadn’t prioritized fun together in years. They decided to schedule monthly “adventure dates,” like hiking or taking a cooking class. This rekindled their excitement and strengthened their bond.
Managing Emotional Reactions
It’s natural to feel defensive or hurt when receiving feedback, but handling these emotions effectively is key.
Tips for Managing Reactions
- Avoid Defensiveness: Remember, feedback isn’t an attack; it’s an opportunity to grow.
- Practice Empathy: Try to understand your spouse’s perspective, even if it’s hard to hear.
- Take a Pause if Needed: If emotions run high, agree to revisit the conversation after cooling off.
- Follow Up Regularly: Make it a habit to check in on how your changes are impacting the relationship.
Turning Feedback into Action
Feedback is only valuable if it leads to positive change. Here’s how to turn insights from your Marriage Audit into actionable steps:
1. Identify Key Areas for Improvement
- Example: If your spouse says they feel unseen, commit to expressing gratitude daily.
2. Create a Plan Together
- Discuss practical ways to address the feedback. For instance, if the issue is communication, agree to have nightly check-ins.
3. Celebrate Small Wins
- Progress, no matter how small, deserves acknowledgment. Celebrate the steps you’re taking together.
Example Action Plan
If your spouse shares that they feel distant, you might commit to:
- Scheduling a weekly date night.
- Sending a thoughtful text during the day.
- Spending 15 minutes each evening reconnecting without distractions.
10 Quick Audit Questions to Strengthen Your Marriage
Here are some additional questions to keep the conversation flowing:
- What’s one thing I did this week that made you feel loved?
- Is there anything I do that makes you feel unimportant?
- How can I better support you in your daily life?
- What’s a memory from our marriage that still makes you smile?
- Is there a habit I have that bothers you?
- Do you feel like we’re on the same page about our future?
- What’s one way we can bring more fun into our marriage?
- Is there something you wish we did more often together?
- How do you feel about our communication lately?
- What’s one thing I can pray for you about this week?
Download the marriage audit PDF for FREE! Just click on the image or DOWNLOAD button below!
Final Thoughts: The Gift of a Marriage Audit
A Marriage Audit isn’t about pointing fingers or dwelling on flaws. It’s about creating a safe space for growth, honesty, and connection. It’s a chance to remind your spouse—and yourself—that your marriage is worth investing in.
This Week’s Challenge
Schedule your own Marriage Audit with your spouse. Be open, be vulnerable, and be willing to listen. You might be surprised by what you learn—and how much closer it brings you.
Your marriage deserves this intentional effort. After all, the goal isn’t perfection; it’s progress.
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