Have you checked in with your spouse about the physical intimacy in your marriage recently?
If your like us as a couple, you talk about intimacy often. Every aspect of it. But most couples do not. Physical and Sexual intimacy can be a hard topic for some. We have come up with a list of questions for you to sit down and discuss with you spouse. These questions will bring up other topics on their own, and will help you to open up about things that might be in the way of you having amazing intimacy.
Remember to be open, honest and also very patient with your spouses answers.
This is a time to be vulnerable, yet direct so you can fix the pieces of intimacy that are not working for you, and expressing your gratefulness for the ones that are.
Checking up with your spouse and having that hard conversation with your spouse periodically to kind of see where you’re at in your physical intimacy is so important. We all know that sex and intimacy and finances are the main cause for divorce. Those are probably the main two subjects, sex and intimacy, that I would say couples probably are least likely to talk about, yet they are the main cause for divorce.
It is so important to have a check up in that topic of sex and intimacy in your marriage. It can be an awkward discussion and sometimes hard to do at first. We’re going to dive into that and talk about ways to make it easier. But why is it that it’s such a hard topic for some couples to discuss?
Sometimes these conversations can actually bring up a lot of anxiety which when people get anxious about any kind of conversation, they just avoid it altogether. So these are the kind of discussions where the more often you talk about your intimate life together and bring up hard things, the easier it gets to be honest and vulnerable about the topic.
So why have a sex talk?
Why or when in a marriage is a discussion about intimacy needed? All the time!
Just like anything else, just laying things out there and saying, “how are we doing in this area? Is our sex life where we want it to be? Or are their areas that we can improve? Are there things that maybe you’re comfortable with are not comfortable with?
Instead of just assuming, just really laying things out, putting a game plan together on how to improve that, because sex is one of the biggest reasons people get divorced. If if the sex life isn’t good, they don’t feel the connection and enjoying each other. It’s gonna hurt your marriage overall.
Research actually has shown that if you have this communication and you talk about these hard topics a lot more often, you actually have greater feelings of intimacy, which is going to fall on create a stronger relationship.
A couple of reasons to have this physical intimacy talk or sexual intimacy talk with your partner, your spouse would include:
- lack of sexual satisfaction: maybe you’re wanting to try something new in the bedroom
- change in libido: your sexual intimacy in your marriage is always changing
- lack of emotional intimacy and connection: maybe in your marriage or lack of physical touch, even the need for more affection
- feelings of sexual rejection: maybe it’s feeling like you always have to initiate sex
- one spouse has a lower sex drive
Make sure that you don’t blame your spouse and point fingers when you have the intimacy check up discussion. Begin with a goal that you just want to feel closer, that you want to feel more connected and that’s why you want to discuss this topic. Make the issue the problem to resolve not each other.
If you want to improve your love making, start with these questions:
- Do I openly and effectively communicate to you that I still love you, and that I want to be intimate with you? If not, what can I do better?
- How can I do better at setting the anticipation of lovemaking during the day so that it is more exciting at night?
- What specific ways would you like me to initiate sex? Words, texts, actions, love notes?
- How could we improve foreplay in our marriage? What turns you on before sex and want do you not like?
- Is there any aspect of our physical intimacy that you’re upset about that we need to fix? Be specific and talk about what I can do to help move on from it.
- What positions would you like to try that we have not?
- What positions do you hate that we do?
- How comfortable are you with the frequency of our lovemaking? Do you feel our marriage could use more or less physical intimacy?
- How important is it to you that we both orgasm during sex?
- How important is cuddling to you after we make love? How could we improve on the romantic connection after we are done?
- On a scale from 1-10, how satisfied are you with our sexual life? What area do you feel we need to improve?
- Do you honestly feel that we connect spiritually when we make love? Could we do something to connect deeper spiritually?
Going back over these questions.
#1. Do I openly and effectively communicate with you that I still love you and that I want to be intimate with you and if not, what, what can I do better? I think that’s just a simple question, just again reinforcing that you still love each other and you want to be intimate with each other. The second part of that, do I effectively communicate that I want to be intimate with you? Ask your spouse, just ask them and what can you do better? In what ways can you show your spouse that you want to be in an intimate, or what ways do you wish your spouse showed you?
#2. How can I do better at setting the anticipation of lovemaking during the day so that it’s more exciting at night? Maybe you can talk about those little things that can be done during the day. Sending a little sexy text in the morning, or leaving a little love note during the day or just saying, “hey, will you make mad passionate love to me tonight?” And just that question, puts you in a mindset and you might be a little more flirty during the day.
Maybe you need to schedule sex in your marriage. If your busy then make a goal to get it on the calendar! Scheduling sex gets you in the right mind frame to know your going to be intimate tonight. What can we do to prepare for that?
#3. What specific ways would you like me to initiate? a sweet passionate text? love note? verbal sexy words? This is a great and very important question for your marriage. Give direct answers so your spouse knows exactly what you want and vice versa.
#4. How could we improve foreplay in our marriage? What turns you on before sex and want do you not like? pretty straightforward question. Everyone’s probably sick of hearing about naked movie nights 😉 Amazing. There’s something about a long foreplay that can get you in the mood, just cuddling up naked and watching a movie.. you wont make it half way through the movie. Maybe you don’t know exactly what you like or your spouse likes exactly. The app can really help with this one. Get on the foreplay section of the game, you’re going to find out really quick.
#5. Is there any aspect of our physical intimacy that you’re upset about that we need to fix and move on from? Be specific and talk about what you guys can do to help move on from it. This might bring up some issues, but I’m not against bring up issues in marriage because if you don’t bring up hard stuff, you don’t ever get over it. You have to suck it up when you have hard feelings and talk about them. This is the kind of conversation you’re not doing this right before you’re going to be intimate or right after.
#6. What positions would you like to try that not tried yet? Go to the ultimate intimacy app in the position section if you want help with this question 🙂 The thing that’s great about the positions as they also tell you what the best stimulation is for that position. So for women, it’s more of the clitoris and it’ll give you positions that stimulate that area. If your wife is pregnant, there are positions there that could be the best positions for when pregnant. The positions are are awesome to be able to go in and also be able to figure out what what position might help my wife a little bit better get stimulated and things like that.
#7. What positions do you hate that we do? It’s important to talk about what you like and what you hate as a couple because if if you don’t express that to your spouse and then they’re always wanting to do that position and it’s something you really hate, you’re going to start to look not look forward to sex. You might starting feeling like “I don’t know how to tell him/her that I hate that position and that it just doesn’t do anything for me” and the other spouse might have no idea. The reason for these conversations about the marriage bed is to make sure that you’re both being satisfied so that you both crave it and want to be intimate with each other more often.
#8. How comfortable are you with the frequency of our lovemaking? Do you feel our marriage could use more or less physical intimacy? This question right here is what almost every couple would benefit from having. This question needs to be discussed because there’s very few couples out there that probably would both say, yes, we’re both at the same level.
You can create a win win situation where you’re both happy and finding a way to kind of meet in that middle. Having those discussions that you’re both benefiting from the physical intimacy and it’s not always about sex either, can help you really connect.
#9. How important is it that we both orgasm during sex? That’s just a straightforward question you need to have with your spouse. There ways for you to both orgasm. Sometimes I think as a man, if we finish before the woman does, we think were done. There’s a lot of different things you can do to continue to please your wife and take care of your wife or vice versa.
#10. How important is cuddling to you after we make love? How could we improve on the romantic connection after we are done? Find out how you both feel about connecting after you’ve made love. Super important.
#11. On a scale from 1 to 10, How satisfied are you with our sexual life and what areas do you feel we need to improve? It’s important to discuss different things in your sex life and how you can be more satisfied and how things can improve. And sex is like anything else, the more your practice, the better you get. When your practicing and learning each other’s bodies and different things like that, the more amazing sex becomes. That question is kind of straightforward, you might think that’s really going to offend my partner if I say five or six… but the entire reason for these questions is first you have to be vulnerable, you have to be in a good place in your marriage to be able to come out and ask these things.
Talking about how you really feel, being able to respect each other’s answers is important. If you really want your spouse to be honest, you have to be able to take it, and you have to be able to move forward from it well.
#12. Do you honestly feel that we connect spiritually when we make love? Could we do something to connect deeper spiritually? God made us to truly want to be intimate and connect with each other. He commanded us to become One. That can happen through intimacy.
We did the podcast on what husband’s wish their wives knew about sex and most men we polled said that they really want their spouse to enjoy sex it as much as they do. It’s not it’s just not just about their needs being fulfilled. They really want that deep connection and romance. Really do look for ways to connect with each other more spiritually as well.
It is important to have these discussions in your marriage even if they can be hard. We all want to have an amazing sexual experience which creates better emotional intimacy, and spiritual intimacy! Having these hard conversations will not only open you up to other conversations that help you to be vulnerable but you will find that your marriage bed will become a place of great love, excitement and passion!
Download the FREE download Ultimate Intimacy App to strengthen your marriage today! The free app includes tons of conversation starters to get you talking, communicating in and out of the bedroom, and get your connection deeper than ever! The app includes:
Our new intimacy card decks can also help with connection and passion in your marriage! Check them out on the website or ultimate intimacy app. ultimateintimacy.com