Check out the podcast episode HERE
There are many reasons why a spouse does not want to have sex, it could be fear of intimacy, sexual dysfunctions, low libido and many others things. There is always a “cause” and “effect” including why a spouse would not want to have sex. Instead of 1) identifying the problem and 2) addressing it, many spouses just assume the other does not want sex so they do not address it and figure they will just have a sexless (or close to) marriage. In many cases, the spouse that does not want sex actually does want sex, but something is holding them back or causing the issue. If the issue can be identified and then discussed (and in some cases getting help as needed), there is most likely a solution to help the couple get back on track and find “ultimate intimacy” in their marriage. When a couple stops having sexually intimacy frequently and connecting that way, it continues to get worse over time as sexual frequency declines and lets face it, it is extremely difficult, if not impossible to have an amazing marriage if there is no physical intimacy.
Sexual intimacy is a way for a couple to connect and draw closer to each other.
Let’s cover some of the reasons why someone may not want to have sex:
Fear of Intimacy
Fear of sexual intimacy happens more often than you would think and it happens for both men and women. It could be caused by a past experience, not performing to the level you think your spouse expects, maybe sex is painful, a spouse is not comfortable with what they are doing or asked to do, or many other reasons that could cause fear.
Solution: Talk about it with your spouse and be very open and let them know you want to help. Help take the pressure off of them, or reduce the fear (whatever it may be). The situation can become more comfortable and the sex and intimacy will become much more enjoyable if you are working together as a team. Also, just like anything else, the more you do something the more comfortable it will become so start off slow but try to increase the intimate experiences. Make the connection the priority and not the orgasm, or the result. This will allow things to become more comfortable again.
Sexual Dysfunctions
A sexual dysfunction does not only happen to a man, although they do have a body part that has to work to have intimacy, but many women have sexual dysfunctions as well. The person with the sexual dysfunction will avoid having sex with their spouse. For a man, rather than face another sexual experience as what they perceive as “a failure”, or letting down their spouse, men just choose to avoid being sexual at all. For women, a sexual dysfunction will cause them to think they are broken as well and not able to enjoy sex with their spouse.
Solution: Talk to a doctor as there are many medications and things that can help with sexual dysfunctions and performance. Also talk openly with each other as a couple and realize you dont have to have intercourse to be sexually intimate. There are many things a couple can do together to stimulate and please each other. Try different things and make the focus about connecting and pleasing the other partner, not the intercourse.
Stress
Stress is interesting because it can cause some people to want to be more sexual so they can take their mind off things, and cause others to not want sex at all because they cant take their mind off things. It affects everyone differently. It could be work related, health, family issues, financial issues, kids or many other things going on in life. If a spouses mind is focused on other things, it may be very difficult for them to get in the mood to be sexually intimate.
Solution: Try helping your spouse take their mind off of things. If you are sitting back giving them space and time to focus all of their attention on the stresses, that is what they are going to dwell upon. Talk with them, create a romantic atmosphere and do things to keep their mind on “you” and less on the stress.
Masturbation or pornography issues that take the place of their spouse
When a husband or wife is taking care of themselves and getting fulfilled in other ways whether through pornography, masturbation etc they are not going to have the desire to be intimate with their spouse.
Solution: Get the help you need.
Self Confidence Issues
If a husband or wife is not feeling confident in themselves, or is uncertain about their role in life, who they are or many other things, this can certainly cause issues in their desire for sexual intimacy. A husband or wife with self confidence issues will have a very hard time accepting that their spouse loves them the way they are and wants to be intimate with them. Depression is a huge cause in people that have a lack of sexual desire.
Solution: Talk to an expert and get the help that is needed.
Drugs, Alcohol and Medications
We all know the various ways that drugs, alcohol or medications can alter our mind and behavior. Drugs and alcohol are depressants, they interfere with the nervous system which can make it much harder to achieve arousal and orgasm. These also effect blood flow which obviously goes hand in hand with sexual performance, especially for a man.
Hormone Levels and Low Libido
The most important physiological stimulant of sexual desire is testosterone (for a man). If this is out of balance, a man is not going to have the desire for sex. For a women hormone changes can happen for various reasons through different stages of life as well. While there are countless things that can cause low libido, and hormone levels to change, if you do not have any desire for sex at all, you should seek help.
Solution: Talk to a Doctor
Unresolved Conflict Between a Husband and Wife
When there is unresolved conflict, or bad feelings by one of the spouses towards the other, many times a spouse will avoid sex and some will even use it as a weapon and withhold sex to punish their spouse. If this happens, it can turn into a long term problem with a lot of resentment which can cause both spouses to not want to be intimate, and over time the couple with grow apart if the conflict is not resolved. How often do we hear of couples who get divorced over something that starts out so small, like a spark, but continues to fester and turns into a full blown wildfire that grows bigger and bigger until it has destroyed everything.
Solution: Communicate and be open with your spouse. Talk about your conflicts and get them resolved quickly. Don’t let little things or conflicts ruin your relationship. In the book, The Argument Hangover (found HERE), the Freeman’s talk about how important it is to communicate and connect as quickly as possible after an argument so it doesn’t get out of control.
Unfulfilling Sex
Some men and women turn away from sex if it is not fulfilling to them, or to their spouse. Imagine if you were a woman and had never had had an orgasm. Would sex be enjoyable? Or if you are the husband and felt like you had never been able to please your wife. A partner could feel like they are being criticized, or treated unfairly, feel like sex is too much work and not worth it, or one of the partners have sexual interest that the other does not. For many reasons, the spouse is not sexually fulfilled one way or another.
Solution: Have a very open discussion with our spouse and find out why they are not being fulfilled. Yes, this will be a hard discussion to have, but if you know “why” they are feeling a certain way and how to fix it, it will change your life! You can find ways to sexually fulfill them more which every spouse wants to do for their spouse.
Too Many Distractions
Now days, A LOT of people fall under this category. How hard is it to sit on the couch and watch a movie, or go to dinner without looking at your phone every few minutes? Most people cant do it. On average, couples have less than 10 minutes a day having meaningful conversations, so there is little or no time to connect even emotionally for most couples, and if you cant connect emotionally, how are you going to connect physically/sexually? People are too distracted with tv, social media, phones, activities and many other things that keep them too occupied to even think of having sex with their spouse. With all the distractions out there, no wonder couples are having a lot less sex now days.
Solution: Simple, put your phones away and find time to connect with your spouse!
Check out the Ultimate Intimacy App for great articles, games, positions, and ways to connect emotionally and sexually! Download on the app stores or check out ultimateintimacy.com
