We are not therapists and are only offering our insight as a couple that has been married for 23 years and we have seen some problematic things with therapists over the years. We are helping you try to make the best decision for your marriage because your marriage is the most important thing in the world, so be very careful about whose hands you are putting it in.
Also consider trying some things outside of therapy first. We have helped almost 1M people enhance their relationship. The Ultimate Intimacy App has a 4.8/5 star rating with thousands of ratings and reviews! Download for free and give it a try and see how it can help transform your relationship. It is a lot less than a therapist :).
Marriage therapy can be a game-changer for some couples, offering valuable insights and strategies for improving communication and emotional intimacy. But before you rush to schedule an appointment, it’s important to carefully consider whether therapy is the right approach for your situation.
While we are by no means against marriage therapists, we’ve observed a troubling trend where, for some couples, therapy can actually make things worse rather than better. In this post, we’ll explore some important factors to consider before deciding to go to a marriage therapist, and how to ensure you’re making the right choice for your relationship.
Have They Experienced the Issues You Are Dealing With?
One of the most important questions to ask yourself is: Has the therapist you’re considering experienced the issues you’re dealing with? This is not about invalidating a therapist’s credentials or expertise, but more about the practical application of their knowledge. After all, how can someone truly help you work through your issues if they haven’t experienced similar struggles themselves?
Therapists bring valuable training and expertise to the table, but real-life experience can sometimes be more powerful when it comes to understanding complex relationship dynamics. For example, if a therapist has never been married or hasn’t dealt with issues like infidelity or the challenges of raising children together, they might lack the nuanced understanding of your situation that someone who has lived through it would have.
A therapist who can relate to the struggles you’re facing on a personal level may be able to offer deeper insights and more empathy, making them more effective in helping you work through the issues in your marriage.
No Amount of Schooling Can Replace Real-Life Experience
While therapy can be invaluable for gaining a better understanding of yourself and your spouse, it’s important to remember that no amount of schooling or academic qualifications can replace the real-life experiences that shape our ability to navigate relationships.
A therapist can hold multiple degrees and certifications, but unless they’ve faced the same types of struggles you’re going through, they might not have the emotional intelligence to offer the level of guidance you truly need.
Take, for instance, the difference between book knowledge and lived experience in understanding emotional intimacy, communication breakdowns, or marital conflict. Therapists with experience in these areas will be able to offer advice based on practical, real-world solutions rather than theoretical frameworks. This difference can make a significant impact on the effectiveness of your therapy sessions.
Do They Have Your Best Interests at Heart?
Another crucial thing to consider is whether the therapist has your best interests in mind—or whether they might be more focused on maintaining a steady stream of income by keeping you coming back. Therapists are human, just like the rest of us, and unfortunately, not every therapist operates with the same level of ethical integrity or commitment to your well-being.
You must ask yourself: Are they truly invested in helping you improve your marriage, or are they just interested in the business of therapy? Therapy, when done right, should help you solve the issues at hand and improve your marriage, not keep you in a perpetual cycle of counseling.
If you feel like you’re simply being asked to return for the next session without making any real progress, it might be time to reassess whether the therapist is genuinely working for your benefit.
We have seen couples go to therapy regularly for 6+ years and they just seem to get worse, not better. Does that make any sense?
Do They Share Your Same Values and Goals?
It’s important to choose a marriage therapist whose values align with your own. Every couple has different needs and priorities, and finding a therapist who understands and respects your values can make all the difference in your therapy experience.
For example, if you are a Christian couple, you may prefer a therapist who shares your faith and worldview, as this can influence how they approach issues like forgiveness, communication, and conflict resolution.
Similarly, if you have specific goals for your relationship—whether it’s to restore emotional intimacy, address sexual dissatisfaction, or strengthen communication—it’s important that the therapist is on board with these goals and is equipped to help you achieve them.
Before committing to a therapist, ask yourself: Do they understand and respect the values and goals that are important to me and my spouse? If their approach feels misaligned with your relationship, it could create more tension and confusion than resolution.
Is Their Goal to Keep You Sick or Help You Get Better?
This is a tough one, but it’s an important question to ask. Many people don’t realize that therapists, like all service providers, rely on clients coming back in order to stay in business. While most therapists genuinely want to help people and improve their marriages, there can be instances where the focus shifts from healing the couple to maintaining a long-term relationship with them as a client.
Does your therapist want to see your marriage succeed, or are they invested in making sure you keep coming back for ongoing therapy sessions? The reality is that no marriage therapist can guarantee long-term change if they are not genuinely invested in seeing improvement in your relationship. A therapist whose goal is to get you back to a place of health will work with you to develop concrete solutions and encourage progress.
A therapist who truly wants to help your marriage flourish will offer actionable advice, practical tools, and coping strategies that will help you regain the intimacy and connection that you desire. On the other hand, a therapist whose only focus is long-term treatment may keep you coming back without addressing the core issues at hand.
The Statistics: Do Marriage Therapists Actually Help?
Statistics on marriage therapy are somewhat mixed. According to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), studies show that about 70-80% of couples report significant improvement in their relationships after marriage therapy. However, these results can vary based on the specific therapist, the type of therapy used, and the couple’s commitment to working through the issues.
It’s important to note that while marriage therapy can be effective for many couples, it’s not always a “quick fix.” Therapy can take time, and some couples may find that after weeks or months of counseling, they don’t feel any closer to solving their problems.
In fact, some couples report feeling worse after therapy, especially when there is no clear strategy or resolution put in place. This is why it’s crucial to have a clear understanding of what you hope to achieve from therapy before you start, and to regularly assess your progress with your therapist.
Are You Going to a Therapist to Feed Your Ego?
This is an important consideration that many couples overlook when deciding whether or not to seek therapy. It’s natural to want validation, especially when you’re struggling in your marriage. But before you sit down with a therapist, it’s essential to ask yourself: Are you truly open to the therapist’s feedback, or are you simply looking for someone to talk highly of you and reaffirm that you’re in the right?
In some cases, individuals enter therapy with the intention of hearing a professional tell them that they’re not the problem—that the issues in their marriage are entirely the fault of their spouse. This kind of mentality can be harmful to both the individual and the relationship as a whole. If you’re going to therapy primarily to hear that you’re right or to have your ego stroked, you may be closing yourself off to the very help you need.
Therapy isn’t about proving who’s right or wrong—it’s about finding ways to improve the relationship and address the challenges that both partners face. If you’re not truly open to hearing constructive criticism or insights that may make you uncomfortable, therapy might not yield the positive results you’re hoping for.
This can also be tied to a sense of self-righteousness that can creep in when one partner feels that they are “doing everything right” and that the other partner is the one causing the problems. A good therapist will challenge both partners to take ownership of their role in the relationship dynamic. However, if one partner is more interested in speaking about their own grievances than listening and growing, therapy may not be productive.
It’s essential to approach therapy with humility—willingness to listen, accept responsibility for your actions, and actively work toward growth. If you’re seeking therapy solely to hear that you are right or to bolster your own ego, you may find that the process leads to more frustration and resentment rather than resolution.
If, on the other hand, you’re truly looking for solutions, understanding, and mutual healing, therapy can be an incredible tool to help you get there. But only if you’re ready to face uncomfortable truths, engage in self-reflection, and work as a team to improve the relationship.
Conclusion: Is Marriage Therapy the Right Solution?
We’re not suggesting that marriage therapy isn’t valuable—far from it! Therapy can be incredibly beneficial when the right therapist is involved and both partners are committed to the process. However, it’s crucial to approach marriage therapy with a healthy level of discernment. Ask yourself the tough questions outlined above before deciding to move forward with therapy.
Ultimately, the most successful couples are those who actively engage in improving their relationship, regardless of whether they seek therapy. If you do decide to pursue therapy, ensure that your therapist has your best interests at heart, shares your values, and is committed to helping you achieve lasting results.
Taking accountability for your own role in the relationship and engaging in meaningful conversations can often be just as powerful as seeking outside help.
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