01 Aug

Listen to the podcast episode Things You Should Never Say To Your Spouse When Fighting

We have all been in heated argument’s or fights with our spouse and it is so easy to let our emotions get in the way and say things that are hurtful or damaging. It is so important to to refrain from saying things that could damage the relationship permanently. What we say (or do) can never be taken back once it is said no matter how sorry we feel or how much we want it forgotten. It is like a social media post. Once it’s said, it’s out there FOREVER and can never be “deleted” so we need to be very careful about what we say in a heated argument. Here are things you should NEVER say to your spouse while fighting:

Never Say The Word “Divorce”

By saying the word divorce in an argument, you are always keeping a “way out” which sends a message to your spouse that your marriage is not safe and secure, or that you are not in it for the long haul. I remember when we were going through some hard times, we had an argument at one of our family reunions and one of us (I don’t remember the details) stated that maybe we should just get a divorce (or end the marriage). I remember how physically sick I felt and we agreed we would not use that word in our marriage again. We did not get divorced of course, and did get through the difficult times but we remember how bad we both felt and determined we would not use that word again or even leave that as an option as we were devoted to each other and our marriage long term.

Start Off A Sentence With “You Always.. or You Never

Starting off a sentence with “you always or you never” immediately puts all the blame on your spouse and takes any responsibility off of yourself. We talk about this often but as a marriage, you are a team and should be working together to get through any issues, or resolve any problems. You should make decisions together, resolve problems together and work together as a team in everything you do for your marriage. If we are constantly pointing the finger at, and blaming our spouse for things, they are going to build resentment towards us which will only further divide your marriage. Instead of saying “you always or you never,” try starting off a sentence with “I feel” or expressing why you feel the way you do and understanding where they are coming from.

Talk About How Your Spouse or Marriage Compares To Others

NEVER compare your marriage or your spouse to other’s. Everyone’s upbringing, circumstances, situations and live’s are different than yours. We live in a time with social media where we are constantly seeing our friends, neighbors and people we follow going on vacations, getting toys, a new house, or they look like the have the perfect marriage and family and are always happy. This is a mirage and you are only seeing what they want you to see! They aren’t showing the debt they are in to pay for those things, the health issues, or issues with their kids etc. The only way you and your spouse are going to find peace and happiness in your marriage and in your life is to focus on YOU, and stop comparing your marriage and life to others. When you compare your marriage and spouse to others, you are basically saying you wish you had that person, or that lifestyle, or those things instead of what you do have. If your spouse always is thinking they are not good enough or can’t live up to your expectations, you will NEVER find happiness in your marriage. Be grateful for what you do have and for each other because the grass is usually not greener on the other side.

Ignore Each Other

We talk about communication all the time. I am sure everyone is sick of hearing it, but it is vital to a healthy and happy marriage and almost every issue can be resolved with good communication. We understand that in a heated argument, sometimes it is easiest just to walk away and not want to discuss things… we get it. But if you have a good relationship, respect each other and have good boundaries, rules and understandings of “how” you fight, then communication becomes even more key. So many times arguments happen do to misunderstandings or assumptions which can only be resolved by talking. If couples ignore each other, they are sending a message that they don’t want to hear their spouse or their concerns, and that is it is not important to them. This will cause a huge wedge and divide in your marriage. We have seen some couples go a long period of time without talking to each other.

Insult your spouse

Insulting is a form of abuse. As we talked about above, there are some things you can NEVER take back. Insulting your spouse in anyway, or putting them down will cause permanent damage to your marriage, and depending on how severe, your marriage may never be the same afterwards.

Tell your spouse to shut up

Never tell your spouse to shut up. This will make them feel like you don’t care about what they think or how they feel, or that their feelings and thoughts are not important. This will shut down communication and your spouse will be less likely to want to open up to you in the future. You always want to have open communication so never shut it down by telling your spouse to “shut up.” Instead of telling them to shut up, come to an agreement on who will be talking (without being interrupted) so you both can talk and listen to each other.

“It’s your fault,” – Blame your spouse

Telling your spouse it is their fault does nothing. It is just pointing the finger and putting the blame on them. Regardless of who’s fault something is, as we mentioned above, you are a team and should resolve problems and conflict together. It is very easy to try to put the blame on others but at the end of the day, does it really matter who’s fault something is? Work together to resolve the issues.

*** If you have said some things to your spouse you regret in the heated moment, here are some things you can do.

Admit you made a mistake and admit your faults

It is so hard for us to admit our mistakes and faults, or to even say we are sorry but at the end of the day, nothing is more important than your marriage and your relationship with your spouse. Admitting you were wrong or made a mistake is a way to be vulnerable and doing this will strengthen your relationship with your spouse.

Apologize

Drop your ego and apologize for the things you have said or done. It needs to be a sincere apology. If it is not sincere, then it is not an apology.

Accept that the relationship may be permanently changed (You can’t take things back)

Sometimes we can do or say things that once done or said, can never be taken back. As I have shared with people that I pursued a business for a long time that put our family in a very bad financial position to where we almost lost everything we had, including our marriage. The decisions I made and things I did have caused permanent damage in my marriage that I can never take back or correct, and I know our relationship will never be the same.

As much as I wish I could go back in time and do things differently, I caused so much damage that it is not realistic for me to expect that things can go back to the way they were. Having said that, our marriage is in a good place and we have a great relationship, but it is different now because of the things I did. Although it was not because of things that I said, but because of things that I did. It is the same concept and the point I am trying to make is the things you say (or do) can have permanent consequences that can cause the relationship to be changed forever, and you have to accept that.

NEVER do it again

The most important part is if you have done or said something, the only way to reduce the long term damage and to try to gain back the trust or respect is to prove yourself by never doing it again.

Ultimate Intimacy Blog


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