As a woman, one of the most difficult things to achieve in marriage is a balance between your needs and your family’s needs. In traditional cultures, women are expected to be the main caretakers of their children and housekeeping chores, regardless of whether we have jobs outside our homes. So what do we do when we have goals and aspirations that will require those expectations to be shifted? How do we achieve a balance between pursuing our goals and being a good wife and mom?
When my husband and I started dating, I was on my way to medical school. I decided to take a gap year to work for a while and see if medical school was really what I wanted to do. The closer we became, though, the more I started to question if a medical career would give me the flexibility I wanted in order to be fully present with my husband and our future kids. In the end, I decided to pivot and went into education instead.
But if you’ve read my recent post encouraging moms to pursue their dreams, and my other one on losing yourself, I still have other aspirations. Those aspirations require time away from my kids (insert mommy guilt here). On top of that, my husband has goals and dreams too. As his life partner, I want to stand by his side and support his endeavors. Is it possible to create a win-win situation for a family like ours?
I believe that it is. The only issue here is the word “balance.” A few weeks ago I watched the Pretty Big Deal podcast with Ashley Graham. She interviewed Scooter Braun, an entrepreneur and entertainment executive who is on TIME 100’s list of most influential people in the world. When asked about balancing his ambitions with his family, he said the key is to stop attempting balance. Instead, he suggested focusing on harmony between your roles. See also Why Moms Should Still Pursue Their Dreams
You see, balance means that as women, we will spend equal amounts of time with our families, jobs, self-care, and whatever other pursuits we desire. But that’s not realistic. Here are some keys to harmonizing your roles as a woman:
Pratical tips for harmonizing your goals and family life
1. Adjust your expectations.
I’m a second-generation Haitian. My parents worked full-time jobs, then came home and helped us with homework. My mom cooked and cleaned religiously. I wanted to do the same. But the reality is that I cannot do all that and stay sane. I need time to exercise, pray, and nurture friendships with other women. My mom didn’t have much time for those things, but they’re important to me. So I have to be okay with the fact that my everyday life and my role as a woman in my home doesn’t look exactly the way hers did.
2. Communicate with your husband/partner about his expectations.
Depending on his background and upbringing, he may expect you to be the one in charge of childcare and housekeeping too. So asking him to step in while you go back to school or start a business may throw him for a loop and make him resistant to your plans. That’s understandable, but marriage is a partnership. Help him understand why your goals are so important to you. See also 3 Reasons Why Your Marriage Won’t Last (Unless You Do This)
3. Come up with a plan for your family.
Once you and your husband are on the same page about your goals, create a weekly schedule that works for both of you. Who will cook and clean? Who will stay with the kids while you’re gone? Don’t hesitate to delegate lesser responsibilities.
For example, you may want to hire someone to do your laundry or clean your house a couple of days out of the week. Go over the kids’ routine with your husband so that he knows what to do when you’re not home. Raising your children should be a team effort anyway.
4. Adjust when necessary.
Harmony isn’t achieved overnight. You won’t get it perfect every time. Some weeks you may feel that you need to spend more time with your kids or have a date night with your husband. Maybe you’ll need to schedule a self-care day for yourself. Make whatever adjustments you feel are necessary for you and your family.
5. A win for you is a win for your whole family.
Whatever allows you to fulfill your God-given purpose will make you a joyful and happy person. This will allow you to be even more amazing in your roles as a wife and mom. So don’t be afraid to pursue what God has placed in your heart.
As women, we feel that our duty is to nurture the people in our lives. But we can still achieve harmony between our roles in and out of the home. Don’t let societal expectations or a narrow mindset limit what you can do. Your family doesn’t have to operate identically to anyone else’s. Work with your husband to forge a path that is unique to your family’s needs. You will all be happier and whole as a result of it.
This article was reposted and used with permission from Evolving Wife
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