It is so easy to get distracted when you are being intimate. Things that can distract you can range from the temperature being too hot or too cold, or maybe the thought that the kids coming down the stairs is taking over your mind. Maybe you are thinking about your phone that just pinged, or a sound you heard outside the bedroom. It could be that your day was so busy and that you can’t get the list of things you still need to do, off of your mind. These thoughts can really take away from intimacy and connection with your spouse.
Why is it so hard to be able to focus and get in the right mind frame to have good sex and intimacy in marriage?
It is way too easy to fill our plates, we have so much going on now days as adults. We fill our schedules with unlimited tasks and we forget that our number one priority should be our spouse, and that connection with our spouse. Getting in the right mindset for sex, and making sure that we focus can be one of the most important things you can do for your marriage.
We need to start looking at intimacy as a connection. Physical intimacy always follows emotional intimacy. When we have so many things keeping us so busy that our brain can’t focus on intimacy, it makes it really easy to have a lot of excuses of why were maybe not showing up for our spouses or why maybe our spouses aren’t showing up for us, whether it’s technology, over-scheduling our kids, or over scheduling other things in our daily lives. The adversary is doing a great job of getting us so distracted and busy that we forget the most important person, our spouse. Sometimes we are all guilty of spending hours on our phone a day, but when it comes to night, we come up with excuses that we are too tired to talk or touch each other.
Why is it so important to be mentally prepared before and during sex?
We know that the best sex is quality sex, not quantity sex. When you have a quality enjoyment there for both partners, it’s going to be a better time. If not, it’s going into “chore” mode and all those unintentional things that end up happening with sex. So getting in the right mindset before can help you have a better quality enjoyable space.
For men, you’re going to have a much more enjoyable time when you see your wife enjoying herself and having the pleasure that you feel. If you can make the goal to please your wife first, you will find that sexual intimacy in your marriage is so much better! If we can all focus on the intentionality of sex, your entire marriage can be more fulfilled, and happy.
Sometime when you wake up and know you need to go to the gym, or go for a run, you don’t want to. But you have made that committment to do it for your health and for your body. Once you put on your shoes and get out there, you feel so glad you did and you feel even better afterwards. Marriage is the same way. If you intentionally make sex a priority, because you know that it is good for you and your spouses health, for your marriage, and your connection, you just have to make the effort. You are probably always happy after you make love and are glad that you did it, if it is healthy and mutual and you are in the right positive mindframe.
What can we do as women to really not let those distractions take over our mind during sex?
The easiest quickest way is to dial into our senses during sex.
If you have a busy brain going on, but then you turn on sensory mode, whether it’s smell, touch, sight, taste, hearing, you get really intentional and pulled back in. Try to really get into the moment and focus on what feels good right then, at that moment. Those five senses are really helpful with that.
Spend time with foreplay! What if we started making foreplay the actual main course? Instead of the appetizer? What if we took the time and made foreplay more intentional? We need to slow things down! Sex isn’t always about just the ending, its about the build up. It’s about the arousal and the time to connect with each other. It is about each deep kiss and movement and stroke. Why would you ever want to rush that time to really connect with your bodies, spirit and heart?
Sex can be a whole buffet of options.
Talk to each other about what is on your menu that night, what would you like to try? That way we come together as a couple collaborating versus having to compromise. The give and take is what every relationship requires. What kind of pleasure do I want to receive on that buffet? Maybe it’s “Hey, you know what, I can’t be in the penetrative sex tonight and I can’t go there for whatever reason, but maybe we can try oral, or maybe I’ll just receive and then you give or the next time I’ll take care of you if we both can’t show up.” That’s where the give and take with collaboration comes in.
This is also where the communication with building your buffet, your sexual buffet. What a good homework assignment, right? Ask, what would be okay for our buffet? What do I like? What I want to try? What do you want to try? We need to put a preference on this because when we talk about fantasy, desire, those things that are different between us, we definitely can get triggered for what ever reason. Ask, I’m curious about what turns you on about that? Have those questions. Make a sexual bucket list together.
When you have the sexual conversations and get good at talking about all those things, communication in the other areas of intimacy can get easier.
Long term relationships and marriages can get boring! It’s true.
That’s just the reality of it. I mean you can love your partner all day, but monotony does happen, but we don’t have to frown on it. Make intentions with sex. Start flirting again. Dating is completely different when your married but we still get to continuously date each other and always learn new things about each other. Date around intentional sex!
Focus on what feels good.
So why is it so important for your spouse to know what you like or dislike or what you desire sexually?
How can we expect our partner to know what feels good for us if we don’t know what feels good for us?Letting your spouse know what you like or dislike is key. It’s really important to keep in mind that you don’t want to hurt feelings, but you have to be truthful and honest. You don’t want to come off aggressive like, “Oh no, don’t touch me that. I hate it” but more of a “hey, can you move to the left a little bit?” Maybe they didn’t have past experiences, Maybe they’re bringing what they saw on movies or somewhere else to play. That might not actually be reality of where you’re at. So they’re going to need some guidance. This is where you have to make sure yourself what feels good for your own pleasure. So letting them know, let’s them be an equal player on the team versus trying to keep them in the dark or not telling them or just being embarrassed, which is so common.
Knowing that when you have a safe space that you can talk about intimacy, including physical intimacy, it makes trust so much better.
We know that trust and intimacy, when one goes up, the other one absolutely follows it and when one goes down, the other, one follows it.
The more we talk about it from a non-personalized space and helping our spouses feel secure and not judge the better sex we’re all that we have.
How to make the sex conversation a little easier.
Start your conversation with this: “I want to improve intimacy and connection in our marriage. I want to work on intimacy as a whole with you in our marriage and to do that, I wanna be able to talk with and it’s gonna be real hard. I’m gonna be scared because I don’t want to upset your I don’t want you to think, I’m thinking something is wrong… I just want to talk with you about how we can be better connected. Are you open to discuss this a bit more?”
And when we approach it, like an invitation with our styles, they’re gonna be more like “okay, I don’t know what you’re talking about, but ya you said physical intimacy. So I’m down with the conversation.”
We have a starting place to collaborate. “What can we do better? What do we need more of? I want you to feel good. I want to feel good and we know we’re going to continue to grow together,” and when you do this, you’re coming together as a team versus being against one another in your own separate corner. Yeah, that’s a lot of resentment, anger.
You are on the same team.
Always remember that. When you are distracted with things in your life, or are struggling to focus, this can be a great time to talk and figure out how you can help each other with things going on. Everything that you are dealing with, your spouse should be right by your side to help you and comfort you. If you feel your lives are too chaotic and busy to find that connection time and intimacy time together, talk about ways to cut back on some things, or how to simplify your schedules together so that you can prioritize that part of your life. Communication like we always say is the oxygen to marriage. It is vital to communicate and express your concerns, frustrations, and stress to your spouse. This creates vulnerability which creates intimacy.
To listen to the podcast on this subject, go to ultimateintimacy.com/podcast Episode 38
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