We have all heard that communication in marriage is like oxygen to the body. It is that important, and if you don’t have it, your marriage WILL die.
It is easy to communicate when you are first married and first falling in love with each other. The sparks are there, the flirting is still happening.. then marriage starts to settle and you get comfortable with each other. You start to notice all the little things that they do that bug you, and you start to be more vocal about it too. The finance stress, career stress, differences in backgrounds start to show up and the contention can start up.
You might even get to that point where some really hard things have hit your life and you feel like the intimacy is lacking and communication starts to die off also. It doesn’t take much for it to start to dwindle when two people stop talking to each other about important things, which happens when stress or trials hit. Or if one person is not getting the physical intimacy they need, and the other isn’t getting the emotional intimacy they need, it is easy to stop communication and then it all gets worse from there.
Here are some tips to restoring the intimacy and communication back into your marriage
Don’t let the respect for your spouse die! It is so hard to get back. Respecting your spouse means to honor them, you recognize that your partner is a whole person. It means that you know your partner has different experiences and opinions from you, and that you can embrace those.
Respect your spouse in the way that you talk to them, and in your actions. When you respect somebody, you are gentle and loving with words, you never talk down to them, and you never ever do anything abusive. NEVER. Physical contact is loving and gentle.
If you respect your spouse you validate them. Healthy and respectful couples know that nobody can win in marriage if someone is always right or wrong.
2. Kindness and Love
No one wants to be married to someone that is not kind. It is easy when you are upset to yell and scream, but in a good marriage, spouses should keep tone of voice down, and show anger with love. The way we talk to our spouse either brings the marriage up or down, and the tone of voice we use also.
When communicating in marriage, showing love means wanting to talk to your spouse even when you are upset. Just wanting to fix or heal the broken communication is a great way to show that you still care and love your spouse. A great way to communicate in love is to write your spouse a love note stating that you want to fix things and that you love them more than anything. This is a great way to start the conversation and break the ice and tension.
Leaving your spouse little notes, or texting your spouse words of affirmation or kindness goes a long way.
3. Active listening
Active listening is one of the best traits you can have in marriage. This entails turning off the TV, putting down your phone or shutting it off, putting the two of you in a room with no one else that can distract you and being a state of mind where you can focus on what your spouse needs to tell you.
Listen with real empathy. Try to put yourself in their shoes for a minute and see where they are coming from when they express things to you. Listen without bias and without judgement. Looking at them while you are talking is also really important when it comes to true listening. It shows that you care about how they feel and what they are trying to express to you.
Understanding is important, because that creates the conditions for love. In understanding relationships, you can empathize with the other person, you make space for them to think and feel the way that they do and be vulnerable. You respect that what they’re experiencing is about them and not about you. Understanding simply means listening to your spouse fully and intently. It means absorbing what they’re saying.
We chose to get married because we wanted that soul mate, best friend in our life, right? If you are struggling with communication in your marriage, it is time to get back that friendship feeling, which can be really really hard if your not feeling connected. Some great ways to rekindle that spark is to take a vacation or quick overnighter and just make love. Even if your mad, or you don’t want to touch, try spending some physical time with each other. There have been several studies done over the years where marriage therapists tell couples on the verge of divorce to have 7 days of sex. Your thinking what??? that’s insane?
Actually it has worked for many. Throwing yourself back into the sexual intimacy area when it has been cut for a time can really rekindle feelings and passion.. who knows maybe you will have such a great time that you will lay in bed after and both say sorry and want to discuss and make everything right again. The bedroom is the playtime for adults and it is important to not let the physical and sexual intimacy die off in marriage.
Try a new hobby together that will spark some new interest and new fun. It can get you talking about new things together.
If you want a good, or amazing marriage, YOU MUST prioritize date nights. There is no exception. Dating your spouse continually is what will keep you together. Having a weekly date night even if it is just a romantic walk for an hour, is so important for your connection and communication. Walking together is actually very intimate if you hold hands and ask each other how you are really doing in life. Bring up the topics that you aren’t talking about very often.
Your spouse should be at the very top of your calendar. We all have busy lives, but if we have time for social media, video games, pinterest, friends, you have time for your spouse. Erase your calendar like we always say and write in time with your spouse FIRST. not last.
Show them that they are priority. Talk to them at night in bed before you go to sleep. Ask them about their day. Ask them about how they feel in the marriage and how you can both do better. All these little things can help with communication and connection!
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