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Have you ever read a message or listened to a conversation and walked away with a completely different interpretation than what was intended? Maybe you’ve watched a video or listened to a podcast and thought, “Wow, they’re really calling me out,” or felt that their information was saying something you don’t agree with, when that wasn’t the speaker’s intention at all.
In our own videos, podcasts, and newsletters, we’ve received some crazy feedback from people with comments that leave us scratching our heads wondering “what podcast are they listening to?”.
They interpret something completely different from what we were actually saying. It’s not uncommon for people to project their own experiences, emotions, and realities onto what they hear or see.
This happens in marriages too — and it can cause significant harm if we’re not mindful of it. Let’s dive into why we interpret things this way, how it impacts our relationships, and how we can shift our mindset to build healthier communication.
Why Do We See and Hear What We Want?
For example:
- If you feel unappreciated in your marriage, you’re more likely to interpret your spouse’s actions (or lack thereof) as further proof of that belief.
- If you’re stressed and overwhelmed, a simple question from your spouse like “Did you take care of that?” can sound accusatory, even if that wasn’t the intention.
Our emotions and current reality shape how we perceive the world around us. And while this bias can protect us in certain situations, it can also create unnecessary conflict in our relationships.
How This Shows Up in Marriage
In marriage, seeing what we want to see can lead to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and unnecessary arguments. Here are a few examples of how this plays out:
Example 1: Misinterpreting Intentions
Imagine your spouse says, “Are you going to wear that?”
- If you’re feeling insecure, you might hear it as criticism: “They think I look bad.”
- If you’re feeling confident, you might interpret it as curiosity: “They’re just wondering about my outfit choice.”
The same words can have completely different meanings depending on your mindset.
Example 2: Taking Things Personally
Your spouse comes home from work in a bad mood and doesn’t greet you right away.
- If you’re feeling disconnected, you might think: “They’re mad at me.”
- If you’re feeling secure, you might think: “They had a rough day.”
In reality, their mood likely has nothing to do with you. But your interpretation is based on how you’re feeling at that moment.
Statistics on Miscommunication in Marriage
- According to a study by The Gottman Institute, 69% of conflicts in marriage are due to perpetual issues, often stemming from misunderstandings and misinterpretations.
- Research from Psychology Today shows that people only retain 25% of what they hear in conversations, meaning that our brains fill in the gaps with our own perceptions and assumptions.
- Miscommunication is one of the top three causes of divorce, according to a study by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers.
These statistics highlight how important clear communication is in marriage — and how easily things can go awry when we let our biases take over.
Practical Remedies to Improve Communication
The good news is that we can overcome these biases with intentional practices. Here are some ways to improve communication in your marriage and avoid unnecessary misunderstandings:
1. Practice Active Listening
When your spouse is speaking, focus on truly hearing their words without jumping to conclusions or preparing your response. Repeat back what you heard to ensure clarity.
Example:
- Spouse: “I feel like we’ve been distant lately.”
- Response: “So you’re saying you feel disconnected. Can you tell me more about that?”
This shows your spouse that you’re listening and clarifying their message before reacting.
2. Assume Positive Intent
Instead of assuming the worst, give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. Assume that their actions and words come from a place of love and care, not malice.
Example:
- Instead of thinking, “They’re trying to hurt my feelings,” try: “Maybe they didn’t realize how that came across.”
3. Check Your Own Reality
Ask yourself: “Am I interpreting this based on my current mood or past experiences?” If you’re feeling emotional, take a moment to breathe and reset before responding.
Example:
- If you’re upset, say: “I need a moment to gather my thoughts before we continue this conversation.”
4. Communicate Openly and Honestly
If something your spouse says bothers you, address it directly and calmly. Use “I” statements to express how you feel without placing blame.
Example:
- Instead of: “You never listen to me,” try: “I feel unheard when we have conversations like this.”
5. Manage Your Ego and Pride
Pride and ego can prevent us from admitting when we’re wrong or misinterpreted something. Practice humility and be open to seeing things from your spouse’s perspective.
Example:
- Say: “I realize I might have misunderstood what you meant. Can we clarify?”
Final Thought: Perception Shapes Reality
In marriage, what you perceive isn’t always the truth. Our brains filter information based on our emotions, past experiences, and current reality. The key to a thriving marriage is recognizing this bias and actively working to communicate more clearly and openly.
By practicing active listening, assuming positive intent, and managing your own perceptions, you can build a stronger, more connected marriage — one where both partners feel seen, heard, and understood.
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