Before reading this article, if you are not familiar with the 5 Love Languages, check out our article “How knowing your spouses love language can improve your relationship” and learn more about the love languages. Also take the test on the Ultimate Intimacy App to find out each others love languages.
You can also listen to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast Episode 135. What To Do When Your Love Languages Are Different.. And Knowing Each Others Love Language Isn’t Working?
Take it often as it may change based upon certain circumstances and things going on in your life. Learn about the love languages and why they are so important.
So why are love languages so important? And why is it important to speak the love language to your spouse that they understand?
Let’s assume your spouse doesn’t speak Spanish but you do. You sit your spouse down and share the most beautiful thoughts, feelings and love for them in spanish. No matter how beautiful and amazing what you share and express to them is, they won’t understand a thing you are saying. You are speaking a language to them they don’t understand, and so your expression of love means nothing to them.
This is exactly what it’s like to speak a different love language to your spouse. No matter how much you want to express it, if you aren’t doing it in the way “they” understand, it won’t mean much.
So if you are one of the MANY couples that know each others love language, but still don’t feel like your expressions of love are being heard, or received, here are some other things to consider.
UNDERSTAND YOU DON’T NEED TO BOTH HAVE THE SAME LOVE LANGUAGE TO HAVE AN AMAZING RELATIONSHIP – Recognize this is totally normal and you don’t need the same love language to have an amazing marriage and intimacy. Many couples think you need to have the same love languages for things to be good. Nothing could be further from the truth. We have completely opposite love languages in our marriage, but our marriage and intimacy is great! In fact it is probably better that we don’t have the same love language. Yes, it takes very hard work to express love to your spouse in the way “they” feel loved, especially if it is not a way you feel loved.
EXPRESS YOUR NEEDS TO EACH OTHER CLEARLY – Let’s say your spouses love language is gifts. It is easy to think that all you have to do is buy them things. That is not the case. Do you know what they like to receive? Do they want flowers… if so what kind of flowers or gifts. You need to be clear about your needs and express that to your spouse. Don’t just assume they know what you want (or need).
ACCEPT YOUR SPOUSES LOVE LANGUAGE – It is so easy to think that if our love language is physical touch, then things would be much easier if our spouses love language was physical touch and the try to figure out how to get them to want “physical touch”. This is a dead end… but we all do it. We try to figure out how we can get them to convert to our love language. Don’t try to change it to fit your needs. Accept the fact that you are both different, and that is OK! Try to fulfill their needs in the way they feel loved, and ask them to fulfill your needs in the way you feel loved.
SPEAK TO THEM IN THEIR LANGUAGE, NOT YOURS – Often times we think because we feel love a certain way that must mean they feel love that way too. That is not the case.
ASK THEM TO TRANSLATE THEIR LOVE LANGUAGE – If their love language is quality time, don’t just assume that means you spend time together. Quality time to them might mean something totally different. It might mean spending time together doing specific things together such as going on a walk, or spending time in a good conversation.
BE WILLING TO COMPROMISE WITH EACH OTHER – This is where most couples get frustrated and things can fall apart. You can know each others love languages inside and out, but if one spouse feels like they are putting forth more effort than the other, it can cause a divide. We as humans naturally withdraw if we feel like if our needs are not being met, or if there is not a balance.
It is so important not to keep score, but to find a compromise that fulfills both your needs. Just because some thing isn’t important to you, doesn’t mean its not vitally important to your spouse.
For example, if your spouse’s love language is physical touch, but yours isn’t, you can’t just decide that your going to turn off the physical touch because it’s not important to you, and disregard your spouses needs. If something is important to your spouse, it should be important to you (and vice versa). If you want a happy and successful marriage, you need to learn to compromise… and fulfill each others needs. That is what marriage is all about… compromising and finding a balance that makes you both happy.
Don’t compare or think everything has to be 50/50, just both try your hardest and be sincere. This is the key. In our relationship, we both have complete opposite love languages, but it works as we both want to make each other happy and our marriage thrive. We recognize how important it is to fulfill each others love through the language they understand.
Remember podcast episode 116. Is This Toxic Emotional And Sexual Intimacy Game Being Played In Your Marriage?
So many couples start playing this game because they feel they are not getting their needs met. Be careful not to fall into this trap and toxic game.
GIVE EACH OTHER GOOD FEEDBACK SO YOU CAN IMPROVE – This is where most couples drop the ball (us included). We assume that just because we know each others love language, then that is it. We either fulfill it or we don’t. It is so important to constantly talk about your love languages, how you are both doing and what you can do better.
Be understanding with each other and realize this is a long process and each of you are going to make mistakes or fall short. Provide feedback to each other about how you are doing, what you can do better. And remember, these things ONLY work when both spouses are committed and trying to serve each other every day!
Here are some fun stats from our podcast about the love languages, and how other couples are doing when it comes to communicating with the love languages.
Want to find out your love language and have access to hundreds of resources, games and articles to make your marriage and sex life AMAZING? Then check out the Ultimate intimacy App and find out why over 500,000 couples have transformed their marriage using the app! Best of all, it’s FREE!