Check out podcast episode 128. What Do You Do When Your Spouse Won’t Talk About Sex…Or Other Tough Topics?
You hear us constantly talk about how almost everything can be resolved with good communication, and that is true. But what happens when you have a spouse that doesn’t want to communicate, or won’t communicate, because they are afraid it will turn into a fight, or they don’t want to talk because it is uncomfortable?
We have all been there. Early in our marriage there were MANY times that we would not communicate about something because we knew it would lead to an argument and because it was uncomfortable doing to so. The lack of communication with the tough topics almost let to the demise of our marriage. It was only FINALLY realizing that if we didn’t talk about the tough things, we wouldn’t make it.
We hear from so MANY couples stating that they try to communicate with their spouse, but their spouse doesn’t want to. They state things like:
“My spouse won’t listen to me no matter how much I try to talk to them”
“They don’t want to talk about it when I bring it up”
“They won’t talk to me about it so I dont’ try anymore”
Do any of these sound familiar?
This can be very frustrating when one spouse wants to talk about things and the other spouse won’t. Here are some of the reasons why a spouse doesn’t want to (or won’t) communicate in marriage:
- They don’t want get in an argument
- They get uncomfortable talking about difficult things, so they shy away from talking about them
- They have a different communication style such as the hoarder
We have talked about the different communications styles couples have and why it is important to know them so you can better understand how to communicate effectively with your spouse. Check out the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast Episode 97. What Are Your Communication Styles?.. And How Knowing Your Style Can Change Your Marriage
The different types of communication styles
The Procrastinator
A procrastinator communication style is someone who want’s to talk about things, but needs time to think about it and gather their thoughts. Sometimes procrastinators keep putting things off because they might be uncomfortable talking about something, or waiting for the right time. The problem with this is the right time may never come.
The Shotgun
This type of person want’s to get everything out now and talk about the issue right away and try to resolve it so they can keep things moving forward. This type of person also may not like contention and has empathy for how the other person feels.
If you are in a relationship where your spouse doesn’t want to talk about things, you are probably dealing with one of these communications styles below (The Hoarder and The Non – Confrontational).
The Hoarder
This is the person that doesn’t like to (or doesn’t feel comfortable) communicating. They just keep their thoughts to themselves and they dont open up with their spouse.
Think of the show Hoarders as a good example. They collect and hold onto everything until one day…. it it’s too much.
The Non – Confrontational
This person often has an opinion or thoughts on something but rather than cause an argument or disagreement, they will just agree with their spouse. Now sometimes this is ok to do if it is over something small and just to avoid an argument and move on, but if the big things are treated this way, it can cause alot of conflict and problems down the road. People that hold things in often build resentment and will distant themselves over time.
There are MANY couples or individuals that have these two communication styles making it difficult for good communication to happen as well as just not wanting to communicate for fear of it turning into conflict or being uncomfortable.
So for couples who struggle with this and the lack of communication is causing issues in the marriage… what can you do?
The experience from a listener that changed everything
Here is an experience from one of our listeners that we thought was amazing and will answer that question.
A gentleman felt like he was just living in a “roommate” marriage. He had tried to communicate with his wife about how he felt, but she didn’t want to talk about it. He was frustrated and was ready to give up. As a last ditch effort, he decided to write her a letter letting her know his feelings and how he felt about where the marriage was at, and how he felt.
His results have been nothing short of a miracle. He said after receiving his letter, she agreed to sit down together and communicate about things. In a short period of time they went on several dates, the romance and intimacy is strong, and their marriage has completely turned around in a short period of time!
So if you are a spouse that has tried to communicate but are getting nowhere, try writing your spouse a hand written letter expressing to them your feelings, desires and expressing how you feel.
Why this works
There are many things a letter can do that communication sometimes can’t do:
- You can often share your thoughts and feelings on paper easier than in person
- You don’t forget what you were going to say or express
- Writing a letter allows the other spouse to read it and have time to think about it
- Your spouse doesn’t have to worry about feeling uncomfortable or getting into an argument when you write a letter
- There is a lot less room for someone to misinterpret things
If you have exhausted all efforts on trying to communicate with your spouse and it just isn’t working, try putting your thoughts down on paper in a hand written letter and see if this transforms your marriage.
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