In marriage, few issues can be as complex and emotionally charged as differences in sexual desire. When one spouse finds themselves longing for intimacy more frequently than the other, it can lead to frustration, resentment, and even feelings of rejection.
You can also listen to our podcast on this subject titled: 258. Why It Is The Lower Desire Spouses Responsibility To Fix The “I Don’t Want/Like To Have Sex” Problem. Or Is It?
Disclaimer: This topic and episode are for couples in loving, respectful, and healthy relationships, but where the lower desire spouse isn’t interested in sexual intimacy.
We receive many messages from lower desire spouses who express sentiments like, “Our relationship is great, but my wife just doesn’t like (or want) to have sex. She tells me no, or just to ‘deal with it.'” We hear statements like this all the time.
This is saddening because it isn’t the high desire spouse’s fault, yet they are told to just “deal with it” as if it is their fault or something is wrong with them for desiring sexual intimacy with their spouse. They are the ones who have to endure because their spouse is just “not in the mood.”

Now, of course, we are talking about couples in loving and respectful marriages. If there are deep issues in the marriage causing a spouse not to want to be intimate, then we totally agree that things need to be resolved. However, the majority of messages we receive are from high desire spouses who state that their lower desire spouse just doesn’t enjoy (or want) sex, and therefore has cut it off from the higher desire spouse.
In this podcast episode, we discuss the factors that may cause a spouse not to have sexual desire and why it is the low desire spouse’s responsibility to address the “I don’t want to have sex” issue. This is sure to be a controversial topic and episode, but it needs to be addressed. Before passing judgment, listen to the podcast and hear the reasons why we feel this way, and let us know what you think.
You hear us talk about this all the time through our podcasts, articles, newsletters and social media. And the reason we constantly talk about it is because sexual intimacy is so important for a happy marriage. Check out what our audience thinks as well.

This dynamic, often dubbed the “I Don’t Want/Like to Have Sex” problem, is a common challenge faced by many couples. However, it’s crucial to recognize that is important for the spouse with lower desire to take proactive steps towards resolution. Here’s why.
Understanding the Factors at Play
Before jumping into why the low desire spouse bears responsibility for addressing intimacy issues, it’s essential to acknowledge the various factors that can contribute to a lack of sexual desire:
1. Health Issues:
Physical health problems, ranging from chronic pain to hormonal imbalances, can significantly impact one’s libido. Conditions such as diabetes, thyroid disorders, and cardiovascular issues may interfere with sexual function and diminish interest in intimacy.
Health issues can be a huge factor to contributing to little to no sexual desire.
2. Mental Health Challenges:
Depression, anxiety, and chronic stress can all take a toll on sexual desire. When individuals are grappling with overwhelming emotions or mental health issues, the prospect of engaging in sexual activity may feel daunting or unappealing.

3. Sexual Dysfunction:
For some individuals, past experiences of sexual dysfunction or discomfort can create barriers to intimacy. Whether due to pain during intercourse, difficulty achieving orgasm, or other concerns, these challenges can lead to avoidance of sexual activity altogether.
Again, the great news is there is usually solutions for this.
4. Trauma:
Past trauma, whether physical, emotional, or sexual, can profoundly impact one’s relationship with intimacy. Survivors of abuse or assault may struggle with trust, vulnerability, and feelings of safety in sexual situations, leading to a diminished desire for intimacy.
5. Low Libido:
Sometimes, a lower sex drive is simply a natural aspect of an individual’s libido. Factors such as age, hormonal changes, and relationship dynamics can all influence one’s level of sexual desire, and this variation is entirely normal.
If you feel you may have low libido, talk to a medical professional as there are many things that can help out tremendously.
The Importance of Taking Initiative
While the factors mentioned above can undoubtedly present significant challenges to sexual intimacy, it’s essential for the spouse with lower desire to take proactive steps towards resolution. Here’s why:
1. Mutual Satisfaction:
In a healthy relationship, both spouses’ needs and desires are valued and respected. By ignoring or dismissing the higher desire spouse’s concerns, the low desire spouse risks creating an imbalance in the relationship, leading to feelings of neglect and resentment.

2. Relationship Health:
Sexual intimacy is a vital component of many romantic relationships, serving as a means of bonding, communication, and expression of love. When one spouse consistently avoids or rejects sexual advances, it can erode the emotional connection and stability of the relationship over time.
3. Personal Growth:
Addressing intimacy issues isn’t just about improving the relationship—it’s also an opportunity for personal growth and self-discovery. By confronting underlying health issues, seeking therapy for mental health challenges, or addressing past traumas, the low desire spouse can embark on a journey of healing and empowerment.
4. Shared Responsibility:
While it’s natural for couples to encounter challenges in their relationship, it’s essential to approach these obstacles as a team. By taking ownership of their role in addressing intimacy issues, the low desire spouse demonstrates a commitment to the relationship’s well-being and a willingness to work towards a solution collaboratively.
Seeking Support and Solutions
Acknowledging the responsibility to address intimacy issues is the first step, but it’s equally important for the low desire spouse to take concrete actions towards resolution. This may involve seeking professional help, such as therapy or medical treatment, to address underlying health or psychological issues. Additionally, open and honest communication with their partner is crucial, allowing both individuals to express their needs, concerns, and desires in a supportive and non-judgmental environment.
Ultimately, resolving differences in sexual desire requires compassion, patience, and a willingness to work together as a team. By taking ownership of their role in addressing intimacy issues, the low desire spouse not only fosters a healthier and more fulfilling relationship but also prioritizes their own well-being and personal growth in the process.
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