Marriage & Intimacy Struggles?
Here’s What Every Wife Needs to Know
As a wife of 23 years, I can honestly say that my journey with emotional and sexual intimacy has been a rollercoaster. There were years where I felt deeply connected to my husband, and then there were moments where I just didn’t want to be touched. I started to lose my drive—something I never thought would happen in my marriage. If you’re struggling with intimacy, trust me, I get it. I’ve been there.
After years of marriage, the reality is that many things can get in the way of intimacy. For me, it wasn’t just one thing; it was a combination of emotional, physical, and mental factors. Here’s what I learned along the way, and hopefully, it can help you navigate the same struggles.
1. You’re Not Alone
There were times when I felt completely alone in my struggles. I thought, “Am I the only one who feels this way?” But as I began talking to friends and reading more about intimacy in long-term marriages, I realized something important: I wasn’t alone. Many wives face similar challenges, and it’s important to remember that struggling with intimacy doesn’t mean something is wrong with you or your relationship. It simply means there’s work to be done—and that’s okay.
2. Emotional Intimacy Comes First
I used to think that sex was the ultimate form of intimacy, but over the years, I realized something critical: emotional intimacy comes first.
If we weren’t emotionally connected, sex felt disconnected. When we were on the same page emotionally, it was so much easier to connect physically. I learned that small things—like meaningful conversations, affection throughout the day, and showing appreciation—made a world of difference in feeling close to each other.
I talk all about this in my new book Let’s Talk About Sex! 20 Things Christian Husbands and Wives Wish Their Spouse Knew (Or Would Do) But Don’t Know How to Tell Them. The first half of my 20 things talking to husbands is literally about how important emotional connection is for women! This is KEY to great passion in marriage, and though it seems like common sense, many spouses just don’t know this!
3. Sex Isn’t Just for Him—It’s for You Too!
For a long time, I felt like I was just going through the motions. Sex felt like something my husband needed, not something that brought both of us joy. But that mentality really drained my desire. I had to remind myself that my pleasure matters too. Sex is meant to be a mutual experience, and when I started focusing more on my own needs—what I like, what turns me on—it changed the way I viewed intimacy. It wasn’t just about pleasing him; it was about us.
One of the things that helped me reconnect with my own pleasure was discovering the vibrating ring. It completely changed the physical side of intimacy for me. Initially, I didn’t realize how much a small shift could make a difference in how much I enjoyed sex. The sensation from the vibrating ring not only enhanced the experience but also helped me become more aware of my own body. It made me realize that the physical side of sex could be exciting and enjoyable for me too—not just something I was doing for my husband. This was a game-changer in how I approached intimacy and helped me feel more connected, both emotionally and physically.
This is exactly why we created the Ultimate Intimacy app—to help wives learn to truly love the physical side of sex again. The app is designed to provide resources and tools that encourage women to embrace their own pleasure and rediscover the joy in intimacy. After all, you have to love it to want it, right? When a wife feels comfortable and confident in her own desires, she becomes more open to intimacy, and the spark can reignite. The app isn’t just about improving sexual connection; it’s about creating a space where women can explore and prioritize their needs, so they can show up fully in the bedroom and enjoy the experience.
4. The Mental Load Kills Desire! Literally!
I didn’t realize how much the mental load was affecting me until I started paying attention. Managing the house, taking care of the kids, juggling my career, and handling every little detail—it was all on my shoulders.
By the end of the day, I was exhausted. And when I’m drained, the last thing I want is to be intimate. The burden of these responsibilities was suffocating my desire. It wasn’t until I started communicating with my husband about sharing the load that things began to shift. When he stepped up, I felt more energized and less overwhelmed, which, surprisingly, gave me more space to be intimate.
We just launched the brand new UandI app to help with household responsibilities and to address all the things that contribute to mental load. It has been a total game changer in our marriage! Here’s why:
First, the UandI app has helped us get on the same page when it comes to sharing the mental load in our home. As many of you know, when the household responsibilities fall primarily on one person—usually the wife—it can feel overwhelming, exhausting, and, at times, discouraging. Before using the app, I was often stressed out, juggling tasks, and mentally drained. But now, we’ve found a way to easily communicate and share responsibilities, which has lightened my mental load significantly.
The app makes it so simple to assign, track, and manage household chores and schedules. My husband and I now have a shared list for tasks that we can update in real-time. This has helped us to be much more organized, and it’s freed up mental space for both of us to focus on other important areas of our lives—like intimacy. The mental clarity that has come from sharing these responsibilities has allowed us to connect in more meaningful ways, both emotionally and physically.
Additionally, having this system in place has led to more open conversations about our expectations and how we can both do our part. No more resentment building up over unspoken tasks! We’re more in tune with each other’s needs and more mindful of the support we’re providing. The UandI app has truly been a catalyst for better communication, a balanced partnership, and a deeper connection. If you’re struggling with mental load and want to see the same transformation in your marriage, this app might be exactly what you need!
5. Foreplay is More Than Just Physical
For me, emotional foreplay is just as important as physical foreplay. It starts long before we get to the bedroom. When I feel loved, respected, and cherished in everyday moments—like when my husband holds my hand or compliments me—it makes a world of difference in how I approach sex. Small gestures of affection and meaningful conversations are what create the atmosphere for physical intimacy to flourish.
Another key aspect of emotional intimacy in our marriage has been dating each other consistently. We’ve made it a priority to have weekly date nights, where we focus solely on each other—without distractions. Whether it’s going out for dinner, taking a walk, or simply watching a movie together, these moments allow us to reconnect and keep the spark alive.
Additionally, making time every single night to talk about our day, what’s coming up next, and sharing our thoughts without the interruption of phones has been crucial. This nightly ritual of communication helps us stay connected emotionally, and it’s made such a difference in the level of intimacy we share. We’re not just partners in life; we’re actively nurturing our relationship, ensuring that we continue to grow closer with every passing day.
6. Routine Can Ruin Passion
After years of marriage, it’s easy to slip into a routine. Date nights become few and far between, and sex can start to feel like a predictable checklist. That was a big issue for us. I found myself getting bored, and that really killed my drive. One night, my husband Nick asked me to rate our marriage. He was hoping I’d say a 10, but I answered with a 6 or 7. We both sat down and had a deep discussion about why. It wasn’t that our marriage was bad—it was just that we were in a stage of raising kids, working hard, and everything started feeling the same. We were just existing instead of thriving.
That conversation led to a huge shift for us. We set a goal to make date nights more fun, play more games—both in our marriage and with our kids—and take more adventures together, just the two of us and as a family. The idea wasn’t to “fix” anything, but to spice things up and bring back the excitement and connection we’d been missing.
We made small changes, like switching up our date nights and being more intentional with our time together, and it really made a difference. Having those conversations about where we were and where we wanted to be has been a game-changer. Now, we’re more connected, more spontaneous, and our intimacy has flourished as a result.
Marriage should never feel mediocre, and that’s become my motto. We deserve excitement, passion, and the ability to continually grow together.
7. Your Body Changes, and That’s Okay!
So many women complain that their bodies just aren’t the same as they were before marriage, and that can significantly impact their desire for intimacy. The physical changes that come with age, hormonal shifts, pregnancy, and motherhood can leave many feeling disconnected from their bodies. But here’s the thing—embracing these changes and being kind to yourself is key. Your body might not look exactly as it did when you first got married, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still enjoy intimacy. It’s about prioritizing self-care and focusing on loving yourself, no matter where you are in your journey.
It’s also important to be mindful of what you watch and who you compare yourself to. The media often paints an unrealistic picture of beauty, and that can be damaging to your confidence.
Take time to listen to your spouse when they give you compliments, because they see you for who you are and appreciate you in ways you might not realize. Remember, intimacy isn’t just about how you look—it’s about feeling connected, confident, and loved in your own skin. By taking care of yourself and being open to the affection of your spouse, you can reignite that connection and embrace the intimacy you both deserve.
8. Resentment Blocks Intimacy
I’ll admit, there were times when I let resentment build up—whether from unmet needs or unresolved conflicts. When that happens, intimacy feels impossible. I realized that for intimacy to thrive, we had to address the emotional baggage. We had to work through our issues, communicate openly, and be vulnerable with each other. Letting go of resentment and focusing on rebuilding trust and understanding helped bring back the closeness that had been missing.
The first 12 years of our marriage were tough. My husband was addicted to building a big business, and it wasn’t paying off. He was stressed, not bringing in money, and all the stress seemed to fall on me—despite the fact that he was feeling stressed too. Our emotional connection began to deteriorate, and our intimate connection felt like it was dying. I had no clue how deeply tied emotional and sexual intimacy really were! But the day we started having open, honest communication about the needs we both had, everything started to change.
Even in everyday life, it can be hard to prioritize emotional connection, especially when life gets busy. But the little things—such as hugs, kisses, kind words, and affectionate touch—can truly strengthen your marriage and bring back the closeness that we all crave. If you’re struggling with making those daily emotional connections, I encourage you to grab one of our free marriage challenges. It’s a simple way to start prioritizing those little moments that can make a big impact on your relationship.
9. Desire Can Be Rekindled
There was a time when I truly thought my desire was gone for good. But the truth is, desire can be rekindled. It takes patience, understanding, and effort from both of you. By prioritizing emotional intimacy, reducing stress, and focusing on mutual pleasure, I began to feel that spark again. It’s not about magically fixing everything overnight—it’s about taking small steps to reconnect, both emotionally and physically.
You can grab one of our free marriage challenges at https://stan.store/ultimateintimacyapp
Pick from the kissing challenge, the mild, medium hot marriage challenge, or the connection challenge for your marriage! All are free to download! Hope you love it!
10. You Deserve a Thriving Marriage 🔥❤️
For a long time, I thought that once you’ve been married for a while, intimacy just fades. But that’s not true!
Every marriage deserves to have thriving intimacy, no matter how many years you’ve been together. It takes effort from both spouses, and it’s okay to ask for help along the way. A thriving marriage is built on mutual respect, love, understanding, and the willingness to invest in each other’s needs—sex included.
We hope that one of the apps can help strengthen your marriage passion! Again, no marriage should feel mediocre! At any point in your marriage, it can start to thrive again!
Download the Ultimate Intimacy App FOR FREE (this app has hundreds of conversation starters in all areas, a customizable intimate game, the love quiz, tons of articles and resources from experts on all areas of intimacy, challenges, non graphic positions and so much more! ultimateintimacy.com
Download the UandI app FOR FREE (this app has an amazing home harmony feature to help you balance home responisibilities together, a customized date night timeline feature, 2 non graphic scratch off position games, ask an expert section, and more! uandiapp.com
