In Outwitting the Devil, Napoleon Hill introduces the concept of “drifters” versus “non-drifters.” Drifters are passive, directionless, and easily influenced by external forces. Non-drifters—or drivers—are purposeful, disciplined, and intentional, shaping their lives with confidence and clarity.
But how does this concept apply to marriage? Simply put, being a driver in your marriage means making intentional decisions that nurture your relationship rather than letting it drift into autopilot. Here’s how being decisive can transform your marriage and create a stronger, more intimate bond.
Check out the podcast we did on this subject titled: 316. Are You A “Drifter” When It Comes To Your Relationship? Why This Mindset Could Ruin Your Marriage.
In Outwitting the Devil, Napoleon Hill describes “drifters” as those who go through life (or marriage) without purpose, direction, or decisive action, often becoming controlled by external forces. They just go wherever the wind blows them so to speak. We see a lot of people like this not only in life, but in their relationships. They assume that their relationship or marriage will just be a product of whatever life throws at them.
In contrast, “non-drifters” or drivers are intentional, disciplined, and decisive, shaping their lives with purpose. This concept can be powerfully applied to marriage, where being decisive—being a “driver” and knowing what you want in your relationship, and going after it, can significantly improve the relationship and deepen intimacy.
In this podcast episode Nick and Amy talk about how couples need to be decisive, consistent, and confident about where they want their marriage to be now and in the future.
1. Take Ownership of Your Role
A drifting spouse might go through the motions, leaving the relationship to function on default. In contrast, a driver actively engages in making the marriage better every day.
What it Looks Like:
- Taking Responsibility: When conflicts arise, own your part and work on personal growth to be a better spouse.
- Showing Initiative: Don’t wait for your spouse to plan dates, bring up important conversations, or solve problems. Take the lead when needed.
Example: If you notice your spouse is stressed, instead of passively waiting for things to settle, offer to help or plan a relaxing evening to ease their burden.
2. Create Purpose in Your Marriage
Drifters allow external forces—busy schedules, stress, or complacency—to shape their marriage. Drivers take control, creating shared goals and a clear vision for their relationship.
How to Do It:
- Set Goals Together: Whether it’s financial stability, parenting strategies, or personal growth, decide together what kind of marriage you want to build.
- Protect Priorities: Say “no” to distractions that undermine your connection, like excessive screen time or overcommitting to activities.
Example: Instead of letting work and obligations consume all your time, decide as a couple to prioritize a weekly date night, even if it’s something simple at home.
3. Be Decisive About Communication
Good communication doesn’t just happen—it requires effort, intention, and decisiveness. Drivers prioritize open and honest dialogue, even when it’s uncomfortable.
What Drivers Do:
- Address Issues Early: Don’t let misunderstandings fester. Approach problems with a solution-focused mindset.
- Ask for What You Need: Be clear and respectful about your feelings and desires, encouraging your spouse to do the same.
Example: If you feel disconnected, don’t silently hope it resolves itself. Say, “I feel like we haven’t had much quality time lately. Can we plan something this weekend to reconnect?”
4. Stay Consistent with Effort
A drifting marriage often happens when spouses stop putting in the effort. Being a driver means showing up for your marriage daily with small, intentional actions.
Consistency Looks Like:
- Daily Habits: Saying “I love you,” expressing gratitude, and checking in emotionally.
- Long-Term Investments: Planning for your future as a couple and taking proactive steps to reach shared goals.
Example: A driver doesn’t wait for Valentine’s Day to show love—they make it a habit to leave sweet notes or plan thoughtful surprises throughout the year.
5. Be Decisive About Love and Intimacy
Intimacy—both emotional and physical—thrives on intentionality. Drifters let routine, stress, or distractions erode this connection, while drivers actively cultivate it.
Steps to Take:
- Initiate Connection: Plan date nights, meaningful conversations, or spontaneous acts of affection.
- Address Barriers: If intimacy feels strained, work together to identify and resolve the issues, whether they’re emotional, mental, or physical.
Example: If your sex life feels stuck in a rut, a decisive spouse might suggest trying new experiences or setting intimacy goals to reignite the spark.
6. Lead with Confidence and Positivity
Being a driver means stepping up with confidence, especially during tough times. Your positivity and decisiveness can set the tone for your marriage.
What This Means:
- Stay Calm Under Pressure: Instead of reacting impulsively to stress, work with your spouse to find solutions.
- Inspire Assurance: Your decisiveness helps your spouse feel secure and supported, knowing you’re a reliable partner.
Example: If financial stress arises, a driver might say, “I know this is tough, but we’ll figure it out together. Let’s look at the budget tonight.”
7. Build Resilience Against External Forces
Drifters are easily swayed by outside pressures, like societal expectations or unhealthy habits. Drivers prioritize their marriage and protect it from external influences.
Ways to Stay Resilient:
- Set Boundaries: Limit the impact of work, social obligations, or negative influences on your relationship.
- Prioritize Each Other: Make decisions that reinforce your connection, even if they go against external demands.
Example: If friends or family constantly take up your weekends, a decisive spouse might say, “Let’s carve out one weekend a month just for us.”
8. End Drifting with Intentional Habits
Drifting in marriage often results from neglecting the small, daily efforts that keep your bond strong. Being a driver means creating habits that foster connection and intimacy.
Daily Practices to Try:
- Greet your spouse warmly each morning and evening.
- Take five minutes to share something meaningful from your day.
- Show small acts of kindness, like making their favorite drink or taking on an extra chore.
Final Thought: Decide to Thrive
Marriage doesn’t thrive on autopilot. It takes intentional effort, thoughtful decisions, and consistent action. Being a driver in your marriage means steering it toward growth, love, and connection rather than letting it drift into complacency.
Ask yourself: Are you actively shaping your marriage, or are you letting it drift? Choose to be the driver. Decide to thrive.
What’s one intentional step you can take today to strengthen your marriage? Share your thoughts in the comments!
Ultimate Intimacy
