Check out podcast episode 138. Sexpectations In Marriage.. And Why You Need To Talk About Them Together!
What is a sexpectation? SEXPECTATIONS are our expectations we have for our marriage when it comes to sex. When we expect to have sex, what sex should be like, how often we have sex, toys schedule or spontaneous etc etc.
Many of our sexpectations are formed by our culture – by the movies and tv shows we watch, and also based upon what we hear our friends say growing up. They can also be formed based upon our experiences and what we see in our own family such as our parents.
For example, when Nick and Amy got married, here are the sexpectations they had.
NICK’S SEXPECTATIONS BEFORE GETTING MARRIED:
Amy would want sex all the time!
Amy would initiate sex as much as I would
Sex would be a priority
AMY’S SEXPECTATIONS :
Nick would be romantic all the time
She thought she would want it more and didn’t know her libido would drop
She thought she would orgasm from penetration
For many couples, nothing is more uncomfortable for difficult than talking about sex. Many couples stay away from this subject and so their sex life suffers because of it. We often just assume our spouse should just know what we want and expect when it comes to sex, and of course we should know what they want and expect as well.
Unfortunately for most of us, our sexpectations don’t match reality. We are often left frustrated, disappointed or upset. In life, we talk about our kids, jobs, finances and everything else because we know we have to have those discussions for things to be good. So why would your sex life be any different? How can your sex life get better if you won’t talk about it?
Remember that GOD WANTS ALL MARRIED COUPLES TO HAVE GREAT SEX! AFTER ALL… HE INVENTED IT.
So how can we experience great sexual intimacy as a couple and help deal with our expectations?
- Have good open and honest conversations about sex together. NORMALIZE TALKING ABOUT SEX!!! Talk about what each others sexpectations are. When you think you should have sex, how often, should you schedule sex, toys, what does bad sex look like, what does good sex look like, who initiates etc etc.
- Show empathy by seeking to understand your spouses feelings even if they are totally different than yours.
- Talk about your boundaries when it comes to sex. What is acceptable and not acceptable in the bedroom and talk about why.
- Focus on your spouses sexual expectations more than your own
- STOP COMPARING YOUR SEX LIFE TO OTHERS! Social media thrives off of peoples most intimate and personal issues. Just because someone on social media is having sex 7 times a week doesnt mean that your relationship sucks. Determine what is right for you and your spouse (and relationship) and forget about everyone else’s.
- Compromise and find a balance that works for both of you!
If you want to have a great sex life, you need to talk about it together, and the more you do it, the more comfortable it will become. So set a goal this week to sit down with your spouse and talk about your sexual intimacy together and put together a game plan.
Ultimate Intimacy
For an easy way to talk about sex with your spouse, check out the Ultimate Intimacy App conversation starters. You can download the app for free today!
