Marriage is often depicted as a union of love, partnership, and mutual support. However, in some cases, it can evolve into more of a transactional arrangement, where both parties are more focused on what they can gain rather than giving to each other. Now if you have heard our podcasts, we have talked about how sometimes it is ok to have transactions in marriage. After all, everything you do in life is a transaction. But there is such a thing as a fun and healthy transaction, or your marriage will become unhealthy if it becomes just a “transactional” marriage.
This shift can gradually erode the emotional bond and lead to feelings of dissatisfaction and disconnect. Here are eight signs that you might be in a transactional marriage:
Constant Expectations: In a transactional marriage, both spouses are always expecting something from the other. Whether it’s tangible favors, emotional support, or validation, there’s a sense of entitlement rather than genuine giving.
Self-Centered Focus: Instead of serving each other and nurturing the relationship, the primary concern becomes what each spouse can get out of it. This mindset leads to a lack of generosity and empathy, with each person more focused on their own needs and desires.
Lack of Teamwork: In healthy marriages, couples work together as a team, facing challenges and celebrating victories as one unit. However, in transactional marriages, teamwork is lacking. Each spouse may prioritize their individual goals and interests over the collective well-being of the relationship.
Emotional Disconnection: A strong emotional connection is the foundation of a fulfilling marriage. In a transactional marriage, emotional intimacy takes a back seat to transactional exchanges. Conversations may become superficial, and there’s a noticeable absence of deep sharing and understanding.
Rewards and Punishments: Transactional marriages often operate on a system of rewards and penalties. Spouses may withhold affection or support as a form of punishment for perceived slights or failures, or they may use rewards to manipulate behavior.
Scorekeeping Mentality: Instead of focusing on the inherent value of giving and receiving within a relationship, couples in transactional marriages keep a mental tally of who has done what for whom. This scorekeeping mentality breeds resentment and creates an atmosphere of competition rather than cooperation.
Conditional Love: Love in a transactional marriage is often conditional, based on meeting certain expectations or criteria. When one spouse fails to fulfill their end of the bargain, love and affection may be withdrawn, leading to a cycle of insecurity and mistrust.
Lack of Spontaneity and Joy: Transactional marriages tend to lack spontaneity and genuine moments of joy. Interactions become scripted, and expressions of love or appreciation may feel forced or insincere.
We polled our audience and asked them what they thought and if they were for or against transactions in marriage.
If you recognize these signs in your marriage, don’t despair. It’s possible to break free from the transactional mindset and rebuild a strong, healthy relationship based on love, respect, and genuine connection. Here are a few steps you can take to start reconnecting:
- Communicate Openly: Honest communication is essential for addressing underlying issues and rebuilding trust. Create a safe space where both spouses feel comfortable expressing their thoughts, feelings, and needs without fear of judgment or reprisal.
- Practice Empathy and Generosity: Make a conscious effort to understand your partner’s perspective and empathize with their emotions. Look for opportunities to show generosity and kindness without expecting anything in return.
- Focus on Shared Goals: Revisit your shared goals and aspirations as a couple. Identify areas where you can work together as a team to achieve mutual success and fulfillment.
- Prioritize Emotional Connection: Invest time and energy into nurturing your emotional connection. Schedule regular date nights, engage in meaningful conversations, and express appreciation for each other regularly.
- Let Go of Scorekeeping: Release the need to keep score in your relationship. Instead of focusing on who did what for whom, approach interactions with a spirit of generosity and gratitude.
You may also like this great podcast we did titled: 144. Is There Anything Wrong With Transactional Sex And Chore Play?
A transaction is an exchange of goods or services, and something that is typically a win win for both parties involved. For example, we buy groceries and our family gets the food we need to survive, and the store gets our money. A home buyer buys a house and the seller makes money (or gets rid of the house). In our jobs, we trade our time and skills in exchange for money! Just about everything we do in life is a transaction in some way or another, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. So why would transactions in marriage or sexual intimacy be any different?
Amy loves back rubs (and I know that), and I enjoy being intimate with her (and she knows that) so often times we climb into bed and I give her an amazing back rub and we make love. It is a win – win for us both! We are both satisfied and happy and we do this because we love each other, we our marriage is strengthened.
So many couples look at transactional things as a horrible thing. We get comments like “my husband is just doing this for me because he wants to have sex” or “I am just giving him sex so that he will do ________”
Remember, building a strong, fulfilling marriage takes time, effort, and commitment from both spouses. By prioritizing genuine connection and mutual support over transactional exchanges, you can create a relationship that thrives on love, trust, and authenticity.
Ultimate Intimacy
