Check out the podcast episode 116. Is This Toxic Emotional And Sexual Intimacy Game Being Played In Your Marriage?
We recently did a post on social media for the men titled “the reasons your wife doesn’t want to make love to you” to help the men understand the various reasons why their wive’s are rejecting them and covered the following reasons.
- Trust issues
- Unresolved conflict
- Not taking care of her emotional needs
- Stress and anxiety
- Financial issues
- Being selfish in the bedroom
While there are many reasons this happens, the biggest reason which a lot of the women state why they don’t want to have sex with their husband is because they feel their emotional needs are not being met. This is probably the biggest reason, and if their emotional needs are being met, it usually supersedes the other reasons.
Most women need the emotional connection before having a physical connection with their husband. And for most men, they need to have the physical connection before they will feel safe enough for the emotional vulnerability and connection.
So for MANY marriages it looks like this:
The wife withhold’s sexual intimacy from her husband (and sometimes uses it as a weapon) as a punishment because she feels he is not fulfilling her emotional needs.
The husband is usually upset and withdraws even further from her because he doesn’t feel loved. He won’t meet his wife’s emotional needs because his wife won’t meet the physical needs in the relationship (because a husband needs the physical connection first).
Sound familiar? This toxic game is played in many (if not most) relationships at some point in the marriage.. and in this game, no one EVER wins (everyone looses) and the marriage suffers from it, many times ending in divorce.
In one of the comments from the video we did, a husband stated the following which hits home as to why this happens:
“A man’s emotional needs are linked to his wife making love to him, which she won’t do unless her emotional needs are met first, Thus the man becomes responsible for his, and his wife’s emotional needs.”
It was amazing the feedback and responses we got from men in the video we did. A lot of men feel this way and are frusterated that sexual intimacy is used in a way that actually makes a lot of them want to distance themselves even more.
Now we are in no way implying or saying that it is the wife’s fault as the husband has every bit of an obligation and duty to provide his wife the needs she has in marriage. We always talk about how it takes two in marriage working together. But it is vital for a couple to talk about this.
However, consider this, instead of the wife using sex as a weapon and withholding it from her husband hoping to get him to provide what she want’s, and her husband withdrawing from her even more because of this, how much better would the relationship be if both spouses are meeting each others emotional and physical needs?
Couples should be striving for a wonderful relationship where there both emotional and physical intimacy happens naturally and often. As most of us know, when there is good emotional and physical intimacy in the relationship, there is nothing better in life.
So.. instead of playing games that can cause significant damage to the relationship, what can couples do to get both needs met? Here are some things to consider:
Give the physical to get the emotional
In this game, someone has to give in first. It is not about winning or loosing, but is for the good of the relationship and health of the marriage. We are probably going to have a lot of people disagree with this one, but if you want to re connect as a couple, why not at least try it?
Some couples have a hard time talking about things, and if you are one of those couples, try this:
If a man’s emotional needs are linked to his wife making love to him, wife’s.. try initiating a couple times with your husband and make love together (with no expectations) and see what happens in a week or two. Chances are if you stop withholding and start providing the physical intimacy in the relationship, and he feels that sex isn’t being used as a punishment but is sincere, then he is going to naturally give you the emotional intimacy.
We recognize this will not work for every relationship as some husbands just have a hard time proving the emotional intimacy, but for most marriages it naturally will.
Go to a neutral place and talk about it
There is no better way to resolve a conflict that taking about it. Most couples however don’t like to have tough or uncomfortable conversations, so they tend to avoid them hoping things will get better. There problem is, they usually dont’, and many times will make things worse.
Go to a neutral place (where you absolutely won’t be having sex) to talk about your emotional and sexual intimacy in your relationship. As questions to find out how each one of you are feeling and figure out what you need to do in your relationship to resolve the issues and have both of your intimacy needs met.
Couples who can openly talk about things usually have great marriages as the get problems resolved quickly and are able to move past them.
We love doing posts, polls and getting a ton of feedback and responses from a lot of people, as that feedback can help provide a lot of great information for couples to improve in their relationships. However, it is even more important to listen to the feedback of what people are saying so we can have an open mind and implement things to improve our marriages.
If you want a happy and healthy marriage, you need to get rid of the toxic games being played in your marriage and work to fulfill each others emotional and physical needs.
Ultimate Intimacy
Check out the amazing sexual intimacy marriage course to break down the barriers that are keeping you from having the intimacy you desire.
