This article was inspired by Oliver and Denise Marcelle’s blog article found HERE called “Communication Styles – What’s Yours?”
You can also check out the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast episode 97 “What Is Your Communication Style And Why It Matters”
We often talk about how communication is probably the most important aspect in marriage and how couples can resolve almost any issue with open and honest communication. But so many couples have a hard time communicating. Not necessarily because they don’t want to communicate, but because each spouse might have a different “communication style” which is “how” they communicate (or dont communicate).
It is vital to know each others communication style so you can better learn how to effectively communicate with each other.
So what are the different communication styles and why is it so important for couples to understand each others communication styles..
It is important to note, that sometimes people’s communication style can change over time or based upon certain experiences they have. This can also happen once couples learn how to communicate better and learn better methods and how to communicate more effectively.
The Procrastinator
A procrastinator communication style is someone who want’s to talk about things, but needs time to think about it and gather their thoughts. Sometimes procrastinators keep putting things off because they might be uncomfortable talking about something, or waiting for the right time. The problem with this is the right time may never come.
The Shotgun
This type of person want’s to get everything out now and talk about the issue right away and try to resolve it so they can keep things moving forward. This type of person also may not like contention and has empathy for how the other person feels.
I am not saying the communication styles don’t have empathy, but wanting to get something resolved immediately shows they don’t want anything hanging over the relationship.
The Hoarder
This is the person that doesn’t like to (or doesn’t feel comfortable) communicating. They just keep their thoughts to themselves and doesn’t open up with their spouse. In their article they use the example of the reality show “Hoarders” which I thought was a great analogy. They state:
If you’ve ever watched the reality show “Hoarders”, you can imagine how dangerous it can be to hold on to every thought without ever expressing anything to your spouse. Things eventually become unbearable, explosive and just downright unhealthy
This is a great analogy. A hoarder holds on to EVERYTHING and never let’s anything out. Over time it becomes too much until it becomes unbearable. A person who holds everything in takes on too much and over time will become bitter and resentful.
If the hoarder never talks about things with their spouse, their spouse truly may never really know how they are feeling towards things or even know there is a problem.
For many years, my wife and I experiences “some” of this communication style. We did not hold everything in, but when it came to uncomfortable topics that we knew would cause contention or be uncomfortable to discuss, we often just avoided talking about them.
Needless to say, we have recognized how un healthy that is and now we talk about EVERYTHING together and it makes things so much better in our marriage to understand where we are at and how each other feels all the time.
The Non – Confrontational
This person often has an opinion or thoughts on something but rather than cause an argument or disagreement, they will just agree with their spouse. Now sometimes this is ok to do if it is over something small and just to avoid an argument and move on, but if the big things are treated this way, it can cause alot of conflict and problems down the road. People that hold things in often build resentment and will distant themselves over time.
Example: We were playing pickle ball in a league and we had a few shots that went right down the middle and both of us looked at each other and said “that was yours.” There was some frustration but rather than argue about is as we were not going to convince each other differently, I just said “that was my fault, those were mine” and we moved on.
There are certain things that in the big picture don’t matter and aren’t worth arguing over. Now some would say that we don’t have good communication because we didn’t talk about it or “practice what we preach” but the truth is, sometimes arguing about such little things can end up causing more damage than just apologizing and moving on.
What To Do If Your Communication Styles Differ
It is probably most likely that you and your spouse will have different communication styles. That is why it is so important to figure out the best way to communicate and understand each others styles.
I feel like a have a little bit of everything in me depending on how I am feeling, what we are arguing over etc. However I think I fall more under the “shotgun” style as I do not like conflict hanging over our relationship and want to get it resolved quickly.
My wife however likes to think about things and “sleep” on it. Sometimes we may have a disagreement or argument before bed and I immediately want to discuss and resolve it before we fall asleep. She often just goes to bed and wakes up the next day and we either discuss it, or she says she is over it and moves on.
When this happens, I can never fall asleep and lay awake all night wishing we would have resolved it, worry about how I have hurt her feelings (or upset her) and I can’t function properly until I know things are good. She however falls asleep in 2 seconds and handles it a different way.
As we have said.. there is no right or wrong way, understanding her style helps me not take things personally and vice versa. Talk about your different communication styles, why you feel the way you do and communicate in the style (or way) that you do so you can learn more about, and understand each other. That way you can communicate better in your relationship.
- Sit down together and discuss your communication styles and help each other understand why you communicate the way you do.
- Discuss how you can best sync up your communication styles and a way to communicate the best with each other.
- Don’t stop communicating in your marriage. Constantly work on it and it will become easier with less effort.
- Understand that you (or your spouses) communication styles may change over time so be open and discuss where you are at.
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