In this article, we dive into the aspects surrounding the sexual control most women have in their marriages, the impact it can have on relationships, and practical steps couples can take to foster a healthier balance.
You may also enjoy the podcast we did titled 170. Do Women Have Complete Control And “Say So” When It Comes To Sexual intimacy?
In most relationships and marriages (whether done intentionally or unintentionally), women have complete control and say so when it comes to sex. They typically determine “if” a couple is going to have sex, “when” they are going to have sex, and everything related to sex in the relationship.
Many husbands are scared to initiate sex with their spouse for fear of rejection, having it cause an argument or conflict, and many other reasons. Because of this, and the fact that most women have a responsive desire style, many couples are not connecting sexually in their relationship (and often living in sexless marriages, or close to) because sex in the marriage is up to the wife.
In this podcast episode Nick and Amy discuss the reasons why this is, and how couples can work together to find a balance in their sexual intimacy and relationship where both spouses needs and desires are being met, and sex is something that both spouses have mutual respect and control over in the relationship.
Recognizing the Spectrum of Influence
In many relationships, as we’ve shared, women often find themselves in the driver’s seat when it comes to sexual matters. They determine “if” and “when” the couple is going to have sex and all of the terms associated with sex. While this is by no means a universal scenario, it is a common theme observed among couples. However, it’s essential to approach this topic with nuance and sensitivity as there are reasons behind this.
To further establish this we wanted to share a poll we did with our audience that asked “Do you feel like your wife controls when sex happens?”
The findings also underscored the distinct differences in desire styles between men and women:
- A majority of women tend to have a responsive desire style, meaning their desire for sex is ignited through foreplay and arousal.
- Conversely, most men experience a spontaneous desire style, where their arousal can be more immediate and triggered by stimuli.
So for many women, they won’t be in the mood for sex until after they get in the mood for sex.
The Role of Foreplay and the Changing Landscape
Given these varied desire styles, foreplay has traditionally been a cornerstone for nurturing women’s arousal and intimacy. Yet, as societal attitudes shift and discussions about the significance of sex become more mainstream, certain challenges come to the forefront.
The rise of messages encouraging couples to prioritize sexual fulfillment within marriage has been met with both applause and backlash.
This leads to a delicate and often passionate debate about control, consent, and the intersection of desire styles.
Deconstructing the Narrative: Unpacking the Myths
A contentious element in this conversation is the perceived power imbalance that some claim exists. There are segments of individuals (and feminist movements) who assert that women should exert complete control over when, how, and if they should engage in sexual intimacy with their husbands. They even state that sex should be used to control their husband to get what they want.
This view of sex is often due to the negative experiences the women have had in previous relationships. While their perspective carries “some” valid points, much of it is caused by the distain they have for men, which is extremely unhealthy advice for those couples in healthy relationships.
The sad truth is that most men are very aware of this movement and what is going on. They reach out to us in frustration stating how their wife controls every aspect of their sex life, or uses sex to get what they want, and the husbands are scared to death to talk about it, bring it up, or even pursue sex anymore. So… they basically live in a sexless marriage where the wife controls every aspect of sexual intimacy in the relationship.
For this reason, it is essential to clarify that healthy communication, consent, and a collaborative approach should underpin any intimate interaction between a couple. The aim is to steer away from falsehoods and find a middle ground that acknowledges individual desires and promotes shared satisfaction.
Navigating the Path to Mutual Intimacy
To address the nuanced issue of sexual control within relationships, consider the following steps:
- Open Conversations: Initiate conversations with your spouse about your desires, expectations, and the role of sexual intimacy in your relationship.
- Shared Expectations: Discuss your expectations, frequency preferences, and any concerns openly. This helps align both spouses’ understanding of their sexual journey.
- Prioritize Balance: Recognize that sexual intimacy is a significant part of a relationship but should not be the sole measure of connection. Balance emotional intimacy, shared experiences, and sexual satisfaction.
- Avoid Manipulation: Use sex as a means of connection, not manipulation. Approach it as an intimate act that brings you closer, rather than a tool for negotiation or punishment.
- Communicate Consent: Mutual consent is vital. Engage in open discussions about your comfort levels and boundaries.
- Explore Together: Discover what brings pleasure to both spouses. Incorporate mutual exploration and new experiences into your sexual journey.
Try some exciting new games, toys or other things to spice things up in the bedroom!
Conclusion
While it’s essential to acknowledge and respect individual desires and boundaries, it’s equally vital to promote open communication and shared satisfaction. By navigating this delicate balance, couples can foster an environment of trust, connection, and mutual intimacy. Remember that every relationship is unique, and the journey to sexual harmony requires empathy, understanding, and a commitment to growth.
Ultimate Intimacy
