Marriage is a complex relationship that requires patience, understanding, and compromise. It is a partnership where two individuals come together to support each other, share their lives and build a future together. Unfortunately, even the most loving and devoted couples may experience conflicts, disagreements, and challenges that require careful navigation.
Conflict and disagreements are a part of marriage and ALL marriages have them. It is how they resolve that that matters.
When couples face difficult issues that seem nearly impossible to resolve, it may be tempting to give an ultimatum, believing that it will force the other person to change their behavior or attitude. However, ultimatums can have serious consequences for the health and longevity of a marriage.
If you have listened to our podcasts or read other articles we have written, you know we do not like ultimatums in marriage, and advice to not give ultimatums. Here are some of the reasons why you should not give ultimatums in marriage:
Ultimatums can create resentment and distance
When you issue an ultimatum, you are essentially saying, “do this or else.” This type of communication can be aggressive, controlling, and dismissive of your spouses feelings and needs. Ultimatums can create a power dynamic that can be harmful to the relationship, eroding trust, and mutual respect. Your spouse may feel threatened or coerced, which can lead to resentment and emotional distance.
Ultimatums don’t address the root cause of the problem
When you give an ultimatum, you are not addressing the underlying issue that caused the conflict in the first place. Instead, you are imposing a solution that may not be effective or sustainable. Ultimatums may provide a temporary fix to a problem, but they rarely lead to long-term change. The underlying issue will likely resurface, causing more conflict and potentially irreparable damage to the relationship.
Ultimatums may result in compliance but not commitment
If your spouse complies with your ultimatum, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they are committed to the relationship or to changing their behavior. Compliance may be a way to avoid conflict or keep the peace, but it does not address the root cause of the problem. Your spouse may feel coerced or manipulated, which can lead to feelings of resentment or even revenge.
Ultimatums can damage the trust and intimacy in a relationship
Trust and intimacy are the building blocks of a healthy marriage. When you issue an ultimatum, you are essentially saying that you do not trust your spouse to make the right decision or to prioritize your needs. This can damage the trust and intimacy in the relationship, making it more difficult to build a strong, healthy relationship.
You might like podcast episode 140. The Way You Speak To Your Spouse (And Yourself) Can Have Severe Consequences.
We have a lot of people reach out to us and say “I have tried everything and my spouse won’t listen to me, what should I do?”
Here are the things you can try:
- Communicate clearly: When you do talk to your spouse, make sure to communicate your feelings clearly and calmly. Avoid blaming or accusing language and instead focus on expressing how their actions or lack of action are affecting you.
- Consider couples therapy: If you’re having trouble communicating with your spouse, couples therapy can be a helpful way to work through your issues together. A third party or someone independent can often provide great advice and solutions to the problem.
- Set boundaries: If your spouse’s behavior is negatively impacting your mental or physical health, it may be necessary to set boundaries to protect yourself. This is healthy and ok to do.
While we are against ultimatums, there comes a point when you have no other option. Ultimatums in marriage should be a “last resort” and only used when there are serious breaches of trust. Here are the few exceptions where we believe it is ok to issue an ultimatum to a spouse.
- Infidelity: If your spouse has been unfaithful and is not taking steps to repair the damage to your relationship, you may need to give them an ultimatum that they need to commit to rebuilding trust or risk losing the marriage.
- Substance abuse or addiction: If your spouse is struggling with a substance abuse problem or addiction and is not seeking help or treatment, you may need to give them an ultimatum that they need to get help or you will have to leave the relationship.
- Domestic abuse: If your spouse is physically or emotionally abusive towards you or your children, it’s important to prioritize your safety and give them an ultimatum that they need to seek professional help and if it happens again, you will leave the relationship.
Giving ultimatums should be avoided whenever possible, as they can be seen as controlling or manipulative and can damage the trust and communication in a relationship. Instead, try to work through issues together through open and honest communication, seeking support and counseling when necessary. If you can stay away from giving ultimatums, you will have a much happier relationship.
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