Is marriage really that challenging? What factors contribute to its difficulty? Recently, I had a conversation with my husband’s step-mother, a licensed marriage therapist, who pointed out that one significant factor affecting marriages negatively is expectations—both going into the marriage and maintaining them throughout.
What exactly are expectations? Google defines them as “a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.” Here are a few expectations people often have before entering marriage:
- Your spouse should meet all your needs.
- Your spouse should be your primary source of happiness.
- Your spouse should fulfill all your companionship needs, and vice versa.
- Your spouse should share your values and priorities.
- You should always be the center of your spouse’s attention.
- The excitement and passion should remain constant throughout the relationship.
It’s easy to see why marriage might feel like a letdown with such high expectations!
However, not all expectations are detrimental. We do enter marriage with certain expectations, and some of them can be reasonable—as long as we understand that it takes both spouses working together to fulfill them.
Here are 12 reasonable expectations that could strengthen your marriage:
- Commitment to the marriage.
- Verbal expressions of affection.
- Compassion and empathy for each other’s feelings.
- Mutual respect.
- Acknowledgment and acceptance of each other’s differences.
- Spending quality time together, while recognizing other commitments.
- Showing interest in each other’s lives, including opinions, work, and activities.
- Physical closeness and affection, regardless of the sexual aspect.
- Generosity towards each other in thought, spirit, and action.
- Recognition of other important relationships in each spouse’s life.
- Making time for fun and laughter together.
- Open and honest communication about thoughts, needs, and future aspirations.
Without addressing these essential issues, couples may drift apart over time. The most critical expectation is open and honest communication, as it lays the foundation for fulfilling all other expectations.
Addressing Unmet Expectations: To address unmet expectations, here are seven steps couples can take:
- Identify both spouses’ expectations.
- Seek to understand each other’s perspective without judgment.
- Be willing to compromise and prioritize your spouse’s needs.
- Differentiate between deal-breakers and areas open for compromise.
- Collaborate to find solutions that benefit both of you.
- Aim for win-win solutions or equitable compromises.
- Evaluate and adjust the solutions over time based on feedback.
Remember, marriage takes effort and understanding. It’s crucial to recognize that your spouse alone cannot guarantee your happiness. Unrealistic expectations often lead to disappointment and frustration. Instead, focus on building a strong foundation of friendship, maintaining a satisfying relationship, and resolving conflicts constructively.
Check out our podcast on this subject titled: 127. Are Expectations In Marriage Good Or Bad? And Our Valentines Poll Answers.
We all go into marriage with expectations of what we think it should be like, and are often disappointed when things don’t go as we expect. So, are expectations in marriage good or bad? Is it healthy to have expectations?
In this episode Nick and Amy talk about expectations in marriage and share experiences in their relationship.
In conclusion, the happiest couples tailor their expectations to their unique circumstances and invest effort into nurturing their relationship.
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