Check out podcast episode 81 “What is ok and not ok in the marriage bed”
Sex is good and God approves of it. You do not need to be ashamed or feel guilty for wanting sex. Sex should be enjoyed and part of enjoying sex is trying new things, or using things that can enhance the sexual experience. There are a few things my wife and I have evolved on when it comes to sex. Early in our marriage we were against a few things and now 100% support and promote them. There are also things that we are fully against.
When it comes to making decisions and determining what is ok and not ok, we always ask ourselves this one simple question:
Does it bring us closer together as a couple and does it strengthen our relationship?
If the answer is yes, then we feel ok about it. If the answer is no, then we stay away from it as if it were the plague. You really have to be honest as a couple when determining these things and asking yourselves that question. Sure, there are things that may give you a better orgasm or sexual experience temporarily, but that is not what it’s about. It’s about connecting and creating a deeper relationship and love for one another as a couple that will last forever!
So as we share the difficult subject today, ask yourself the question:
WILL IT BRING US TOGETHER AS A COUPLE AND STRENGTHEN OUR RELATIONSHIP?
Vibrators or Sex Toys
At the beginning of our marriage we were against this. I think we were naive. We both thought that bringing a toy into the bedroom would take away from our intimacy or that the toy would “replace” the other person but that of course did not happen. It took our intimacy to another level.
It is so hard for some woman to experience an orgasm just through normal intercourse. And we know that some women have never even experienced and orgasm. This is very sad as sex should be an amazing experience for both the husband and wife, but if a wife cannot experience an orgasm, how can she enjoy it? We did an amazing podcast episode 30. It’s All About The Clitoris! The Key To Unlocking Female Pleasure with Cindy Scharkey where we talked about the clitoris and how it’s sole purpose is for pleasure!
Many women are not aware of that and don’t get to experience the joy of that pleasure until discovering the clitoris. A vibrating ring, or vibrator can help unlock that amazing pleasure spot and help women experience amazing orgasms. Here are some great vibrating rings that allow the husband to penetrate his wife while his wife is being stimulated on her clitoris:
We haven’t used anything other than a vibrating ring or vibrator and the sole purpose of those are to stimulate the clitoris and make lovemaking so much more enjoyable. It also makes it easy for my wife to get in the mood quickly when there may be things that are keeping her from “getting in the mood” such as stress, or her mind focussing other things. It gives us a “little help” when needed. It is something we don’t use all the time but use it as needed to enhance our intimacy.
A vibrator and vibrating ring takes a lot of pressure off of me and my wife knowing that if we are tired, or don’t have a lot of time for foreplay etc, it can get her in the mood and take care of her quickly making sexual intimacy much more enjoyable. It can pretty much guarantee she will have an orgasm (an amazing one) which is pretty awesome.
Check out some amazing options with our affiliate MarriedDance
WORDS OF CAUTION: WE believe that sexual aids should not be used without your spouse, or for masturbation purposes. This does not bring you closer together as a couple, but has you doing things in secrecy and for selfish purposes. That is just what we believe. You decide as a couple what works for your marriage.
Games, Sex Positions and New Things in the Bedroom
We absolutely promote trying new positions and bringing games and fun into the bedroom. (appropriate games) However, we believe that both spouses absolutely need to agree and feel comfortable with what they are doing sexually and NOTHING is acceptable unless both spouses agree and feel comfortable with what they are trying.
This requires couples to have good, very open and honest communication about what they feel comfortable with or not comfortable with. There are some amazing customizable bedroom games, non-graphic sex positions and other exciting things to spice up your relationship in the Ultimate Intimacy App!
Pornography
We believe pornography under NO circumstances should be allowed in the marriage bedroom. As we have talked about in previous episodes and articles, it is bringing a “3rd party” into the bedroom. Marriage is between one man and one woman. When porn is involved, porn is a third party that is brought into your bedroom and relationship and can and will divide your marriage. The impacts of porn can easily be just as destructive as having a physical affair.
Adultery brings a virtual third party into the sexual relationship of a married couple. Pornography creates the exact same feelings and emotional and physical effects as physical adultery. It’s wrong and should not be accepted. Here are just a few things porn can do to your relationship and hurt the intimacy in your marriage:
- Pornograhy creates very unrealistic expectations! it is all a fantasy and is NOT real. Therefore when you bring porn into your relationship, your are bringing unrealistic expectations that can never be met by your spouse because they are NOT real!
- Because porn is a fantasy and not realistic in a marriage, Porn fosters and brings dissatisfaction into the relationship, and can only bring long term disappointment and the needs can never be met.
- Porn really misses the whole point of sex as it ONLY focuses on the physical act of sex and fulfilling the physical lusts. The emotional, spiritual and intellectual parts of sex are completely dismissed and absent from porn sex.
THERE ARE NO CIRCUMSTANCES IN WHICH PORN SHOULD BE ACCEPTABLE IN A MARRIAGE, PERIOD!!!! THIS IS AN ABSOLUTE “NOT OK” IN MARRIAGE.
PORN WILL NEVER BRING YOU HAPPINESS AND WILL DESTROY YOUR RELATIONSHIP OVER TIME.
If you are struggling with pornography, we have some great articles on the Ultimate Intimacy App (ultimateintimacy.com) under the resource section. You can also check out Covenant Eyes.
Oral Sex
There are tons of different views and opinions about oral sex. Again, we ask ourselves the question.
Does it bring us closer together as a couple and strengthen our relationship?
If we were doing oral sex 100% of the time, it would probably hurt our relationship as it would feel we are just doing it for pleasure, but oral sex can be an amazing experience and great foreplay. It can also easily stimulate the clitoris when penetration or other things cannot so it is a great way to turn your wife on.
Most men ABSOLUTELY love giving their wife oral sex.
It is one of my favorite things to do for my wife and she doesn’t understand why I like giving it to her so much. I can’t explain why I love doing it for her. Maybe it’s because it is ALL about her and I am focusing all my attention on pleasing her and forgetting about myself. It is a very unselfish act. I don’t think there is ANYTHING wrong with that and maybe that is why many wife’s don’t like receiving it is they feel guilty or it is focusing on them.
I also enjoy giving it much more than receiving it and maybe that is because when receiving it, it is all about me and she is being very unselfish. Oral sex requires both spouses to openly discuss and feel comfortable. If they can do that, it can become an amazing experience. DOES THIS BRING YOU CLOSER TOGETHER AS A COUPLE AND STRENGTHEN YOUR RELATIONSHIP? If it does not, then just don’t do it. If either of you as a couple are not comfortable with it, then don’t do it. You do not need to include oral in your sexual intimacy in order to have an amazing sex life.
Masturbation
We are aware of marriages where “solo” masturbation is ok in their marriage. In our marriage, we try to take care of each others needs so there is no need or desire to just take care of ourselves.
For us, this is an act that does not enhance a marriage as things are usually done in secrecy. I understand couples that are not getting intimacy in their marriage may resort to this as a release or to fulfill their sexual needs, and we are not judging or condemning. For couples that have good relationships and frequent intimacy, this is something we do not believe is needed in marriage. All marriages are different and all marriages should decide if this brings them closer together.
Romance Novels
This is a subject we have received a lot of questions on and is a problem for a lot of woman. This is a way for them to fulfill their fantasies or needs that their husband may not be providing such as the romance, love, and excitement. It takes them out of their marriage into another experience to fulfill the needs that are vacant in their relationship. We look at this just like watching a movie. Is it bad to watch a move that has some kissing or things that get you in the mood to make love to your spouse? No, we watch movies all the time that are very appropriate, but the love story makes us feel a connection and want to be intimate together. That is one of our favorite things to do.
However, just like a movie that can be pornographic in nature and put thoughts or fantasies into your head that are not about your spouse, so can a romance novel. Again, the question is: Is this bringing you closer together as a couple? If it is causing you to fantasize about someone else, or other things and arousing you on your own, and not together as a couple, then it’s not ok as you are not strengthening your relationship together as a couple. Be careful about what you read and put into your mind.
Role Playing
Roll playing is about BEING SOMEONE ELSE AND ACTING OUT YOUR DESIRES WITH YOUR SPOUSE. I think it depends on how far you take this. If you are having to dress up and act things out (or imagine your spouse as someone else) to turn you on, that probably isn’t a good or healthy thing. We haven’t had any experience in our marriage with role playing but know a lot of couples do enjoy this. If role playing is something that focuses on each other (instead of fantasizing about someone else in order to be aroused) and brings you closer together, have some fun 🙂
Talking Dirty To Your Spouse
When we think of “talking dirty” we think of something demeaning, derogatory, gross, or even sinful, but talking in an arousing way to your spouse can be a great form of foreplay! We like to call it “talking sensual or sexy” instead.
In a great blog article titled “Is Dirty Talk During Sex Awkward For You?” Ketsia Gustave with Evolving Wife talks about the benefits of “auditory arousal” from Laura Brotherson’s book Knowing Her Intimately. The following is from her article:
- Increased power over mental distractions
- Decreased self-consciousness during lovemaking
- Increased arousal and orgasmic responsiveness
- Increased sexual confidence
- Increased surrender to the sexual experience
- Greater sexual satisfaction
- Increased incidence of orgasm
- A sense of variety and adventure
- Closer connection between partners
In her book, Laura explains that there are levels to auditory arousal, and each level prepares you for the next.
Level 1 is Sensual Sounds. Moaning like “Mmmm,” or “Ahhhh” These sounds are erotic and are a great way to give your husband feedback that what he’s doing is working!
Level 2 is called Sensual Communication. This is the part where you use words to express how you’re feeling in the moment. “I love it when you…” statements are examples of sensual communication.
Level 3 is Sharing Sensual Scenarios. This is one type of auditory arousal that I have never heard of, but I’m glad she mentions it in her book! This is where you use words to escape into a sexy fantasy with your husband. You can act out making love on a beach, the back of a car, whatever adventure you can think of.
Level 4 is Naughty Talk. This is basically a more intense version of Level 2. There are a couple of differences though. At this stage, you’re moving from the soft, lovey-dovey expressions at Level 2, to more rough, explicit language. This is the part where you use those “cuss” words. But here, in your bedroom with your husband, they’re just words. Words that you’re using to verbally worship each other during lovemaking. So think of it as a more intense expression of your desire for each other.
Check out the full article HERE
We believe talking to each other in an arousing way is a great thing for your marriage as long as it is respectful and uplifting and something you both feel comfortable with. Give it a try and see how it works for you!
Summary
There are many things that can impact your marriage and sexual intimacy in a positive or negative way. We hope this article has opened your mind about how “you” can determine what is ok, or not ok in YOUR marriage and what will strengthen your relationship.
What is ok in the bedroom is UP TO YOU and your spouse. Pray about it. Communicate about it. Make sure to respect your spouses feelings always.
Having good communication with your spouse and talking about these things openly will help create “Ultimate Intimacy” in your relationship.
Listen to Ultimate Intimacy podcast episode 81 “What is ok and not ok in the marriage bed” HERE
For some great clean wholesome ways to spice up your marriage that are ok, check out the Ultimate Intimacy App! There is a reason it has over 400,000 downloads and a 4.8/5 star rating on the App Store. And best of all, you can download for free! Just click on the picture below to download today or go to ultimateintimacy.com for more info
