29 Apr

Sexual intimacy is often considered a cornerstone of a healthy and fulfilling marriage, yet it’s not uncommon for couples to encounter challenges in this area. One such challenge revolves around the dynamics between the high desire and low desire spouses, where the latter seemingly controls the frequency and quality of sexual intimacy within the relationship.

If you follow us, you hear is talk about this often. Here is a great podcast episode on this subject as well titled: Do Women Have Complete Control And “Say So” When It Comes To Sex?

Now we recognize that it is not always the women that are the lower desire spouse as we get quite a few women that say they are the higher desire spouse, but this great podcast is applicable for anyone.

Now, let’s get back into this complex phenomenon to understand its implications and explore strategies for fostering a more balanced and satisfying sexual connection.

Understanding the Dynamics

In many marriages, one spouse may exhibit a lower level of sexual desire compared to the other, leading to a dynamic where the low desire spouse wields considerable influence over the couple’s sexual encounters. This influence can manifest in various ways, including:

  1. Initiation Control: The low desire spouse may have the power to dictate when sexual activity occurs, often leading to a pattern of infrequent or irregular intimacy.
  2. Rejection Dynamics: The high desire spouse may find themselves frequently rejected or denied sexual advances, leading to feelings of frustration, inadequacy, and resentment.
  3. Conditional Engagement: The low desire spouse may engage in sexual activity primarily as a means of appeasing their spouse or maintaining peace within the relationship, rather than out of genuine desire or enjoyment.
  4. Emotional Manipulation: In some cases, the low desire spouse may use sex as a bargaining chip or leverage in other aspects of the relationship, leading to an imbalance of power and control.

Check out this great article: Are toxic emotional and sexual intimacy games being played in your marriage? 

Factors Contributing to Low Desire

Understanding the factors contributing to low sexual desire in one spouse is essential for addressing this issue effectively. Several factors may influence a person’s level of sexual desire, including:

  1. Stress and Fatigue: High levels of stress, exhaustion, and other life pressures can diminish libido and make it challenging to prioritize sexual intimacy.
  2. Physical and Mental Health Issues: Medical conditions, hormonal imbalances, and mental health disorders can all impact sexual desire and function.
  3. Relationship Dynamics: Past experiences, unresolved conflicts, and communication barriers within the relationship can affect one’s willingness and ability to engage in sexual activity.
  4. Personal Preferences and Priorities: Individual differences in sexual preferences, interests, and priorities may contribute to disparities in desire between a couple.
  5. Distractions: This could include electronics, social media or the endless things that can be a distraction. For many women, distractions are a huge reason for having low desire.

Strategies for Fostering Balance

Addressing the imbalance of sexual desire within a marriage requires open communication, empathy, and a willingness to work together as a couple. Here are some strategies for fostering a more balanced and satisfying sexual connection:

  1. Open Dialogue: Initiate honest and non-judgmental conversations about sexual desires, preferences, and concerns. Listen actively to your spouse’s perspective and seek to understand their feelings and needs.
  2. Compromise and Negotiation: Find common ground and mutually agreeable solutions for navigating differences in sexual desire. This may involve exploring alternative forms of intimacy, setting realistic expectations, and prioritizing quality over quantity.
  3. Seek Professional Help: Consider seeking guidance from a qualified therapist or sex therapist who can provide specialized support and guidance in addressing sexual issues within the relationship.
  4. Focus on Connection: Prioritize emotional intimacy, affection, and non-sexual forms of intimacy to strengthen the bond between spouses and create a foundation of trust and understanding.
  5. Self-Care and Wellness: Take proactive steps to prioritize self-care, manage stress, and prioritize physical and mental well-being, as these factors can significantly impact sexual desire and satisfaction.

It really is possible to have a great sex life even if one spouse is a lower desire spouse. If you communicate openly and talk about each others needs, desires and try to find a balance that works for you both, you can get to a great place in your relationship and sexual intimacy.

We have seen this personally in our life. Find a compromise and balance that works for you both. Of course there will need to be some “give” and “take” on both sides, but your marriage and happiness is worth it!

Ultimate Intimacy

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